William is alright

"I don't know."

"Right."

"No clue."

"You think?"

"Yea. I know."

"Ok."

"I love the ending of this movie called 'Fatale' At the end of this movie Jeremy Iron's character walks slowly through the cobbled streets of some city that will not be identified, he is carrying a small sack of groceries. When he enters his place he unfolds a piece of wax paper to reveal cheese, he then slowly slices it and opens the shutters to let the sunshine onto this huge photo of his ex lover and his son she was to marry. Now this movie, no matter how quietly it ends has the most damaging emotional contents I have ever seen on film and yet this small scene with some sheep cheese and beautiful sunlight still represents that life goes on even after something like that."

"Ok that's common."

"You are searching for my point."

"Not searching, waiting."

"I don't know it."

"Ok."

"But don't you see that this life we live wants us to think it is burying us, it digs us to believe that we are fucking done for, especially when we fuck up with narrative proportions like he did. I mean a grand fuck up that could emotionally chernobyl everyone who knows us. But if we have the will to go on, if we have shaken loose the hate of ourself we can let the sunshine in."

"Ok what are you saying Andy Williams?"

"That he sought to destroy himself and life is always willing to oblige."

"Is this a hope speech?"

"No. Well I don't know."

"Does this have anything to do with the recession?"

"I'm not sure."

"Was that movie any good?"

"Yea."

"Ok."

"You know my biggest point is that the life or the world we live in isn't really real. It can't be. It's a bunch of bullshit, you know? This character in the movie was fully in charge of his fate. He knew it was wrong, but could not get out of the way of such carnal truths that life was somehow privy too; it lied in wait for him...as he search for a way to his own annihilation, life was more than excited to help him achieve this shit. But make no mistake, he just like us is fully in charge of his life's direction."

"Life is looking to destroy him?"

"Yea in a way."

"So you're saying life is the fuckin' enemy? I always thought it was my postman because of the way he destroys my British GQ trying to get it to fit into my mail slot. But again remind me how does the sunshine fit?"

"Never live anywhere with just a mail slot, and the sunshine and that solitary moment is the fuckin' lull it can also represent a unconscious enabling mate, it is trying to get us back persistently like a solicitor for the New York Times, only to beautifly fuck us up again, 'please' it asks hoping we again place our head in the vice."

"But I thought you said it represents that life goes on?"

"It does, but the correct interpretation is that; we must remember that this is all a game, and we should try and stay here in the sunshine regardless of what life is trying to set our asses up with, through its carnality, relationships or hostess cupcakes."

"Life is an enemy."

"That must mean we are really alright."

"I might be able to dig that."

"Is that really so hard to accept?"

Normandy

you are Normandy

heavily fortified

But there is this way on. It gives me these ideas. It gives me this hope.

eventually though I see the treachery. The paralyzing steps.

I know my life is lost if I go on.

it is best to observe from the sea.

maybe you will give in when there isn't anyone to attack

maybe.

This woman in the elevator reminded me of her. But she smoked cigars and once broke a bottle and challenged everyone inside of a bowling alley. I hated bowling. I have long bony fingers and they would begin to hurt after the first game, but she would continue until she saw I wasn't capable of putting them into my pocket without them being crippled into a fist. I loved her. I loved the way she smelled it was like cinnamon bread, smoke and turmeric. But most of all I loved her attitude. I could build a home around the fact that she had a side that she like to chose on just about every subject. On top of it all she held fucking firm even when logic was completely evaporated. A commercial, bus advertisement or the New York Times could never change the way she felt about whatever she felt about.

She was wrong on a few of them. But fuck; it was something about the fact that she was adamant. Just being adamant seem to distract me from any questions about her sanity. I missed her. I didn't know what I believe until I had her to oppose it.

Slowie likes corn dogs

"He was feeding his cat a corn dog."

"I'm sorry?"

"He had run out of cat food so he was feeding his cat a very large corn dog at 2 in the morning."

"How did you meet this gentleman?"

"I'm not sure I've notice this about myself but I lead sexually with just about everyone I meet."

"Is that a statement?"

"Some people lead with a handshake. I start conversations with at least one mention of my vulva."

"It is one reason my mother- after your first exchange believes you need Jesus and Gandhi in your life."

"Fuck that. I don't believe in the Mormons."

"Of course, but are you some sort of sex addict? Even though it took us at least three dates to consummate our sloppy series of one night stands I still have to ask this."

"You were a mistake remember? That is another thing about me; I am having sex with a person all while I am trying to end things. It is like I get lazy, and like to have sex as I am taking a break from the break up. Do you understand my logic?"

"Not at all."

"To be honest. I think I use sex to control people."

"Wow. I don't think I've ever heard that before."

"Right. Listen. I manipulate them, using for example oral sex to distance myself and establish control..."

"Please don't ruin things for me. I have told my friends how special you've made me feel with your ringed finger grip and your controlled breathing."

"To be really honest early on men ran from me so I found something they couldn't run from. I just positioned myself better in the transient relationship."

"OK. You made it so that you wouldn't be burned in case of a fire?"

"Yeah."

"So you became a guy? Can I get another look at that vulva this evening. I'm just saying, you know."

"If you can't beat them off joined them."

"You're to sexy for all of this warmongering. What I can't understand is why you truly send so many men packing. I mean I have my ideas."

"Do you?"

"Of course. I've took a few classes on you. I've played you in my mind with the metronome. You draw a gentleman in with your vivaciousness then you quickly pummel him with your pasts gaping woundage. You are trying to punish yourself in the most intimate experience you can find known to man all because of a misplace idea you have about yourself.."

"Is 'woundage' a word?"

"No."

"You think this is all me Doctor?"

"All you. All fucking you and your corn dogs."

"You can now tell your friends I'm sad and lonely."

"Nah. You're just lonely and need Jesus in your life."

"I need a corn dog."

i'm only as good as you need me to be.

Lanvin wants to lose.

"I am afraid."

"You?"

"Me."

"Why? If you're afraid then I'm almost dead, because just sitting in front of you keeps my heart beating."

"You're so dramatic."

"Yes I am."

"What is it beating for?"

"Hows that?"

"What the fuck is it beating for?"

"That sounds wonderfully aggressive and I haven't even been served my eggs. Can you allow my car keys to at least have an opportunity to sink to the bottom of my jacket pocket before you start turning me own with your language."

"Listen nephew of Hamlet I believe I am really living right?"

"Ok."

"My heart isn't just beating. I am not here just to pay a fucking mortgage and search for my next orgasm. There is something more aggressive to life than this. There is more ok?

"I guess there is more to life than sex, but it's like you are telling me there is no fucking Tooth Fairy of something."

"There isn't. The real game of life is set to 'hard'. Do you realize that?"

"I always switch it back to 'easy' when I wake up in the morning."

"I have anxiety."

"You said you are afraid."

"I really want to live in a game where I can lose. A game where I can lose myself.. my ego.I really want to do what I am suppose to do and not bullshit my time away. That's why I like the difficulty mode. I want to lose in this false life."

"All while looking sexy."

"All while looking sexy, right; in Lanvin, right? I want to stay in the game set to difficult. I am afraid in any other mode. In 'easy' is where you have to watch your back, that is where you do not exercise any skill, where you do not get anywhere; it is where you really lose."

"I'm a loser. Even though I win?"

I have to eat the whole thing.

i have to eat the whole thing

sitting here doesn't help

meandering chews my nails

and in the

mean

time

we wait,

we stay away and consume our words.

You are unsettled

there is a sand in your bag

and sleep comes and goes

your stare is far across the sea to a place you can't put your finger on

you are not aware that you have shipwrecked yourself far from home

you are unsettled

that's why you are unsettled

"You're a rock in my stream."

one day I'm going to wake up

and really miss you

our conversations, our time

and you will be gone

and it will be over

and we will have wrecked it.

"Comfort is the goal, not necessarily the means."

Arten--The Disapperance Of The Universe.

William is frightening because of intensity.

"I'm going to start just sleeping with strange women."
"Ok."
"Do you understand what I mean?"
"No."
"You said ok."


"I know I did. I thought my 'ok' would maybe slow down the momentum of this conversation."
"No not quite. Over the last few years I have been having intense relationships.Right?"
"Ok."

"These relationships have been incredibly intense.
"I believe you."
"I haven't really talked about it much for the simple fact that they were a catalysis to some painful growth for me.Right? So I gave you stories of the past that could easily entertain you just to keep my gentleman's license."

"I believe you."


"I have learned a lot about myself. I have become aware. I can say that right?"
"Become aware? Dig."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Ok. I have grown my friend. I have healed a lot of things from my past and realized what I am supposed to do as a man, as a loving human being. You understand? Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Are you punching me with these words?"

"I'm not sure."

"Ok."


"What I realize and you might enjoy this; I realize that sex with a strange woman that you meet somewhere, someplace,and then you go on your way is a nice break. A mini vacation, you know what I mean? It is like this is the weekend to a very stressful week you know what I'm saying? There you are chatting someone up at a bar or what have you. "

"Yes 'what have you."
"And you're talking about nothing important, maybe 'what brings you to this bar?' or 'your lips are like wine let me get drunk off of them."

"You would say that?"
"I don't know yet. But you see my point? You just want a break from the intensity. So then you try and cover that up because you just want to have sex like some porn star sometimes with someone who doesn't know you, instead of the intensity of having someone wonderful tell you how wonderful you are;and then you feel wonderful because you are, and then they tell you 'how so glad they are that you came into their life'. And then on top of it all you lay next to them and you realize you feel completely safe, and its not fucking religion that's doing it, or marriage or any of that bullshit. It is because of that growth that this woman or some other intense relationship has cultivated out of you. It is this big thing. This intense thing, right? But it is overwhelming sometimes It's like staring at the Sun and then you realize that you are the Sun. My point is you just want to break from that intensity, right? You just want someone for some weekend who don't give a shit about you. Right?


"In that incredibly elaborate case why would you want to do that then? You're frightening. You're unusual."


"That's my point."

do nothing

watch your life begin








give up

















give up














completly break yourself open






then do nothing

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."






-Jack Kerouac

Slowie likes four more than me.

"Sleeping with you was one of many devastating mistakes I made in my life. I mean no offense."

"Oh, offense taken."

"Ok. I just mean it is like I-think anyway, that I just love drama so much, you know?"

"You have revealed many clues."

"You think?"

"Yes."

"Ok. I mean I can just look at my evenings over the last four years."

"I would have to say longer. Why do you arrive at four years?"

"I always like the number four."

"You have an affinity for four, so that's why you drop it into sentences?"

"Yes."

"I see."

"I discovered that most of my evenings with men wind up with me in a torn skirt..."

"Intoxicated.."

"Or angry, crying."

"Desperate."

"Ok. There is Sigmund who loves me to death. He's a beautiful man."

"Choked."

"Ok."

"Ok."

"What goes on with me? What goes on where I have to continue finding situations where I am left in emotional debris?"

"Trash gives you someplace to always reemerge from like the last 15 minutes of an action movie."

"You believe that?"

"I don't know."

"Do you?"

"I know one thing in the last 4 years you've enjoyed being next to bullshit, you've enjoyed reporting from fucked up situations. It was as if you deserve these situations or if you wanted people to see you there and then you have this dramatic march back to people who really care about you, such as Sigmund and myself. As a side note I think both of us weren't sadistic enough for you that is why we were heavily marginalized. As another side note that you can think about when you are having your.... fourth..."

"Thank you."

"...Martini in your bathtub. There is nothing wrong with your sexual cravings you will just have to find healthy ways to be punched during sex."

"Ok. That was well thought out."

"You would make a great actress; beautiful at hitting your mark."

"I'm faking?"


"Mmmhmm."

"I hate this place. I like Nordstroms better."

"Eat your food and get out."

"You think I'm a fraud."

"With every fiber of my being."

"Ok."

"Slowie my dear I think you want me like others to feel sorry for you. But you're running the show. You're running this whole sad play just to get attention. For you to finally break out of it you would have to understand that love is your only missing ingredient. Love and then the unknown would be the next stage to walk out on. "

"I don't know what to say."

"Eat your food and get out. But remember I love you."

i like to keep opening up


i want to open
i'm in love with this.

I don't know a damn thing


I am fuckin insane
till inspiration speaks






give me ambiguity





give me the unknown
let me live in it



even

in


the


middle

of my dramatists outburst

the lullaby of haze it casts...





give me ambiguity


and i will know sanity.





i will know.