i didn't want to do this to you..

hell, I'm a little reluctant to the company










figure we would talk for awhile at the entrance of the tent





the circus playing well inside




laughter,fried dough and distraction on flute.







I thought it would be different, thought it might go just a few more days than the usual


but I didn't expect you out here




in the cold






standing in the silence quibbling with yourself, questioning every goddamn thing you thought was reality
and poking at me.for answers.







I--
was
like
you

exhausted with the entertainment presented.




intuition pick pocketed





so I'm out here.






taking in the night, not believing any of it, and calling up myself for the answers.

"The place in which I'll fit will not exist until I make it."























-James Baldwin

i feel uneven




I feel wrecked

I feel vital and pristine when I am imparting to you





I feel tired

I feel lazy and neutral


I feel transcendence when I am listening to you







this is what I am feeling









right now.

fear tugs a little.

the notion of pleasure



is getting bigger

it is getting huge and electric









i don't look at it the same way anymore I am knowingly afraid of it


and knowingly needing what it brings
















it is just bliss looking to give me a wonderful sample.













but i don't know





i don't know

















i worry about the magnificent















because i'm slowly getting down to the source of it all





























a part of me singe

there is nothing else but love


and life is set up with a taylor made series of events --to show us this











every last fucking thing we experience in this life is only here to show us this one thing.


there is nothing else but love








and we are it.

it is nothing else but love.

Anthony carries a load.

"They get up early in Arizona because it's hot."



"You have conference calls?"

"I run a business."

"I thought it was a shoe shine service that peddles newspapers."

"Come on. It is much more involved than that. It is something of a conduit to the Free Press-- Benjamin Edes would be proud. It also gives you an opportunity to grab a snickers bar and a bottle of sugar called Pepsi."


"A service that this country honors you for."

"The fattening of the nation?"

"I will never complain."

"That reminds me that my mother doesn't have a lap." He reared back in his chair. " I can honestly tell you I have never noticed this before."

"We have to get your hand on a bible."

"You know I think it has been awhile since I have seen her out in public. You know what I mean? Out in the days light."

"Ok right. Out doors."

"She wanted me to meet her downtown, she shopped a little and then we jumped on a bus to head to another store. She sat in a bench seat across from me and I watched people try to squeeze next to her and then quickly get their asses up. I looked at their irritated faces as my mothers hips pop the change out of their pockets. You know?"

"People in this city will always try and hold position to spite, that says a lot about your mother's body mass index if this wasn't accomplished."

"It does, you know. But I also discovered why sauceboots doesn't curl up in her lap; she doesn't have one. You know what I mean? When she sits its like the letter C."

"She can sit at the top of the C and put her claw in her stomach.Why the attack?"

"I make light, but I am responsible for all of this. I need her to be comfortable in her bigness if it's going to make me comfortable."

"You?"

"If she doesn't puts the Twinkies down where does that leave me? You know it's not just her it's the whole family I don't want to help them in their debilitation so that I fuckin' look good."

"Well you don't."

"Huh."

"You look terrible."

"Well I'm not good at it."

"No your not."

"Nobody is really honest anymore except like you want to be."


"Your easy."

"I'm sad. What state am I in as a son to allow my mother to sit on the bus with no lap?"

"All of a sudden your carrying this?"

"Yea. I don't know, man....I see myself."

"What a sight."

Because you stand there asking those questions.....admission to that part of me requires a view in that bag






(it has been created this way)











That one you are holding onto so tight.


It is again--- my friends that have made me this way






with their blood on the floor and their gaping holes to be filled.

the detectives

with their tears

their intimacy


their power







and their love of self

all of us lead with our resilience.






with this we are being patched and healed


with this I have discovered the way
















but you see only what you are momentarily being depleted of

instead of what you are giving..





Everything is ok.

all of this is just because of the questions you ask.