Maier's goal as a designer is to strip away all unnecessary parts until a dress or a shirt or a bag or a watch has been reduced to its functional essence--until it achieves what he calls "a certain nothingness."

new yorker january 3 2011

Slowie is fucking greedy.

"Fuck you"

"Fuck you!"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I like to cut away the useless shit that comes with a person."

"You like gooey centers."

"I like the most incredibly functioning part of a relationship. I want the most challenging inspirational part only."

"Only?"

"Only. Everything else has to go. Up in smoke. Cut the fuck away so I can see."

"You sound like a race car driver."

"I'm in a little hurry."

"Do you have time to buy shoes?"

"I always have time to buy shoes."

"Ok."

"I cannot operate unless I focus more on the jewel of the relationship, the direct purpose of our connection, then we walk in that direction."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that part of the relationship will expand my ass. That part will catapult me to the real reason behind this mortal coil. It doesn't mean people around me will understand."

"They will see all of these wrappers around you, as you greedily consume the best part of their ass."

"Yes the best part. Regardless of what it looks like to others. Fuck 'em."

"Ok."

"Regardless I will have something authentic in every relationship and that will make my sleep better."

"You can use an Ambien."

"No."

"You're greedy."

"Yes."

"I meant where did your sandwich go? You ate the shit out of that."

"Fuck you."

Lanvin is a villain.

"I'm a villain."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Who?"

"I don't need an audience. I don't have an audience. I have gotten rid of all of my friends."

"I am still here because I am very curious and I still hold out hope that you will forget not to have sex with me."

"I love your consistency."

"That and my fuckin' scruples is all I have."

"Because my life is not a newspaper anymore, where I can tailor make it so that I am always a hero. But I have discovered some important things about myself. I have been able to take in more."

"This morning I posted online that today I executed the most perfect bowel movement than I have in the last five years. I was very satisfied with not only the length of one my actual yam, but also the comment field as well. It was robust and healthy. I do it for the comments."

"I think we can put a dark line through scruples now."

"Of course."

"Because my life experiences are not being distributed to other people anymore I am able to experience 100% of them. They are not watered down anymore by my need to be a hero, by my need to be accepted."

"What?"

"If I am traveling, dating and as you pointed out so beautifully--shitting, without and audience the experience becomes all mine, allowing me to get what I need to get from it without looking to see if it is making other people feel more comfortable with their life. Even though it won't."

"Ha. You're telling me that no one will know if you travel to Rome."

"I'm saying I don't have the desire to tell anyone. That's a little different don't you think?"

"I have no idea. I am a hero."

"You are but you lack life's nutrients."

"I can honestly say that no ones ever told me that my life is malnourished."

"A anti hero at that."

Peace over cost. your ability to sustain the peace in your mind should take precedent over everything.

Slowie is in love with fear.

"I'm in love with emotions."

"Is it on par with my anchovy fetish."

"Food as a fetish is a waste."

"Right, of course."

"I have spent the last 4 years picking men that provides me with a comfortable emotion that I can distract myself with."

"Can't say I completely understand."

"I start with a few preferences physically, but after that I just need them to evoke an emotion and then keep me suspended in it for the length of our coupling."

"Any emotion?"

"Come on, you know it has to be one that I have already agreed with."

"Oh right, of course, what came over me."

"It has to be an emotion that I am completely familiar with from a past relationship that primarily pissed me off but has become a trend of familiarity. One that generates the most fear without making me too uncomfortable, one that keeps me away from from any growth that will allow me to see a feeling I have never experienced before."

"You are looking for someone who can give you years of sustained fear?"

"Unwaivering."

"Right, of course. What is the benefit of this?"

"I'm just lazy."

"You don't fear fear?"

"No. I'm just afraid of love."

"Of course, right."

In Defenselessness my safety lies.

Tomorrow is safe.

The Quiet Way

There comes a time when you find that you are losing interest in the world around you. You find it harder and harder to find common ground with others. You have little interest in social gatherings, and when you are with friends and family you find it hard to be interested in what interests them. You find yourself listening more, and sharing less. This is a natural part of the process of detaching from the world.

A true spiritual path is a quiet sinking inward. As your mind grows quieter you lose interest in the clamoring world. You want your life in the world to be simple so that you don’t have to think too much about it. People fall away, or your relationships transform into simpler arrangements. You happily spend a lot more time alone, or with simpler creatures – children, animals, nature; those who know how to just “be”. When you do have to be with others you still take an interest in them, but not in what they find interesting. Some people will be drawn to your peace; others will be repelled by it.

At first some students experience this detaching from the world with alarm. It is contrary to the world’s thinking to lose interest in the world as you grow more spiritual – you’re supposed to want to “fix” it, or “correct” it, or “save” it, not leave it. And it is very threatening to the ego when you withdraw from its world. But it comes so naturally you will not be able to help yourself. You find yourself longing for more and more quiet, solitude, and simplicity.

Do not confuse this natural withdrawing from the world, though, with thinking that you “should” withdraw, or with hating the world. Natural detachment comes when your values shift toward God, and the world has less meaning for you. “Should” implies that you think that you have to sacrifice what still has meaning for you, and hating the world means that you still believe in it, though you don’t like it. Detachment comes because you are indifferent to the world because you recognize it is not your reality, and you cannot force this.

(from ACIM mentor blog)

Slowie is not in favor of the drop by.

"When it comes to men--my place is for piano lessons, dropping off, picking things up and sex. I don't want anyone to come by."

"OK."

"We can use email, instant messages, text and lunch outside to past time. Coming to my place says we know the direction of this relationship."

"How is that?"

"What?"

"Where?"

"Coming over is a commitment, that means I care about something that I need from you. You think I can sit around talking about the elections with someone when I haven't figured out what type of relationship it is? I need to know that. I need to be sure of that. It doesn't have to be healthy. There is no right or wrong to it. I just need to know what it is."

"You believe the intentions should be made known before they are wiping their feet on your foyer rug?"

"It is a 1940's Iranian one."

"Of course."

"I don't have a lot of time. There is no chat with coffee. There is no drop by."

"Come on. It's part of the game. It's like opening presents on Christmas, except this could have treachery and sexual abuse inside."

"Not if it hasn't been established in another form of communication first. It would be too awkward."

"In every case?"

"I say this only in the case of ambiguity. If the relationship hasn't been obviously established, through business or prior connection etc."

"So again what are you saying?"

"This is the only form of communication you and I will have. Sitting here in this decrepit diner, this is it."

"I just want to come over for coffee."

Manhattan

Facts. I got a million facts at my fingertips.     

    They mean nothing cos nothing worth knowing is understood with the mind.    

  Everything valuable enters through a different opening,                   

       if you'll forgive the disgusting imagery.                       

   I don't agree at all. Where would we be without rational thought?     

           You... you... you rely too much on your brain.  

           The brain is the most overrated organ.

diane keaton woody allen

Just let the moment pass.

with trust and patience

I'm going to let the moment pass.

the idea to speak--though, runs around inside of me

pressing hard, rude and scolding

I've muted myself.

tighten myself into a chest

I've digested and let the moment pass.

I have held in place malcontents.

tired, I just want to see.

I just want to hold everyone back as a fight is picked in our direction.

quiet everyone down

so I can hear.

just let the moment pass.

Lanvin has an answer for you.

"I don't think we know how to have a relationship. Maybe we truly are not suppose to."

"Huh?"

"We don't have a clue. I was one way to this person and another way to someone else. I have myself in so many pieces around the city, how can someone really know who I am? I couldn't take a moment to see what I believed in. I just needed five minutes of consistency."

"I have you as hot as fuck. Just wondering how that equates."

"Listen."

"I am."

"We don't know how to relate to anything around us. We don't know what any of it is there for. We are just reacting. On the defense once something presents itself without taking a moment to take it in and really see how to interact, and see what we are suppose to get out of it. Before someone invites me to their house. I have to see who is going to be there. I have to see if it will hurt me politically if I don't go. I'm on the defensive. If I decided to go I have to be on. I have to perform, with anecdotes and wit. I have to recall stories that really don't mean much to me. I am being evoked. I am being provoked."

"I consider that socializing. Or just get drunk in a corner."

"So just be there? For what?"

"What?"

"Why?"

"Its cordial. Makes people feel comfortable. I like looking at you."

"Should I make you feel comfortable?"

"Yeah. I'm scared otherwise.Like you going to make me start thinking and shit. Contemplating and emptying my mind of this Jambalaya of fakery I work so hard to gather."

"Yeah, you are."

"Come on these little things don't hurt you."

"They do."

"Ok."

"I do one thing and worry about five things associated with it. It is a chain reaction that leads to the next distraction. I don't have time to make a shape of myself before the dust is in the air again."

"Theses are little things in a long day."

"No."

"You make going over someones house seem like the Bilderberg."

"The event is little. But what it does to my mind is huge. It crowds my mind. I am giving it too much time. I decided to go after the cause of my problems."

"What does that mean?"

"I will be saying 'No' a lot more to protect myself. I'm looking for a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth."

"I 'm looking for a steak burrito, but why do I feel like I am in the gym right now."

"Well this is resistance."

"I assume this is just another very elaborate way to say that you are not going to my sister's party later."

"What gave that away?"

"What fuckin' upsets me is I can't even find how to be angry now. I mean I'm looking.You have to be more proficient at giving me something to attack."

Slowie doesn't want your flowers.

"I left him because he didn't make me addicted."

"What?"

"I had to go back to someone I can emotionally lose myself and fight in department stores with."

"Barneys?"

"It's not a relationship though, right? Not love or anything. In the first month I had addiction met for a bit, but in the second month I realized he didn't meet this level. I need my beach over run by drama."

"Right."

"But again it's not love or how he folds the laundry. It's addiction. I need to be in an unstable and unhealthy relationship. That's the draw. I don't care how lovely the flowers are.

"That sounds so sweet."

"I might leave someone to see if someone else can raise the intensity of this disrespect, but safe to say--I would return if that isn't met."

"Ok."

"I do it because I can't stop searching for that feeling. I tear through the wrapping paper and throw away what's inside.

"Very endearing."

"I'm so close."

"You might want to cut to the chase and just go out to dinner with pain."

"Then I could call the search off."

"For at least a month."

Anthony doesn't want to pay his cell phone bill.

"Telling people your unstable thoughts is overrated."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"You didn't hear me?"

"I said 'what'."

"When I would argue with my Ole man years ago he would say 'I can't read your mind' that use to bother me because I knew he knew what I was getting at. He knows what I'm going to say because we have been stepping all around whatever it was for years. He just wants me to say this 'it' so he can have his prepared response and go back to reading his paper and hoping I don't talk about this other 'it'."

"Ok."

"Communication is overrated. I think our life works better without it. Everybody already knows what the hell is going on in every situation, they are just pretending not to know."

"What?"

"It doesn't makes things more dramatic, when you discuss what is really going on with yourself; when you're being accountable for everything that is going on in your life. People cannot handle when you begin to operate your own dimmer switch of pain and joy. They believe you are introducing them to the unknown, the scary, the Boogey man. But who gives a fuck if they do, right?"

"Where are you heading with this?"

"I don't know. Hopefully lower cell phone bills and quieter times.

"You just don't want to pay your bill this month, right?"

"Well it seems a little higher than last month."

"So what are you saying?"

"You know what I'm saying."

0 + 0 = 0

1 x 0 = 0

everything is yours when everything is given away

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss. Love is painful because it transforms; love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence fear arises. And leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. The fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

And because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

It is because of the pain of love that millions of people live a loveless life. They, too, suffer, and their suffering is futile. To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. To suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. To suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle.

-osh0
love, freedom, aloneness

without action

inspiration

i sit in confusion

pieces

unclear

jagged and edgy

there is trouble catching my breath

without inspiration i am nothing.

when I move through the guided will i am clear.

Everything is quiet.

I know.

William walks the dog in stages.

"Inertia is all I have."

"OK"

"We are people walking around just doing things."

"OK."

"That's it. I just see a person that I am attracted to, all I have is this drive to start up a conversation. From where? Based on the way they look?

"That's a good beginning I would say."

"You see what I'm saying?"

"I'm not sure."

"It's just this inertia. This propelling. What I'm saying here is just an example. It is like that for everything that I just don't connect with but feel another part of myself just reacting to.

"I'm sorry. I just haven't had my breakfast yet."

"I am just reacting. I'm not truly connecting to these things. I think I am. I am wayward though. Everything I can possibly say to this person is going to be right down here where that reaction is generating from. That is where this situation goes wrong. I have to quiet myself down and allow this experience to give way to something of more importance."

"OK?"

"I'm just standing at a bus stop observing."

"OK"

"Observing till I am reacting and then I am observing that until there is a connection in my mind and then I am interacting with this person until there is a revelation."

"Walking the dog must pose a problem for you."

"Yeah I guess so."

William is the new William.

"Happiness is the new happiness."

"I'm sorry?"

"Sadness use to be the happiness for me. I fought for it on the playground and then took it to the prom."

"OK."

"But I'm finding it is OK to feel peace. I find it is OK to be content, happy. In fact I find it to be a goal."

"A goal?"

"Yes. I find that not having business is OK. Not having drama saturating my life is actually something I can be OK with. I don't even need yours either. I'm OK sitting quietly waiting on the next peaceful thought."

"Sounds like it makes sense right?"

"Sounds like it right? But people are uncomfortable with it. It bothers them. You come across not giving a care. You bludgeon them with indifferences."

"Well something has to be wrong, right? You got to still have problems."

"No. No problems. The only problems is that you think there is a problem. Your only problem is people needing you to have problems. You even upset people not having them. They disdain you for not being bothered."

"You're bothering me."

"I'm confusing you as well."

"Right."

"Happiness is the new happiness."

Slowie easily works.

"If I can't manipulate I can't live."

"Your face helps."

"I still have to do this to people so I can feel comfortable."

"Your legs assist."

"Those that can't be manipulated like Nicholas scares me to death. If I can't usher him into a pen with methods of manipulation then what is there, right? How would I be able to understand them?"

"Talking is ruled out?"

"I don't know who I'm talking too. When I talk to people it's like I'm talking to myself. I know very well what manipulates me, so I just exercise this on others. With Nick it doesn't work. he seems to be freely thinking. He is unleashed or something."

"You still have your walking arsenal."

"It's like everything was connected to one thought system and he abandoned it all. Not even a part of it works. I don't think it could not work.It is like the complete opposite of what I do."

"You work at manipulation?"

"It doesn't take much work."

"OK."

"It's a guide."

"What does that say about me?"

"Can you go get me some more coffee?"

"Right away."

your shoes on the stairs.

over our time

200 shots

in the end

your last photo never came out

it didn't advance or something.

old camera new film

dimly lit

not posed

we posed

in the end it only remains in my head

if you hate me

i want you to know that you do.