pain is rewarding.

you can profess its difficulty

but being a dredge is easy

doesn't cost

you can bury yourself in pain and even seek out everyone else's

but its a mire

corrosion.

love is hard work

a climb

joy

love is a State

they only one you can be.

Slowie hates to fly

"I didn't trust him."

"Do you trust anyone?"

"I possibly maybe trust you."

"Of course."

"He was trying to make our relationship enriching."

"God forbid."

"I need it to stay where it is."

"Your running it?"

"I know what we both need. Plus I like the idea of watching it break apart while only being sustained by sex and words that have little meaning to us."

"Break apart?"

"Undone."

"So....what you are saying is you are in a relationship that will be like a plane that has run out of gas, and you will rush to the cockpit to get a close up to what happens next."

"Right. It is the breaking up over the mountains that seems to interests me right now."

"What again is his input?"

"He in the beginning was down with my plan. He signed off on it. He loved it."

"Was it your legs."

"Possibly. Or the oral cream pies."

"Yes I've heard stories."

"Of course."

"But what about now? Sounds like it would makes sense that he would go against what he signed in the beginning. I mean your the only heartless one from all the people you interact with."

"You think I'm wrong?"

"No. Suicidal is more like it. There is something big about yourself you disagree with."

"I don't go to the cockpit to watch things break apart just so you can write that down. I can hear fine from where I'm sitting. I just know what I'm looking for in relationships at the moment. I just expect the other person to sign on with the same belief and mean it."

"But something tells me you know they can't live up to it. Something tell me you can't as well so you know it will break apart. You expect it to, you want it to."

"What are you saying?"

"Suggesting."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Insinuating."

"What the fuck are you saying?"

"Ah nothing."

"Right of course."

"I signed on to something with you as well."

"Of course you have."

No statements.

i choked on that question.

i want to come out and make a statement

i want to be sure

as if to settle down so we can drive the future.

i want to make a statement

but i am ill prepared.

i am persuaded.

but serenaded

by tomorrow.

i fucking choked on that question

no notes in front of me .

Anthony is a blow card

"Well."

"Well what?"

"I don't understand why these New Yorkers keep fuckin' coming. It is issue after issue after issue. I can't read all of these. Thirty thousand word articles about the cigarette hierarchy in China. Where the ampersand first came about. You understand what I'm talking about?"

"You signed the Motha-fuckin' blow card. Why pay for a subscription?"

"I don't know?"

"What?"

"I don't know? I have to see it in my box. I actually read it. What I'm trying to articulate is how I don't like how it just keeps coming before I can finish another one, you know?"

"Well let it go at your pace, idiot? Let them mount up. Fuck I don't know."

"I'm not looking to get behind. I'm not looking to get many issues behind, you see?"

"I don't see anything. I'm actually blind to this fucking logic, or this entire conversation. Matter of fact I want my carbon dioxide back."

"It is that they intimidate me when they quickly send another issue. They just strong arm me with another pile of words after I have had a chance to digest the current issue."

"Strong arm? I mean your serious with this?"

"I need to read each issue, you understand that right?"

"Every article?"

"Not everyone. I just want to peruse it at my pace and choose the ones that work for me, without the idea that another more relevant one wasn't lurking just outside my bathroom. What I'm trying to say is they have done something right. They have gotten me where they want me; they have succeeded in whatever they were trying to succeed at with me, and you have to sit here and witness this victim hood because your in a similar position."

"You got me there."

Slowie is hiding out.

"Scared me out of my mind."

"What?"

"None of your business."

"It takes one to make a conversation go right and two to make it out of sight."

"It happen to me once."

"What?"

"What is with all the what's?"

"Huh?"

"The most dangerous thing in my entire life."

"You spent an evening alone."

"Your close for once. But let me explain. I was actually in love, or something that felt like 100 heart attacks on a daily basis."

"You?"

"This was years ago, ages, before it was me with the Monster truck guy, choker, Mr. Excitement, the rapist, eager the driller and the stalker, before these wonderful Saturday nights of dread there was something incredibly different."

"You don't know what love is."

"Unfortunately I do. It is a wrecking. It is the ground moving and the sky falling. It is a incredible warm sensation that changes the direction of the blood flow in your body as you hold a family bag size of chips at Walgreen's check out and you happen to think about the person for the thousandth time in an hour. It asks so fucking much from you that you tear down the street trying to get away from it. It is brutality on the heart. An assault that has you saying incomprehensible things about babies and joint tax returns and love songs. It is the scariest thing known to man but also the most beautiful and incredible experience you can have that explains your entire existence if you can make it to the warm loving nugget in the center and hold on. So if you are not feeling this in a relationship, then you are not in love. You are faking it. You are hiding out, like I am with my monster truck guy and the choker--easily where I am afraid to be alone and I can again be concerned with how fabulous I look and of course accept fucking as a consolation prize when it comes to the sky falling."

"How romantic."

"Yes. How safe."

"And you look wonderful."

"I know that. It's again the only thing that remains."

more to adjust than experience

i am a construction that has forced my way into your kitchen

your own repairs should come

you have to stand back to see.

your own timetable scheduled

i have made you advance out of sync

with my charm.

my assembly.

out.

i have unpacked my bags

and i am heading out

heading out to know amorousness

devoutness

i want to go where my desires take me. Out into the rotundity of this vastness.

resisting my own regulations

escaping my own profundity

out looking to know love.

out looking to know myself.

Lanvin is close.

"He uses sex to hold onto what I'm saying."

"OK."

"I'm not having a immediate problem with it, but I'm not seeing I need the same thing."

"I never would have realize that about you."

"I'm serious."

"OK."

"What I'm trying to say is I'm not going to write him off. I'm going to keep him."

"That's unusual for you. You would put Jesus nut's in a vice if you could."

"I like Jesus and I keep people."

"Just the safe ones."

"Not just the safe ones."

"OK."

"You give up so easily."

"I don't want to spoil my chances to see you naked. I feel I'm close."

"You're not."

"OK."

"He through many many series of conversations got me to understand that he is not trying to manipulate me because I have presentable legs and a great smile that my mother gave me."

"I am."

"He see's sex as a way to feel our incredible conversations, as a way to permeate himself with them."

"Wow."

"What?"

"I don't know."

"Don't worry I worked him over."

"I know you did. I've personally felt your gentle gutting when it comes to me. You've cut me open plenty of times and wore me as a coat."

"You keep me warm in early winter."

"I believe you. But what keeps you there?"

"Of course I'm attracted as usual."

"OK."

"It's that simple. So I have no other choice to work it."

"OK."

"I have to hear him out."

"OK."

"I have to."

"So how close am I now."

"Even further away."

"OK."

A

it is a drum that beats around me.

i can't stop its rhythm with my false ideas

it is a melodic force

a push

a pulsation

a tear if moved

it gives me no time to think

no time to wreck it.

i....

ok....

i must let it go.

ok

you want to be really quiet

shhhhh

you want to listen

you want to listen

can you hear it?

shhh

you want to listen.

I'm open

I'm opening

things.

I want to do an incredible

incredible

amount of nothing

i don't need to do stuff

no need for effects

no need to perform for you

i don't need to hide

i don't need my things.