William is in observance.

"I'm not motivated anymore by something good happening to me or something bad happening to me."

"OK."

"And everything at work has become completely uninteresting."

"Is that your horoscope for today?"

"I'm not sitting around waiting for the result of things, is what I'm saying. It could be the most wonderful thing that happens to me. The most astonishing. But all I want to do is observe. I can't help but just observe. "

"You sound like you're on vacation."

"The absolute same thing goes for something macabre. Something unsettling or troubling. I rather just witness."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about not doing a goddamn thing. I'm tired. I'm tired of of doing the wrong thing so I don't want do anything anymore. I don't know about you but I've fucked up when it comes to decision making. I'm tired of compromises. Every decision I make has trails of pain. I want decisions made that has no effects. So I don't want to make them anymore. I want to sit my life out on account that I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

"This isn't one of those situations where I will be the last person you talk to before you step out of your window on the 12th floor, because I am not trained in any form of prevention."

"No. I know not to trust you with that."

"But what are you talking about 'sittin' this life out?' you can see how it is not making any sense. I mean even for you."

"I am just trying something different, right? I don't know about you but I'm looking. I see that something is wrong, OK? If you can't see it that's on you, I see something in my day to day that is clearly not satisfying and I want to try something else."

"OK. But that's what sounds crazy to me. I've never heard anyone talk like that before....well maybe I haven't noticed. If anything isn't it my job to let you know that you are about a mile out from the deep end?"

"I don't know what your job is. I for once am only concerned with mine."

"OK."

"The sign that my plan is working is that I am feeling more peace already. I am relaxed. No decision making has been the greatest thing I could have ever done."

"But....how can you go through life not making decisions. You see how insane that sounds?"

"Easily. Can't you see that life is happening to you? As soon as you wake up your phone rings or someone is at your door, or at work something is handed to you. I don't say stop basic mechanics. You can still say hello and do your fuckin job. I just say when you have to think. When you really have to think about something important, wait. Take a breath and let that answer come to you. Sit that moment out. Something will come. Let your brain and your body do the blue collar work, but spend most of your life observing. I don't know, try it."

"Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know. Somewhere better than here."

"You're insane."

"Yes."

"The hopeless emptiness; Plenty of people are on to the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness."

-John Givings, Revolutionary Road

William invests with no returns.

"It would give you peace and allow you to be present."

"How's that?"

"I've made some poor investments into people. I should go ahead and say that I should not have invested at all. But that's a lot to ask, right? I can start this type of conversation with you right?"

"Huh?"

"What I realized is that once there is no investment anymore with a person, for example, once you have removed your need for whatever it is you need from them; sex for comfort, mutual depression, mental abuse, food, just plain distractions from any supposed flaw you carried forward from your family. Once you have dug it all out of them--these rancid terrible stocks that you have buried deep into a person from day one. Once you have woke up and grabbed these dusty stocks, healed them and watched them dissolve in your hands, you begin to see a behavior--not a person, and then how you use to be dialed into it. You also begin to see that this person has buried something in you as well. You find that you both were not in a relationship but instead hiding out to protect your bad investments. You're on the lamb."

"Ok. Sounds like corporate malfeasant."

"Right. It is the only crime you can truly commit."

"What's that?"

"The crime of investment of course."

"You can't be serious with that conclusion."

"Why?"

"Crime of passion would have made me at least turn the page."

"Have you been listening? That was my point."

"What?"

"It's really crimes of fear."

"Investments for returns in this life is how things are done. You do just about everything to get some sort of return."

"Right. I understand. I am familiar with how it's always been done. But what I'm saying, if you want to relax, bring your voice down to a whisper, sleep through the night, see your life as if you're sitting in front of a stream, you will see that having great expectations can be an error."

"But you know that this will never happen? Plus I have a million dollars worth of 'hate stock' in a close friend of mine."

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Huh?"

"No expectations gives you peace. I personally have experienced this. I didn't discuss the degree of difficulty because it's not as you think."

"Right?"

"Do you see where I am coming from?"

"Yes. But still what you are asking is arduous. And I really don't even know what your asking. I barely know what we are talking about? I'm distracted."

"Of course."

there is nothing you need to build

not

the trowel

and mortar and glass

or

the brick

and wood and steel

no nails and sand

just humble.

humbleness.

William is stumbling towards I don't know.

It's like you're having a good time. You are at work laughing with your comrades..."

"Comrades?"

"Your eating your Pot pie and talking about 60 Minutes."

"Or the wing span of the Scarlet Robin."

"Then you go home and your with Madeline or Selina.."

"Deadra."

"And she's brushing her teeth and your watching her and then something simply comes over you. Something fucking comes over you hard, right?. All of sudden you've lost it. It all becomes bullshit. And it's not that you think life isn't worth living anymore. None of that shit 'that my life is a lie' and I want to travel the world playing the oboe. Life becomes unbelievable to you. It is illusionary. This shit is not real, this chair, this room can not be understood anymore, right?"

"This is right after dinner and Law and Order?"

"Yeah."

"Madeline and shit? No more Madeline?"

"Yeah no more Madeline. And only in her case because she can't see it."

"But in your case you could swap out Madeline for a woman you met at the bar."

"Possibly yes."

"So what does this all mean? You think we will be able to finish lunch here?"

"Yeah lunch is fine."

"Ok."

"I'm just seeing something that I've never seen before. I'm seeing a singular behavior instead of people and things."

"Ok. I guess."

"What I'm saying is I don't see a person or a job or whatever else as the source of this new development. I see a collective state of all of these things. I see all of the things working together to sustain this rues, right."

"It's a conspiracy."

"Right! It like there is this massive force intricately working to keep me blind to what's really going on and all of a sudden I just unknowingly stumbled into this awareness. Like I found a thousand pages of top secret papers."

"It's like the 70's and you got your hands on the Pentagon Papers, right?"

"Yeah."

"I can dig that."

"Yeah."

"I have no fucking idea what we are talking about here, but what does this all mean?"

"I don't know."

"You seem excited."

"I don't know. For some reason I feel a lot more relieved though."

Loyalty.

when you ask

my loyalty

is to the no

and the yes

what it does to you I can't be concern with.

I feel peace.

Slowie hates her feelings too.

"As soon as he starts liking me, though, I begin to hate him."

"Ok."

"He was fine. He was Ok until then."

"You're a co conspirator when you wear shoes like those."

"These shoes make me feel good."

"Ok."

"I don't like myself that's why.That's why I begin to dislike him."

"So you buy shoes?"

"Which is why if he falls for me I dislike him for making that error."

"Should I try and get this straight?"

"Someone else's false admiration chokes me. Because he likes me and I feel like a fraud. I feel like an actress who has been on stage her whole life. Giving a performance only to stave off loneliness. No I don't want to go to that dinner party. No I don't care about your promotion at work, or the kids recital. Matter of fact I don't give a fuck. My feelings are all bullshit. I'm lost and what the hell is everyone clapping about?"

"Interesting."

"Yes, I think so. Just not feeling authentic, you know? Feeling too lady like, too business woman. I'm feeling too many too's, too many things and not enough feeling of anything."

"Right."

"It's a performance, and one that's getting worse."

"What character am I playing?"

"Your alcohol. A bottle of alcohol that makes me confess all of this."

"Single malt please."

"Ok."

"With that, least I will be able to follow you everywhere in this performance."