Lanvin has an answer for you.

"I don't think we know how to have a relationship. Maybe we truly are not suppose to."

"Huh?"

"We don't have a clue. I was one way to this person and another way to someone else. I have myself in so many pieces around the city, how can someone really know who I am? I couldn't take a moment to see what I believed in. I just needed five minutes of consistency."

"I have you as hot as fuck. Just wondering how that equates."

"Listen."

"I am."

"We don't know how to relate to anything around us. We don't know what any of it is there for. We are just reacting. On the defense once something presents itself without taking a moment to take it in and really see how to interact, and see what we are suppose to get out of it. Before someone invites me to their house. I have to see who is going to be there. I have to see if it will hurt me politically if I don't go. I'm on the defensive. If I decided to go I have to be on. I have to perform, with anecdotes and wit. I have to recall stories that really don't mean much to me. I am being evoked. I am being provoked."

"I consider that socializing. Or just get drunk in a corner."

"So just be there? For what?"

"What?"

"Why?"

"Its cordial. Makes people feel comfortable. I like looking at you."

"Should I make you feel comfortable?"

"Yeah. I'm scared otherwise.Like you going to make me start thinking and shit. Contemplating and emptying my mind of this Jambalaya of fakery I work so hard to gather."

"Yeah, you are."

"Come on these little things don't hurt you."

"They do."

"Ok."

"I do one thing and worry about five things associated with it. It is a chain reaction that leads to the next distraction. I don't have time to make a shape of myself before the dust is in the air again."

"Theses are little things in a long day."

"No."

"You make going over someones house seem like the Bilderberg."

"The event is little. But what it does to my mind is huge. It crowds my mind. I am giving it too much time. I decided to go after the cause of my problems."

"What does that mean?"

"I will be saying 'No' a lot more to protect myself. I'm looking for a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth."

"I 'm looking for a steak burrito, but why do I feel like I am in the gym right now."

"Well this is resistance."

"I assume this is just another very elaborate way to say that you are not going to my sister's party later."

"What gave that away?"

"What fuckin' upsets me is I can't even find how to be angry now. I mean I'm looking.You have to be more proficient at giving me something to attack."

Slowie doesn't want your flowers.

"I left him because he didn't make me addicted."

"What?"

"I had to go back to someone I can emotionally lose myself and fight in department stores with."

"Barneys?"

"It's not a relationship though, right? Not love or anything. In the first month I had addiction met for a bit, but in the second month I realized he didn't meet this level. I need my beach over run by drama."

"Right."

"But again it's not love or how he folds the laundry. It's addiction. I need to be in an unstable and unhealthy relationship. That's the draw. I don't care how lovely the flowers are.

"That sounds so sweet."

"I might leave someone to see if someone else can raise the intensity of this disrespect, but safe to say--I would return if that isn't met."

"Ok."

"I do it because I can't stop searching for that feeling. I tear through the wrapping paper and throw away what's inside.

"Very endearing."

"I'm so close."

"You might want to cut to the chase and just go out to dinner with pain."

"Then I could call the search off."

"For at least a month."

Anthony doesn't want to pay his cell phone bill.

"Telling people your unstable thoughts is overrated."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"You didn't hear me?"

"I said 'what'."

"When I would argue with my Ole man years ago he would say 'I can't read your mind' that use to bother me because I knew he knew what I was getting at. He knows what I'm going to say because we have been stepping all around whatever it was for years. He just wants me to say this 'it' so he can have his prepared response and go back to reading his paper and hoping I don't talk about this other 'it'."

"Ok."

"Communication is overrated. I think our life works better without it. Everybody already knows what the hell is going on in every situation, they are just pretending not to know."

"What?"

"It doesn't makes things more dramatic, when you discuss what is really going on with yourself; when you're being accountable for everything that is going on in your life. People cannot handle when you begin to operate your own dimmer switch of pain and joy. They believe you are introducing them to the unknown, the scary, the Boogey man. But who gives a fuck if they do, right?"

"Where are you heading with this?"

"I don't know. Hopefully lower cell phone bills and quieter times.

"You just don't want to pay your bill this month, right?"

"Well it seems a little higher than last month."

"So what are you saying?"

"You know what I'm saying."

0 + 0 = 0

1 x 0 = 0

everything is yours when everything is given away

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss. Love is painful because it transforms; love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence fear arises. And leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. The fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

And because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

It is because of the pain of love that millions of people live a loveless life. They, too, suffer, and their suffering is futile. To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. To suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. To suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle.

-osh0
love, freedom, aloneness

without action

inspiration

i sit in confusion

pieces

unclear

jagged and edgy

there is trouble catching my breath

without inspiration i am nothing.

when I move through the guided will i am clear.

Everything is quiet.

I know.

William walks the dog in stages.

"Inertia is all I have."

"OK"

"We are people walking around just doing things."

"OK."

"That's it. I just see a person that I am attracted to, all I have is this drive to start up a conversation. From where? Based on the way they look?

"That's a good beginning I would say."

"You see what I'm saying?"

"I'm not sure."

"It's just this inertia. This propelling. What I'm saying here is just an example. It is like that for everything that I just don't connect with but feel another part of myself just reacting to.

"I'm sorry. I just haven't had my breakfast yet."

"I am just reacting. I'm not truly connecting to these things. I think I am. I am wayward though. Everything I can possibly say to this person is going to be right down here where that reaction is generating from. That is where this situation goes wrong. I have to quiet myself down and allow this experience to give way to something of more importance."

"OK?"

"I'm just standing at a bus stop observing."

"OK"

"Observing till I am reacting and then I am observing that until there is a connection in my mind and then I am interacting with this person until there is a revelation."

"Walking the dog must pose a problem for you."

"Yeah I guess so."