Anthony is looking for much more than his change back.

"There is the woman behind the register at the market that makes me feel uncomfortable."

"What am I your mother and you need me to come up to the school for you?"

"I don't know If it makes sense."

"What?"

"The things I bring to the counter, she criticizes. She smiles about it. She says things like 'You know you could save more money by buying the smaller apples in a bag rather than these big ones individually.' A week earlier she didn't like the olive oil I set in front of her, or how I was buying chips without the dip. I explained I like the chips without dip. I enjoy them better. I don't like my chips disturbed by anything."

"What is the point of the ramble."

"I like her. I want to take her out."

"What?"

"She is many many cities away from attractive. A train would get her there in 6 hours, but there are no trains headed there from her city."

"That is generally my first rule. I guess you would have to reside in the city of attraction and own an apartment there before we could go to the movies."

"I like the fact that she has an opinion and doesn't mind using it. Generally going into markets I expect to stay anonymous. I expect to take my jar of mayonnaise up to the counter and have some sort of dead conversation, or some sort of pretend conversation that just carries us through the check out process. I'm not expecting someone to take in my purchase long enough to make poignant suggestions."

"Is that what's going on? Don't you think she's annoying to everyone? She's just a busybody. She lives in a one room apartment. This job is her soap box. She would be dead without this job."

"No. She has revitalized my belief in humanity."

"What? Over an expired bottle of mayonnaise you've found Queen Boudicca of the Iceni?"

"I like to be told what to do."

"You do? Is she at least right?"

"Not most of the time, no. I just like that she still gives her opinion even though she is wrong or unclear of all the facts. She has passion and conviction about something and her job is not depending on it. You put her in another correct environment she would thrive."

"If she was beautiful this conversation would have been rendered mute. I would also buy my groceries there."

"I just like the idea that she cares enough to say something, breaking up the usual expectant placid exchange."

"You're desperate."

"I am. For something much more than mayonnaise. Something much more heartfelt. I am always on the look out for it."

"OK. Remind me never to stand behind you in a store."

Slowie doesn't want to lease her orgasm

"I should of got a DFUIO"

"There is an 'FU' in there."

"What?"

"I don't know."

"That stands for 'Driving Formally Under the Influence of an Intense Orgasm' and it didn't come inside of a relationship. There was no clinking of glasses at a dinner reception"

"I'm trying to eat."

"Listen!"

"OK!"

"I'm determined to own love and sex outside of the worlds fucking definition, because I'm going to have a good time. There is no need to be in a relationship. There is no need to be married."

"Can you believe they have mussel soup here with meatballs and cheese in it."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm listening. You want to own love and sex."

"I want to feel love the way I want to feel it. I don't need your disclaimer. I want to have sex the way I want to have it. I don't want your interpretations."

"I didn't do anything."

"I want to be with whoever the hell I am attracted to physically and let that guide the way. "

"OK."

"My orgasm is more intense because of this. My love is more prevalent because of this."

"I didn't say it wasn't. I don't know what we are talking about."

"The people I choose is my business. Based on my internal decision. I want to be the owner of Love and sex's definition when it comes to the experiences it gives me."

"I want to know if they are using thyme in this soup."

"What!"

"I'm listening. You want to be the author of all your experiences."

"Wow."

"See."

"No. You're really going to eat that?"

I am not a hero

I am not the hero anymore

everything is so quiet

so quiet.

So quiet that I can see myself coming apart, peeling away as if glued, and sustain by just nimble pressure.

my mind was its ally and it has let up

it has unraveled to reveal this vaguely familiar self. Cloudy, not made out yet.

but quiet.

Pieced together not by my thoughts and my past

but my present experiences.

I'm not a hero anymore

not a hero in my architected dream

or held by the pressure of the future and the glue of the past.

free to the unknown--welcomed by my inspiration.

Love

treat them

treat them with what they give you

Don't go looking.

Don't go digging

heal them with love

William wants to be off track.

"I don't know."

"What?"

"It's just out of a relationship I continue to look for the same ingredients for something that will not work again. I can't shake that philosophy of thinking. Every person who enters I try to size them up for that impossible...that horrendously flawed model, and then tossed them out for not meeting it."

"I would hate to see you at a bar."

"Ah."

"You're a victim of confusion."

"I am missing what works. I can't hear or see what works, because I get back on track. A track to nowhere. A track that I am rattled along on filled with depressing cars and hateful speeches."

"Is that how you judge it?"

"I judge that's it. I judge everything like I know what's best for me. I don't have a clue. Lost. The only thing that matters is what is being handed to me right now. I should hold that precious. Precious before my big brain gets started trying to denounce it because it doesn't quite fit anything on the track."

"So what are you saying?"

"I don't know."

"All those words made me feel like I was on a ride at an amusement park. You know something."

"I don't want to be on a track. I don't want to spoil what's right in front of me especially if I am attracted to it. Whatever it is."

"Sounds like a destination, though."

"Yeah, one I don't have to leave home to get too."

not guiding.

I don't seek out

I have found a way to wait

opening

to moment

stepping back when needed;

no silly sudden ideas

it is the water

a quiet flowing

soft and quiet

or succumbing and invading.

"It's not the cheating it's the hunger. The hunger for an alternative, and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness."

-Sarah

Lanvin will not take your coat.

"You can't find any poured concrete."

"How's that? This is my trick ear."

"When someone comes into my life there is no surface to put anything down on. They have to stand there with their coat on."

"I never factored in your rudeness."

"People are looking to settle in. They are looking to disappear, or coast on a history of fantasy relationships that Movies, their family have handed down to them. they are hoping their reputation of living a life uninspired can easily precede them."

"Travelling to a new relationship easily brings baggage."

"No."

"Yes."

"I don't want your bumper sticker covered crack plastic suitcases."

"If I was Slowie I would say Louis Vuitton. But I am not so I would say that you were correct."

"People want to put their stuff down. The are looking for concrete so they can relax. They can sit down and steady themselves so complacency gradually over take them. They are looking for the familiar."

"And you are making them keep their coat on. Stand there slack jawed even? With their heavy bags in hand. I thought the wolves raised you better than that."

"Stand right fucking there. It is where I have their attention. It is where we are alive."

The most difficult challenge we can possibly face is the act of surrender, the unconditional acceptance of what is. This is releasing control. This is the ultimate humility born from the truthful acknowledgment of not-knowing.

Enlightenment is a demolition project. We cannot get there without dismantling everything we think we know. It is about unlearning everything that keeps us tied into believing we must maintain control. Ego-release removes every block to awareness of Love's presence that inhibits us from experiencing and knowing Love, Peace, Joy, and abundance. this is our identity and our purpose.

Slowie wants to know what affection is.

"I don't know how to use affection properly. I should say I don't truly understand it."

"Please, please just let me drink my coffee."

"I think like sex I've learned to be an actor with it. I use holding hands to manipulate a response out of someone."

"This conversation could scar me."

"Hold on."

"OK."

"Affection though seems to be much more arduous than sex. It seems to require more attention and purposely lacks an immediate goal. It is such a sensitive undertaking. It is such a soft and warm venue. I don't know."

"What?"

"Well sex generally has a goal, right?"

"I know. I was just saying 'what' huh?"

"Affections main goal seems to keep you present, it doesn't have a co-star. It just require attention to what your feeling and expressing right in that moment. It doesn't need an explanation. Something just wants to spill out of you unmonitored."

"But let's just hold on here, you can use it to get a waitress--who is mind you--is here today, to have mutual oral explorations confined to areas about the face with you in a car behind a bookstore."

"Please, please no specifics."

"So how do you ruin it?"

"I use holding hands to manipulate."

"Right."

"I figure I have to stop moving, now. I have to let go. I am desiring a release to some actors contract."

"That could only lead to vulnerability."

"I just want to understand affection."

"Just sounds like when it comes to someone, you just need to let it spill out unmonitored."

"If they can be present, quiet and resolute enough. And just honestly hold my hand."

"I think I'm going to cry."

"I want too."

William needs a ride.

"I lost all of my friends because I didn't do the continuation game."

"Not sure I want to ask."

"I didn't!"

"Not sure if you have to be adamant about something when I don't know what your talking about."

"I didn't call one of them. But I have taken their call. But the key is I didn't give them what they wanted, and afterwards I didn't try to continue future conversations by meeting them a few days later."

"I'm sorry?"

"I didn't play any continuation games with them."

"We've established that part."

"Listen. I woke up to these conversations my so called friends were having with me. They were calling to lob accusations at everyone else in their lives except themselves. These conversations were labor intensive. Large amounts of wasted carbon dioxide. And with continuation it would continue from the phone to coffee downtown, to the bowling alley uptown. It would continue like a pedway that broke its belt."

"The pedway would stop wouldn't it?"

"In theory I guess."

"What kept you."

"I was invested. It was job security for me. You take away every troglodyte and I am useless. I needed to hear that incessant whine so that I could feel in service. My advice was at least taken like a pamphlet on the street and discarded blocks away so they could later grab another one sitting at a cafe with me later in the week. I needed them. And now well, I don't."

"Without this no ones wants to ride with you?"

"No. Nobody wants to talk to a person who has them face their own music, because he had to. Nobody wants the Merry-Go-Round to stop. Fuck that."

"Yeah there's elephant ears and cotton candy to eat."

"What?"

"Thought we were using a amusement park metaphor."

"Everybody wants to ride."

"What does that mean for me?"

"Well you're my ride home, of course."

Through our vulnerability we find strength and its source.

Anthony can stop a single sex act with his mouth.

"Some people are undateable?"

"Is that a word?"

"I'm pretty sure. But listen you don't want to take them to the counter space design and the modern kitchen show."

"What?"

"You understand?"

"No."

"They are not built for that!"

"Ok."

"They are built for only a sexual relationship."

"Did you just whisper that?"

"I'm telling you if you don't know."

"I am the wrong person for this, because I'm not having a problem with that scenario."

"Come on you serious?"

"Yes."

"That scenario is built for a neighbor down the hall, not for someone who has created elaborate logistics to go somewhere when you know she's not capable of holding a conversation, and all she wants is sex anyway."

"What?"

"It's a wasted scenario is what I'm saying, it is a waste of time."

"You would like her to come out with it?"

"I don't know what I want. I know I can see it. What do I do with all of this knowledge? I can see too much."

"Well Spiderman with great knowledge comes great responsibility."

"I want to go back where I can't see so far ahead. I want to go back when I was naked in some strange woman's bathroom, where I stood in her mirror and said 'how did I get here?' I just wanted dinner and a movie."

"You don't want that I want that."

"Right. Your right. I think I have graduated. Is that what it is? You're the one stuck on the little orange sped's bus with your helmet and mismatched socks."

"let's try our best not to disparage me too much."

"I've become Superman."

"Spiderman."

"You don't understand what we just broached here. I am starting to understand things a little differently than the average person."

"I did always say that you were different."

"Yes, being the same is the problem."

"Do you have her number?"

Lanvin is attracted to love.

"Sex is an attraction, it is not love.

"I didn't say that. I mean I don't know what we are talking about."

"It is not some fucking destination. It is just a tool like anything else that you are open to in the experience if you are seeking to receive truth about yourself."

"A screwdriver."

"right, or course."

"You say this as if you believe sex isn't sacred."

"Are you listening to me?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"I was listening a little."

"I see it as enjoyment. I don't see it as sacred."

"But it is the corner stone to all relationships even if you are having it or bitching about not having it."

"It is still just a tool in seeing yourself better. A tool cannot be studied."

"I can study how to use it."

"In your case that is manipulation."

"Maybe so."

"Definitely right."

"Would you like to come over later?"

"No!"

yield to the willow
all the loathing
all the desire of your heart.

Matsuo Bashō

Anthony is an insider.

"I feel like we are looking to be stars. I mean I was listening to some guy on the train go on about how he was picked with five other people to represent his company for whatever reason. He went on trying to convince whoever he was talking to how special this was, because whoever he was talking needed convincing."

"You like being Gene Hackman?"

"What?"

"The Conversation."

"Huh?"

"Forget it."

"It just seems we are sitting around waiting for someone to make us marginally important so we can tell someone else. We don't even care that we will be representing some boring ass company that we were just bitching about last week."

"That is what you pulled from that?"

"What? I got many examples. I just feel we are not making our own self important with anything original. Only our outside experiences dictate."

"Huh?"

"I'm just saying."

"What?"

"I just want to have an original idea that isn't first manifested from anything outside of me. I want it to be in my mind first."

"This all from a conversation."

"Yeah. But now that I think about it what I am saying now doesn't seem to be coming from anything outside me."

"What?"

"Now that I think about it again, what is going on outside of me is maybe meant to get something original going on inside me."

"You're a natural insider."

"Huh?"

pulled in its wake

pulled with a lot less in our hands.

Lanvin is not an illusionist.

"I have complete control over the negative feelings I have when it comes to people. In any negative situation that I am having with someone I have to look at how it is serving me and change it there if it isn't."

"Please, please, I need my coffee."

"Listen, these things were happening to me. Every situation where I found myself embarrassed or appalled at what I was doing to someone, or what was going to happen to them later, was really only happening for me to change my thinking about it. It was just a feeling, not an actual thing. Something trying to get my attention."

"You make it seem that this very real life is rigged for you."

"Not just me."

"This can't be true."

"It is."

"No I mean I ordered Neuchatel cheese on my omelette and they gave me cheddar."

"Stay with me."

"Of course."

"I am saying that if you are worried about a negative experience that someone is going to have; that you truly believe they shouldn't, you can look closer and see that the experience was just for you. And then they won't."

"But what does it mean? It is nowhere near that simple. What are you an illusionist?"

"It means we spend 99 percent of our time worrying about people, places and things when it comes to our relationship with them and it doesn't have anything to do with those things."

"What kind of power do you think we have? Waking up putting on my pants and walking down here took the full capacity of my brain cells."

"I'm saying your worry is a waste. The experience works without you. Even if you feel directly effected by something."

"So you want me to believe that there is nothing to worry about?"

"It's a waste of time."

"So you are saying that I really wanted cheddar?"

"You really wanted beer and cereal you're just trying to impress me."

Slowie was a track star.

"Hey I am staying centered it is the world that is moving funny."

"What are we talking about?"

"I like the quiet. I can't compete with that."

"What?"

"I have to flow with all of that."

"What?"

"I'm just trying to stop moving so I can get in sync with this life that was designed not of Riley."

"Is that what allows you to currently date the felon?"

"Well the felon is a caveat, but yes. He provides a wonderful service to my burgeoning enlightenment as long as I keep my hands inside the ride and I don't try to escape. I can't get any big bright ideas anymore. I can't slip out."

"What does that mean?"

"I am taken it for what it is. I'm standing still and going with it."

"That sounds like mescaline."

"A little."

"Are you on it now?"

"A little."

"What does this mean for the Slowie I know and sort of disdain?"

"She's tired. She's got caught. She was tired of running, and has turned herself in.

"OK."

"I was running to different cities building my little shanty towns."

"In designer shoes I'm sure.

"Possibly."

"OK."

"All the people regardless of their biography can catch me now. They can ply me with their mirrors. I give in. I give up."

"You sound like a fugitive."

"I was just tired."

"OK, but you do."

"I just gave up."

"OK."

"I like the quiet."

The images you make give rise to but conflicting goals, impermanent and vague, uncertain and ambiguous. Who could be constant in his efforts, or direct his energies and concentrated drive toward goals like these? The functions which the world esteems are so uncertain that they change ten times an hour at their most secure. What hope of gain can rest on goals like this? In lovely contrast, certain as the sun's return each morning to dispel the night, your truly given function stands out clear and wholly unambiguous. There is no doubt of its validity.

something is happening

i am looking too far

the new month

why do i go through my prostrations

while i sequence the future

the new month

the new month

it is the new month

it is the new day

it is the new moment

no time to celebrate, no time to rest