Anthony at the sea.

"Its a tight grip."

"What is?"

"Some of my friends have this damn tight grip on their life. You can see it in their face when I'm sitting with them."

"Where?"

"I don't know anywhere."

"Here?"

"I don't come here."

"Ok."

"They are sitting there, trying to relax but instead going back and forth from victim to hood. They have this fucking white knuckle grip on their life that has their heart beating so fast. They look frazzled and distant. They look disheveled and spacey and can't see it."

"I know disheveled."

"I should be a mirror."

"What?"

"I feel like I'm sitting on rocks at rough fucking seas. I can see the possibilities of calmness though. In my mind I can feel the serenity, but right now the shit is lapping, it's getting on my pant legs."

"What is it again?"

"It's this grip. They have to let go of."

"They don't have to do anything."

"No, they don't have to do anything.

"Right."

"Depending on what's currently going on in their lives their grip is the cause of it. That tight anxiety filled grip."

"Whatever is needed, it is arising spontaneously to meet whatever the needs of the moment are."

mooji

Slowie doesn't want your life.

"I don't want their lives."

"What?"

"I just don't want their lives."

"Ok."

"I just found that I listened to a whole lot of bullshit just to get to what I wanted--that sensation. That fucking orgasm. I listened to their damn politics and religion and other shit, just so I could feel good. And you know what?"

"I can't say that I do."

"When I finally snapped out of it. When I was finally done with my desire for them, or their shit became so overwhelming I found I didn't like their life. I wasn't comparable to them. I didn't like their toilet paper from CVS or that book bag they carried or the way they sat or walked."

"Your down in the marrow."

"I found that our entire interaction was based my addiction to feeling fucking good. It was like the only one hearing the dog whistle."

"Dog does come into play."

"What?"

"But your transient though, right?"

"Yeah, I like to come and go. But not when I want to play the game of a relationship. Not when I want to be somewhat serious. Not when I want to pretend that I have a boyfriend when my friends are around or I need someone on my arm for the season. I want that to be someone that is a little more. But I see that is a rouse. I see it again comes down to my addiction to feeling fucking good. Like peanut brittle on a Saturday afternoon."

"You don't eat that."

"I do."

"Sir Francis from Dean & Deluca?"

"Judy's"

"Ok."

"I don't want their lives because they belong to someone else. I could've figured this out early on but I didn't give a shit in the beginning of the relationship."

"Because you were addicted to feeling fucking good."

"Yeah. I was."

William is now free of contradictions.

"There are so many contradictions when I get out of the now."

"The what?"

"The now. The moments before you start driving that life bus."

"Right, ok."

"You don't know what I'm talking about."

"I do."

"God, I can make some statement about what I don't like or do like at 8 in the morning that turns into the direct opposite by 1 pm. I am constantly unsure throughout the day. It's insanity and based on the next commercial I see."

"Commercial?"

"Just showing how easily a so called philosophy can change."

"I guess."

"You don't know what I'm talking about."

"I do."

"Even those who are stubborn. People who like to give off that 'they are the same assholes for years', but in their head their philosophy is changing, but because they fear what people will think--the perception of others, they play the tape of their usual behavior. They are generally trapped."

"Maybe so."

"The trick is realizing that your fucked up. Your insane. You're a freeway full of daily contradictions, and the direction you get right now saves you."