What I thoughtfully give to things is enough

William wants comfort.

"I went  to the Meatloaf Bakery."

"Do they serve meatloaf there?

"Yes they do."

"OK."

"I got served a meatloaf that was sort of spicy."

"OK."

"I'm desiring something else in this world."

"What? You mean the meatloaf? I add hollandaise sauce to everything maybe that..."

"No. I'm not finding the same comfort in the usual desires anymore."

"OK."

"This worlds desires have changed their gravity in my mind. I've discovered that I am stringing together a different kind of consistency. I am not looking for the temporary respite of the desire trench I keep throwing myself in when my life stops by.  I've always jumped in couched myself between pleasure and fear. I've decided to string together a different consistency. Take a risk for once. See what all the fuss is about. I don't want this manufactured comfort that last a few hours, or just through the weekend..."

"You're not stringing..."

"I'm not comfortable here."

"OK."

"I don't feel comfortable. I can't get comfortable doing what you do."

"Stringing this consistency of comfortable desires..."

"You're listening right?"

"Yes."

"I just want to stay up. OK? I just want to stay up. I'm tired. I want a sustained comfort. I want a comfort that hooks a ride with infinity."

"You want a lot."

"I do. And I 'm going to stay up here and see if it gives me just that."

"I have a taste for meal loaf now."

Do you want to understand or do you want peace?

What do I want to be in life? Here I assume a reason for living that is separate from life. So many now believe their life is headed toward some grand finale. But maybe we are not moving in a direction any more than the world is. The belief that the events of my life are supposed to 'add up' cause me to justify my past actions and plan against the future. The reason I don't want to drive, wait in line, run errands for others, is that i think I know what my destiny looks like. This trivial activity is therefore a waste of time because it doesn't contribute to the important work I must do before I die.



The way for me to live is to have no way. My only habit should be to have none. Because I did it this way before is not sufficient reason to do it this way today.


I can have a self or I can have consistent behavior. I cannot have both.


































--Hugh Prather

Your messages soothe me and interest me infinitely, particularly since you seem to be saying very honestly and possibly even clearly some things that I just cannot understand. Re-reading them is like confronting a branch of advanced calculus that I am just incapable of grasping, with the individual figures perfectly clear to me, but the way that they combine to prove anything or amount to anything completely inaccessible.












Some Special Limits
More Challenging Limits
Absolute Convergence
Conditional Convergence
Differentiation and Continuity
Global Extrema
Critical Points
More Problems on the Derivative
More on the Area Problem
Integration by Parts
Integration of Rational Functions
Substitution
Problems on Techniques of Integration
Power Series

William doesn't subscribe to that.

"If I am looking for a new career. If I am looking to be involved with someone, or move to another house, or country. I have to look at it the same way as if I was going to the store to buy cereal."

"Don't start with me."

"I have to."

"Start with me?"

"No. I have to look at it this way. You want to know why?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No."

"OK."

"I have to do this. It's the only thing I haven't tried."

"I don't understand."

"If I take something so fucking serious in my life, and I bring my heart rate down. I calm myself down when faced with for instance moving. I have to move. Its unexpected. Out of nowhere. I can't afford it. I don't know whats going to happen until the day gets closer. If I accept this experience, as if I am in a grocery store trying to buy cereal. Trying to decide once its upon me, it will be a success."

"No."

"What?"

"Sounds insane."

"Yes. But the shit is the same."

"No it's not. It has more ramifications."

"It does. I won't disagree with you. I'm just saying my approach has to be the same."

"What?"

"I'm just saying my approach has to be the same. If I want to get what I need to get from that experience. If I want to keep my heart rate down. Have peace and quiet.

"Life is about stamping out fires and trying to have a good time in between."

"Is that what you subscribe to?"

"Yes."

"Perfect."