Q:   M
          

          It's my boyfriend. He promised me that he would work harder at loving me. He told me that love has to first start with him caring about me. He said he needed to 'care'. That is what he is having difficulty with. 

We've lived together for close to 4 years now, which has allowed me to lose some of my patience. 

Should I try and end things with him? or do you think he has the capabilities to care about me--which he can finally turn into physical love?

Regina the Optimist (not my real name)





A:  RTO

           I know this is not your real name because if it was your boyfriend's name would be Ivan the Terrible. 

Actually your boyfriend is highly self actualized. He has architected a relationship that I'm sure has provided him with a beautiful insulation of comfort. He has carefully fashioned you into a nice pair of sheepskin sleepers that he can walk through any possible uncomfortable experience. There is a parking ticket on his windshield; he drops his feet into you and the negative experience is teleported into what I assume is showing up as your bodies aches and inevitable pains. 

But I have missed your question. Does he have the capability to care for you? Yes his house is filled up to the brick chimney with 'care' just like any other 'being' born in this world. Is this care for you?


 No. 

This is how the relationship is designed at this juncture. If you continue to be attracted to it, it will have to come after you've both travel at high speeds the hell away from each other.

 It will have to come after significant experiences and relationships that you've had with other people, and then the attraction could just--at the minimum, exist to talk about how bad or how good these experiences are.


no luck needed.



M



send all your love lost inquires to: puncturedventricles@gmail.com

Anthony likes to relax on the train.

"I saw an ad for home cleaning service that was 29 dollars for 2 hours."

"OK."

"29!"

"Introductory?"

"Yes. I'm sure they will go up to 100 dollars after awhile. But just think about the people who work for this company. There are not getting paid shit for this. This is imbecilic!"

"What is all this about?"

"I don't know. You know when I'm on the train I'm awake."

"What does that mean?"

"The biggest thing I notice is that there are three different type of women."

"Where is this going?"

"There are the women that remember, the women that don't care and the women that forget."

"An official tangent.This is an official tangent."

"Right."

"OK."

"The women that  remember are the ones that are considered attractive in the eyes of popular culture. In the eyes of street photography. They have done everything perfectly to be presentable and they are carrying this out with this perfect outfit."

"Outfit. You are using the word outfit."

"I did. I mean they have readied themselves for just this moment. Pintrest is calling their look. The problem is this woman is so prepared she has nothing else. She's done."

You've consolidated this moment?"

"Yes. There is the woman that doesn't care. She's so distracted with outward achievements; meeting friends for coffee. On her way to the book Renaissance fair...she just wants to cover her body."

"What?"

"I'm just putting this out there."

"What is the question."

"Then there is the women that forgets. This woman is perfect. She doesn't wear underwear blockers. If you can be patient...if you can give yourself a little effort..."

"Is that what you're doing on the train?"

"No. I'm just saying. She sits reading a book.with half her skirt up.She looks relaxed."


"OK."


"She's sexy, she's relaxed because she forgets."

it was slow at first then all at once.

"This is a hell."
"What?"
"Doesn't it feel like a hell?"
"What?"
"I mean it is this undulation. This back and forth. Some good stuff happens, some bad stuff happens. When the bad stuff happens it is incredibly ugly. Murderous. It is so ugly we have grown use to it. It has become normal."
"Right."
"It is a hell. The good stuff which can be beautiful, so beautiful, so wonderful if fully digested has only grown to temper the bad. It is not even beautiful anymore, but more of a brief respite from the hell."
"Wow."
"Yeah."

"I have to look for the truth in things. I have to look for the truth in things and work not to give a fuck about what happens after that. You understand?"

"Huh?"

"All of my anxiety comes when I sway off away from the truth of a situation. When I discover the truth in an experience I'm having and I get fucking entertained by a cauldron of voices."

"That sounds crazy."

"It is."

You're feeling bad because of what?

"Well I don't know."

"What?"

"What?"

"I didn't say anything."

"You know I think sex is either connection or degradation, anything else is a take it or leave it indifference."

"Can I please get my coffee first?"

"There is an idea, you know? This person allows you to continuously allows you to see something you like about yourself. You dig it. You are sexually attracted to them because of this continuing happy idea. You want to take their clothes off. Then there is the idea of control.."

"Does this have anything to do with me?"

"You want to dominate degrade this persons confidence. You have a continuing idea that sex is the way to do it. You are seeing success in it. The person meets up with you so that this can happen, but maybe not for the reasons you think."

"What?"

"They may show up because their whole life they felt like shit, most of the time, and you just help that feeling along with every time you push their head into the pillow."

"Can we leave specifics out of it."

"Both of these engines work."

"What about indifference?"

"You tell me."

Just because things aren't going good in the world doesn't mean things can't be going good for you.

"The present is my Goddamn bottle of Jim Beam."

"I'm not listening."

"I don't have time for heroin, prescription drugs or mania.The fucking present moment is my only coping mechanism for this ruinous world. I have to run back to that shit so my mind isn't completely absconded."

"I don't understand."

"You do."

"I'm still drinking."

"I know and I can relate."

"They have it as this 'A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful' at first they had it as an attachment. I like adventure."

"What are we discussing?"

"We never really discuss do we? I talk you listen."

"I do talk."

"Do you?"


"Yes."

"Right."

"What are you talking about now?"

"I'm talking about romance. Romance is long experiences. Long adventures together, and I am not referring to trips or lovely weekends. Romance is an adventure based on a detail or philosophy exemplified."

"What are you talking about? It's always going to have something to do with chocolates, music and heart shape pillows and shit."

"And shit."

"Yes, of course."

"Romance is a long experience with someone you love, right?"

"No it's heart shape pillows...."

"Those are nice moments of expressions."

"Romantic getaways.."

"No."

"Instagramy delights."

"No."

"What?"

"Why are you taking words off the shelf and using them based on what you read?"

"Are these words in a grocery store?"

"Yeah."

"OK."

"I've been having a problem with words."

"I know."

"A seamless idea that two people explore together; a long project that changes them positively on the inside is romance. learning to cook elaborately, moving to another country, city...a project that is an odyssey. An odyssey together."

"This is your definition of romance."

"I have took it off the shelf and cooked this word another way."

"It has made this afternoon---moment horrible for me."

"I think she used me to have a bad day."

"What?"

"I felt bad. I felt like shit, but the more I realized that others in the same situation didn't have any problems whatsoever with me. In the exact same situation things worked smoothly for the others. As the days went on they equated happiness about the whole experience."

"So."

"She used me to have a fucked up situation because she's use to having fucked up situations."

"Really?"

"Really. I was panicked as hell, and she was calm through it. She knew she was going to get what she wanted. Because she dug for it immediately, found it and held it like it was a blanket."

"How can you say that?"

"I don't make mistakes like this; I mean I make mistakes, but I am familiar with them. I know what color they are, I know their smell. This mistake I made was her mistake working through me."

"Crazy."

"Yeah, it is."

"They are always looking."

"What?"

"I feel they are always looking to feel safe, to feel comfort, to find peace..."

"Yeah."

"I feel I have run across people who are hitchhiking. They are constantly trying to get to a place."

"You're picking them up?"

"I'm picking them up. You're picking them up. It seems like they are not searching. It seems that they are happy with what you are offering, but they're not. They are confused and need to always start all over."

"You believe this?"

"I believe this. They may not get out, they may continue riding with you because of what their mother taught them, but they are done. All of their brain cells are focused on finding comfort in this life, finding some sort of respite that nobody else can give them. It's futile. In the meantime they will give you everything, sex, money, their body, but still look out the window. Still look down the road, hating you for giving in to them. hating you for pandering to their addiction."

"It's fun."

"Yes."

"You are agreeing that you do it?"

"I have, yes. I never said I was immune."

"Right."

"But I want to give them what they really want."

"Can you do this?"

"I can be nice."

"Can you?"

"I have to be nice to you by not being so nice."

"No I need you to comfort me.

"I want to give you yourself, which initially isn't so comforting. It will force you out of the car, but you will be back. You will be back."

"Of course."

"It is real comfort."

"I realized I only wanted a few things."

"Right."

"I thought I wanted a bunch of things."

"Nice to know, right?"

"Yes. But I had to have a bunch of things confiscated to realize that. Just taken away."

"Right."

"I see how it works, now."