the mentor
is rude








doesn't keep my fears in mind when decisions are made

The present is where all my mail comes.

the future is a cad



a rake



it doesn't exist
i can only use the past as a bulletin for it.
it is criminal the way it tries---- it tethers me along


reading scripts from the extinct

handcuffed when the forthwith needs and answer






my now is bailed out
it is free

You might come out and find out you are too bright to see.

I like to talk about these things.

*this and that

It makes thee uneasy
you open your window and yell out what you've already decided
you might come out



find out
you are too bright to see
it is out here the pain is presented surgically.



coming out of you

but the pellucid goes in---instantly

and still you're uneasy

you are too bright to see

I like to talk about these things




but you're uneasy.

Nicholas is on to something.

"...And that is when he said 'Why is that people riding on a bus look out at us? It is like these motherfucka's get on a bus--or anywhere they are in a situation where they have to wait--that's when they begin looking around, trying to use something or someone as a television.' And this is what killed me. He said 'Me standing on a motherfucking curb waiting on this big ass bus to stop blocking the crosswalk: that they are riding in! Becomes TV for their ass!' This is Anthony at his finest."

"He needs a Pulitzer."

"He has one room of his mind that has too much furniture in it."

"Doesn't he realize he is doing the same thing?"

"I think the beautiful thing is he is aware that he is doing it. But the truly most interesting thing about him is when he goes on one of these shouting paragraphs he is really talking to himself; he is complaining or recognizing his own behaviour. His tongue is wedged into his cheek."


Why point it out then? That is what puzzles me."


"It goes back to the first thing 'He's aware' and he wants to know where it leads."

"It's not that serious."

"It is."

"He's having more fun in the observation."

"He's having fun, but he is figuring things out at the same time. He sees that life is happening while you are on your way to Yoga class. He wants to know what is happening. He wants to know what is going on during all of this down time away from what you consider your life."

"He seems to comical for that."

"I don't know. I think he wants you to believe that to throw you off the scent of something much more metaphysical that you are not ready to digest."

"You think?"


"I don't know."

still

nails across the chalk
there is a commotion
and even a sharp whisper that pretends to lull me.











abide it asks



stay still' it demands








so much attention it gives to me
reckless and ugly

my edges fray



they do fray!











but i am still-- i counter.

there has been these moments were the pressure has been felt

i have tried to dragged the worry





and everything to crowd this transport of inspiration











it is so full





it is so packed with only what matters







I look for rooms here to put my comfort



my safety





and there is only certainty



there is only credence.

Slowie uses his head.

"On Tuesday evening after work I found myself in bed with someone."

"Ok."

"What?"

"I just said Ok."


"I didn't want to be alone."


"I didn't say anything."

"He was a gentleman."

"What constitutes that?"

"Oh with the questions now?"


"Sigh."

"What do you mean 'what constitutes it?'"

"How can you determine if a guy is a gentleman. And I mean you?"

"He could string a series of paragraphs together with out saying 'Um' plus he held my hair back while I was giving him head. "

"Please tell me it wasn't in the car."

"I'm not a trollop."

"I see."

"I truly believe that finding a good man is like a safari; you have to strap on your pith helmet and rumble across a desert absorbing the incredible uncomfortable ride--you know? After awhile, I believe it slowly becomes tolerable--or you begin to forget you're in the desert." She said sitting still for a moment. "You just stop thinking about it."


"I'm not sure a Chan Buddhist could have put it any better."

May 20, 2009


Boldly Growing into Your Own Fear of the Future




Though much human fear is based on uncertainty, foreknowledge does not always ease the mind. It is often when our futures look brightest that our resolve crumbles and we veer off course. We can recognize that success is on the horizon, but we cannot discern how it will impact our lives. Because success can affect us in complex and unpredictable ways, taking us out of the status quo and pushing us into new circumstances that test our limits, the mere idea of attaining the life of our dreams can shake us to the core.

Fear of the future is often closely intermingled with the fear that growing into your own potential will both change you irrevocably and force you to face situations that you aren’t ready for. It is normal to unconsciously project ahead into the future and see success as a great weight bearing down on you. It is important to remember, however, that all the life changes the future will bring will be implemented into your life slowly and gradually.


When we visualize the future, we tend to focus on outcomes rather than the steps we will take to reach those conclusions. Thus, we may forget that growth is progressive.

Your soul longs to fulfill its purpose—a purpose you agreed to in the timelessness in which you existed before your birth.

Because of this, neither you nor the universe will set any circumstance before you that you are not capable of handling. Fear of the future can paralyze you, preventing you from living in the moment and from working toward your goals in a mindful manner. The key to conquering this fear lies in awareness. When you can identify the irrational thoughts that frighten you, you can replace them with logical, self-affirming ideas. If you are afraid that you won’t be satisfied when you accomplish a certain goal, remember that no one achievement represents an end in and of itself. And if you fear recognition or feel unworthy, consider that even now you are deserving of praise. Should fear of the future strike you as you strive to create, to excel, to grow, and to evolve, assert your courage. Assume that your fear is based on a false assumption and quell it with facts. Try to disregard past patterns and focus on the present by stilling the inner voice that comments critically on all you do. Tell yourself that the inevitability of your success is based not on luck or a universal mistake but on your already established talents, drive, imagination, and inner strength. Each time you overcome your fear of the future, you chip away at its very foundations. Eventually, you will clear a gap through which you can gaze upon the future with unhindered optimism.

it will increase its sound.

infallibility


is a expanding sound





like Bang's theory







right through your sufficiency

Anthony can't read

"Have you ever been reading an article and the shit just gets out in front of you? A few pages in you are completely blank."



"I can't say."



"I mean I am reading about this man who has apotemnophilia. Do you understand that?"



"I can't say I...."



"He has a compulsion to have a perfectly good limb amputated. This is what this means. He stares down at one of his legs and says to himself 'I need to cut this motherfucka' off' Can you comprehend that?"



"I don't think I have had an opportunity so far."



"Do you see how an article like that can draw you in?



"I add new words to my vernacular through comic books."



"So I'm reading about this neurologist; this dude or gentleman



"Yes of course gentleman."



"Well this dude is trying to understand the inner workings of this problem and many others, right? But check this out; after a few pages I'm blank. I'm completely fucking blank. I'm day dreaming or lost or whatever."



"What?"



"I'm reading this article, almost enthralled and then I am completely..."



"Fucking."



"Blank. All of a sudden after about two pages I am not able to retain shit. I had to go all the way back to the first paragraph and start all over."



"So what. I do that while I'm driving. What's your point?"



"I don't have a point." He said surprisingly quick. "That's what I'm saying."



"Huh?"



"Well now I would like to add you. I think we got some neurological problems. Is it the Internet? the TV? We are losing our ability to concentrate."



"What?"



"Huh?"

you will shun me

















you will



























and you will disable me









and deny









you have to








and it is ok

Bonfire of The Eternals

for the moment you were passing time


you couldn't help it



i don't believe you knew it.
you thought you could sit with me for awhile out in the chill


minus my arms around you and words as apparitions that could fanatically suspend you





your mind was racing,





you had other ideas all along




i don't believe you knew it
but still you discovered you wanted to come undone.



you wanted to let go








so you sat there



because it lit the unknown and warmed you differently





and you knew it was truth







but this was all in the meanwhile.






passing time.


until you would again take the fleece, and wrap it tight against your body and disappear into it.










all to avoid your inner warmth.







your eternal bonfire.

Nicholas blows smoke

"I don't like sun glasses."



"Is it that metal part on aviators that becomes discolored after..."



"None of them."



"Well I freckle around my eye lids if..."



"Fuck that. Man it's what's wrong with this city."



"Well I have this thing with umbrellas. I told you right? It's just......"



"Listen, dog. You can't see this person's eyes, right?" He said blowing a puff of smoke into the the air.



"Well it's to have a certain coolness, right? I got a pair of..."



"The shit is crazy. It's like this hiding, this 'I don't want to mistakenly brush up against a motherfucka with my eyes, and have to suddenly participate in this human thing', you know? Sun glasses reinforces this detachment is what I'm trying to say." He studied the tip of his cigar for a moment.

"It's just looking cool."

"It's more than that."

"You really believe that?"

"Ok in Miami it is for a persona. Maybe in most cases the person is not taking themselves serious as they don them. But here? Here in the business square it is to hide; it is to storm past people. It is to evacuate from your senses."

"Maybe. But what does smoking a $15 dollar cigar say?"



"What?"



"You went on with the clerk hoping that the ash would be as white as your shirt. You went on about that, down the sidewalk, and now you puff and continue to stare at it."



"This? This is a persona."

"Yeah."

we it

i cannot


stand in a six thousand dollar suit
and have someone tell me I am the shit







it is the same
if


i




have someone tell me they love me

rest their head in my chest and eat their lunch.









love is who i am



i cannot stand in the mirror and admire it.





i can't witness it.






i can't see it





i have to only see it in action





i can only give it



b
e

it

then i will see

the road

leaving the shade
the overhanging


the canopy







the circus








out on the road



out in the night





love gets in







no meandering
no roadside discussion

it has come along not to distract you into a trench


not to grab you from the periphery









only to hum along with you









only to guide the way.

fairy tale

money

under my pillow doesn't mean anything to me anymore
i don't know
the fairy hopes the canopy holds something for me
but there is this thing

this little thing

this calm beautiful thing in my mind.








it powers my own sun

no need for renumeration

stay Ambidextrous.

the things we talk about are nothing

our real selves are fiercely advanced into our actions



it is before thoughts collect.

before disruption.

before the hubris



the things we talk about are pageantry


our words are produced into sculptures

our real selves are fighting to free.

Anthony is about the children.

"Like a condom Nascar."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm sorry, more like a pit crew. I say 'listen, beautiful, this is really going well, we are both excited here but I need to head to my pit crew so we can transition into the rest of this evening'. I then proceed out into the hall..."

"Quickly."

"Yes quickly. People are there strapping the condom on, checking it all in etc., there are clipboards visible. In less than 5 seconds I'm back in there."

"All for the 'at risk' relationships."


"Dig."

"So allow me."

"By your leave."

"So instead of not sleeping with women who you are excruciatingly incompatible with, and since you find yourself devastatingly attracted to them physically--mind you there are no other connections for you, you are going to work closer on just the precautions. You are going to land your Plymouth Rock on the precautions."

"You might have earned a certificate getting that so divinely correct."

"Sheepskin could be the word of the day."

"I also think about the children. There is no way a child should be born into this flawed searing appetite of mine. I will have to find someone specifically for that procedure. I would have to find the best domestic atmosphere for all of that."

"So you are waiting for the right woman to say the infamous 'i did'"

"Yes. Than I will divorce her and head back to the pit crew."

"And oiling yourself up in the middle of the night.

"Dig."

"Ah a humanitarian."

the beautiful ones

i'm living on inspirations
their actions are a glow in a down pour












i wait for them.