hello.

hello

everything is about you

at this moment

you have all of my attention

you are what I need

I have created this moment, this time

everything in it, every atom aligned

all for you

hi

i have created this time for you a thousand years brings us to this moment

and i have created it just to listen to you.

I have serrated the Gruyère

i have offered you tea and i don't care about our preconceived notions, anger,confusion

hello.

this is your moment, yes you have my attention

and don't care about what i don't understand

Nicholas is distracted.

"She is this cat."

"Ok."

"You know?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"A feline. She's this cat that puts her head under your hand as your sitting next to her. She wants to be petted, she wants to be hugged and held close. You just can't do it enough. But this cat stares at you as your doing it. She stares at you, unaffected, you know? You pull your hand away and she is searching for it again with her head. But she doesn't know why? And again she can't express why she needs it. She can't articulate what it does to her. She doesn't know how it does it, but she feels good with it--maybe. Maybe she does. She's really not sure and that is what can bother you."

"Ok."

"Do you see what I mean?"

"No."

"You do."

"Ok. She wants the closeness and she doesn't know why."

"Right."

"Where do you come in?"

"I don't know. I mean I just keep reaching my hand out, curious, lost and amazed at the moments as if it was a very interesting interacting art piece at the museum. You keep trying to leave, even as the performance is doing the exact same thing for hours--hours, days, years. You keep looking as if you are waiting for it to do something else. You know if you leave you would have missed it, but it keeps doing the same thing over and over. Other people are satisfied with this."

"You're distracted?"

"No."

"Ok."

"Maybe I am. But agitated, confused and yes--distracted. I think I would walk up to that piece in the museum. I think I would eventually walk up and disturb it. I would nudge it. I would knock it on the floor."

"Ok."

"I would break free from it."

you're ok

3 am

It's waking you up at night

you're feeling displaced

even though you are completely surrounded

you feel alone

but if you look further into the quietness---into what is stirring you, you will see yourself.

You will feel relief.

It is in that space that we have decided to go.

We've traded in our sadness for the calm.

It is what calls for your attention where we have built are temporary home

right--there in the unknown where we skip rocks

and listen.

where we stay present and we wait

we breathe evenly

it's 3am and what wakes you up is your peace

just behind your fear

your uneasiness

it wakes you up.

Anthony says this.

"As our relationship began one night she sat down across from me, pulled me in close and told me to promise that I would mentally abuse her. She said 'promise me'. She wanted this relationship to be exactly like the last four she had--that she could remember, before things went inevitable wrong. She wanted me to say things that I didn't mean if I had to--anything to keep it going because she was attracted to me."

"Who says some shit like that?"

"She does."

"I don't believe you."

"It's true, though. She wanted the relationship to be full of familiarity. She had grown use to this type of complacency in her past and found it like a soft pillow or Quaalude's. She didn't want any of reality's light to get in. None."

"Are you serious?"

"I am."

"Who says this?"

"This woman."

"So what's goin' on?"

"We started off on a good note. I would sleep with other women and not let on, but I would go over her house and tell her what a terrible cook she was. The eggs tasted like shit and so on... we would later have arguments and I could sense light in her eyes with them, I can sense her excitement. I would go on to tell her that she didn't have the brain capacity of her sister, and even her legs were 8 times sexier."

"You are pulling an anchor chain here. By I'm curious, how is the rest of the evening spent?"

"With her crying and me pretending to care. That--it turns out is her favorite insult. Takes her back to high school."

"Has this started to sound stupid as hell to you?"

"Not yet, but it did twist into something. It was something about my approach, maybe I didn't quite get into it, maybe I revealed something beautiful next to the disdain. It was as if she could feel a calmer stream beneath my vulgarity."

"What?"

"Eventually there was something about us both knowing that it was a game that propelled us along. But now it's like we're acting or even dreaming, and we began experiencing something a little surreal, even beautiful. I can't explain.You have to remember this is the first time she asked for this upfront."

"And someone as unintelligent as you was willing to try."

"I just thought it was different. I wanted to see where it would go."

"You're insane."

"Yeah."

"Where is it now?"

"I'm not sure at this point, we're running out of ugliness, pretty soon only beauty will be remaining."

Lanvin likes it big.

"I'm not into littleness."

"Try not to believe what Slowie says about me. I was in the pool."

"I look as myself as big. I see myself as only wanting to relate with larger things that effect us as humans."

"I'm sorry?"

"You can understand that right?"

"I'm not sure."

"I just follow my aversions and my attractions that's all."

"I'm currently following confusion."

"I found that bigger states of being are discovered when we start looking at what we have aversions to and what we have attractions to. What I have an aversion to is true, it is truly an aversion that guides me, you know? And what I have attractions to are true. These two things are the only thing in life that matter."

"And steak frites."

"Listen."

"I am."

"You're not."

"You've said that life is made up of a do and a don't."

"Yes."

"See?"

"But it's not that simple."

"Is anything with you?"

"The things we have an aversion to puts us in the minority, just like an attraction."

"That puts you with me."

"Do you always have to speak when silence presents itself?"

"Yes."

"The things we have aversions to, our friends and family will not understand. The things we have attractions to people will wonder why. But if we focus down on it are life gets easier."

"You say this as if this is all connected to something very serious. Or if they are equal."

"They are, exactly equal. What you are against is equal to what you are attracted to, when it comes to setting a direction for your path; they are only there to get your attention, not draw you to their distractive places. They are there to get your attention."

"OK. You have it."

"They need you to get to only one large issue that is not associated with what shirt you are going to wear today."

"I'm glad you are finally noticing. It's fitted."

"It's little."

The drawback

I'm over qualified for this world

everything in it is plugged into the same socket and now--all of a sudden,

I'm

on

some other shit.

It is a dry land, it is the middle way that continues its task of preparing me for the absolute amazing.

In the mean time every goal I have--all my place settings, have been circumvented and has broken away like debris in the wind

twirling around, flying all around me in milky tatters; pouring out of people's mouths and sounding like a language I just can't make out anymore.

I don't understand

it's unsettling

it's the drawback of the Ocean before that huge wave hits and fully engulfs me.

I stand there glued to the horizon.

actuality will get me

it is the beginning of the beginning.

Slowie is looking for someone nice.

"I'm a submitter."

"OK."

"I have lately been finding myself dropping deep."

"I won't say it surprises me. I don't start lying till 10."

"My point is I like to lie my way into some situations only to get myself taken advantage of."

"OK."

"I don't want to think. I don't need some guy trying to over analyze me. I don't want to be found out."

"Found out?"

"I know what I want. I don't need the cruel lights of reality blocking my orgasm."

"Why not find someone who specializes in what it is you want, to save yourself the trouble of breaking someone's heart."

"No. I want someone nice in the mean time."

"I see why it's called 'mean' time."

"I want someone nice. I want someone who could possibly stumble onto an equal need in themselves--but that is not required."

"Of course."

"It is the awkwardness that increases my satiation. I enjoy that in the interim."

"OK."

"I want someone nice. I know that now."

"OK. How do you lie your way into situations like this?"

"Like anyone I pretend to be interested in figurative drawing and Gang Starr."

"Knowingly?"

"Not knowingly. Well I don't know now. The known is now the known."

"What is it that you are looking for?"

"I'm looking to feel good."

"OK."

"But I'm also looking for someone nice."

Nicholas is an expert.

"I don't understand."

"OK, but it seems like the ultimate problem to have."

"She has given me everything."

"OK."

"Why can't you see how dangerous this is? Why can't you see how this--in the end, will make her less attractive, will make this not work. Who wants a woman who have given up the mystery."

"A woman has submitted to you. She's attractive. It could only mean you take advantage of it. I can't wrap my mind around any other actions."

"You can't?"

"I can't."

"I know you can't. I also know you can't tie your shoes without your index finger. I on the other hand can't help but wonder why a woman completely gives over her power. How can a woman who sits strongly in a normal life of children work and Volvo's, sign off for release of the sexual, physical and mental? This only happens for a night with some of the woman you frequent."

"Making me an expert."

"This doesn't happen in my world."

"What world is that Frodo?"

"A world that I felt I graduated from. I'm not a sexual craving adolescent with a penchant for looking up skirts at the mall."

"Don't worry I'm not offended."

"I'm not seeking this, and a woman just hands me every key on the ring. I don't give a fuck what you are going to churn out of your mouth, the shit frustrates me."

"Then you must be responsible for some of it."

"Huh?"

"What?"

"I said huh. What do you mean?"

"Just because you're not sitting in the Champaign room with me and instead the public library on 5th. It doesn't mean you can't draw pole dancing out of Zora Neale Hurston."

"Like I'm asking for this."

"You got to be."

"I'm not."

"I don't know."

"I know.

"But you called something up on the phone and decided against your bodies appetite. Do you have her number?"

"I don't know. What the shit could I be asking for? All I know is I personally did this in many painstaking ways with women in the past and hated that behavior in myself. I didn't dig it."

"You did it?"

"I did this, yes. I'm an expert."

"OK."

"What?"

we do not want

anything that we value to come

out of our

relationships

-acim(viaPhilip Urso)