I don't know what my own best interests are in one situation after another.

Anthony is a dictionary version.

"I haven't committed to a Goddamn thing!"

"What?"

"I just didn't have a clue about walking out the door and going to work or meeting people."

"What are we talking about?"

"You know what we are talking about? Don't you?"

"No."

"I won't start living until I committed to something."

"Relationship?"

"Relationship? I can't even get close to another person until I figure this out first. I don't know what commitment is. I have to go with a feeling. I don't have fucking clue. Nobody does, but they quickly come up with an answer. It is defintley not Merriam's definition--- an obligation, promise, etc that restricts one's freedom of choice. A commitment is showing up. for your job, relationship...hobby...."

"What is the difference? Your committed to doing these things."

"You have me committed like a patient. Or you have me obligated, right? Trapped into finishing a statement I either made in a church or a coffee house."

"You love it."

"I don't understand that either."

"Of course."

"Yes."

"What are you saying?"

"I have to be committed. It has to belong to me."

"It does."

"It doesn't. My dictionary commitments are all over the place. I don't know what it is"

"You've said that."

"Do you understand what this means?"

"You've been lying?"

"I need to commit to myself. And I would actually become visible. "

"What?"

"I do this and it is like I just materialize. I come into perceptible existance...."

"What?"

"This is what the dictionary says. If I really commit to something that I'm truly attracted to....instead of half ass-ing the shit out of it--..."

"I don't do that."

"You do that."

"Of course."

"If I committ...."

"Say that one more time."

"If I committ no matter what abuse I take, from you or anyone else than I finally become visible...."

"Present--existing or occurring at this time of now."

"Right."