The problem with having a relationship is in the idea of inclusivity; once it is inclusive that is when all the problems begin. You are aware of this I am absolutley positive, whether unconciously or conciously a crumbeling begins on the celing above us once we close ourselves into a room with our person or thing; we huddle close to it and make it our everything and the world begins to attack our ass for lack of concentration.
Nothing in the worlds room is what it seems. Ever since I started to seriously study this macabre atmosphere I started to unconciously feel like I was in some multi billion square foot fun house. Floors letting below me and then quickly returning to keep me engaged. Mirrors that distort my shape and keep me staring at myself.
and then relationships with the same formula and less than happy results. You meet someone you laugh with them, they seem cool, the sex works, everybody is on there best behaviour. So you get involved with them or even get married and then all your roads lead to them; you are standing under an umbrella in a monsoon asking them how there day was.
Relationships are not residing places or destinations they are opportunities to see yourself better regardless of what we call negative or positive experience. Once those experiences are properly digested we continue. Moving on, keeping those who have more to show us and growing from those who don't.
No time to covet or anchor down with someone, because the shit storm is waiting to catch you sleeping on the job.
KIM keep it moving.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Hey you
I came across something after talking to you yesterday. When I said "Sex is no longer needed." I struggled to define what those words meant(the statement comes from a place I don't know and I have to sit and concentrate to piece it together) so I have and decided:
There are two reasons to have sex in my opinion. One is to experience an idea you have in a phyiscal form; you feel so so very close to someone so you need to transformed this phyiscally-- you believe, for it to be real. The second is just based on images; the bodies make up, the walk, clothing, status, national orgin etc.
When you and I had sex in the very beginning it was saturated with a mix of the two(our own marriages of course set this tone), as time went on between us we were successful at gaining closeness in philosophical ways; in turn we would evolve immensely. Sex then isn't a expression of closeness, because we have mastered it into mentality, a form that even if we were on separate planets we would still get this relationships importance.
If we choose to have sex now it then becomes where it first started; something based on what you are wearing that night/day for example a lovely summer dress with draw strings, tight zcavarrici jeans, thigh h...Ahem. In that case it happens just based on how attracted I am to you physically. Sounds strange huh?
What I discover through this process is that you have stolen back love from sex(wasn't really there anyway) and put it in its place--the mind, and sex just becomes a more of an enhancement of expression; a simple appetizer, an extension of an idea that is either taken or left on the tray.
That idea can only be love or the many definitions of fear.
MER
I came across something after talking to you yesterday. When I said "Sex is no longer needed." I struggled to define what those words meant(the statement comes from a place I don't know and I have to sit and concentrate to piece it together) so I have and decided:
There are two reasons to have sex in my opinion. One is to experience an idea you have in a phyiscal form; you feel so so very close to someone so you need to transformed this phyiscally-- you believe, for it to be real. The second is just based on images; the bodies make up, the walk, clothing, status, national orgin etc.
When you and I had sex in the very beginning it was saturated with a mix of the two(our own marriages of course set this tone), as time went on between us we were successful at gaining closeness in philosophical ways; in turn we would evolve immensely. Sex then isn't a expression of closeness, because we have mastered it into mentality, a form that even if we were on separate planets we would still get this relationships importance.
If we choose to have sex now it then becomes where it first started; something based on what you are wearing that night/day for example a lovely summer dress with draw strings, tight zcavarrici jeans, thigh h...Ahem. In that case it happens just based on how attracted I am to you physically. Sounds strange huh?
What I discover through this process is that you have stolen back love from sex(wasn't really there anyway) and put it in its place--the mind, and sex just becomes a more of an enhancement of expression; a simple appetizer, an extension of an idea that is either taken or left on the tray.
That idea can only be love or the many definitions of fear.
MER
Friday, December 01, 2006
ME
just watching him
his fuckin' pacing; his anticipation and expeditious words.
She is an astounding artist. This I recognize.
an unconscious approach
I helped unearth
but she enmeshed him with this wonderful ability.
the stupid one
and her fuckin' sensitive grain.
has him spouting inane forecasts as he lays aside all our discretion and then empties our cool
the deficient one gets in my way.
his fuckin' pacing; his anticipation and expeditious words.
She is an astounding artist. This I recognize.
an unconscious approach
I helped unearth
but she enmeshed him with this wonderful ability.
the stupid one
and her fuckin' sensitive grain.
has him spouting inane forecasts as he lays aside all our discretion and then empties our cool
the deficient one gets in my way.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I once dated a woman not realizing what it was that surrendered my attention. She wasn't exactly witty, clever or kind for that matter.
Months turned into more months and I continued to stand at her door with wilted flowers and such. Then I would find myself sitting on her couch, standing in her kitchen and prone in her bed. Ah...it felt strange to journey through intimacy when you clearly have no idea what draws you into a person. but through my continued and often times annyoing behavior to know, it would slowly dawned on me as I sat there once again on her floral covered sofa.
It was her ass, it was her legs that kept me fixated. Um...yes it was.
This discovery would come a year (or more) in between other relationships that I had .
I would still keep coming back to her, in the interim like an unsolved murder with more fibers to present. But now I would stand up(might have been after sex) and explained my findings to her with great enthusiasm.
She would never talk to me again, but just like finding the purpose of space's dark matter I was fulfilled.
I had not only discovered something about being a man, I had found accountability for the future, because if I know going into a relationship that it is based on physical attributes I either stick to that summation and decide if that is going to be enough for me or I seek out more weight in relationships, regardless I will seek out substance and not kid myself when some woman with an ass you can stack cd's on begins talking to me at a bustop.
Months turned into more months and I continued to stand at her door with wilted flowers and such. Then I would find myself sitting on her couch, standing in her kitchen and prone in her bed. Ah...it felt strange to journey through intimacy when you clearly have no idea what draws you into a person. but through my continued and often times annyoing behavior to know, it would slowly dawned on me as I sat there once again on her floral covered sofa.
It was her ass, it was her legs that kept me fixated. Um...yes it was.
This discovery would come a year (or more) in between other relationships that I had .
I would still keep coming back to her, in the interim like an unsolved murder with more fibers to present. But now I would stand up(might have been after sex) and explained my findings to her with great enthusiasm.
She would never talk to me again, but just like finding the purpose of space's dark matter I was fulfilled.
I had not only discovered something about being a man, I had found accountability for the future, because if I know going into a relationship that it is based on physical attributes I either stick to that summation and decide if that is going to be enough for me or I seek out more weight in relationships, regardless I will seek out substance and not kid myself when some woman with an ass you can stack cd's on begins talking to me at a bustop.
Friday, September 29, 2006
I was thinking that the only reason her answer was wrong is because I had already made up my decision. How else can I ask someone their opinion and then be perplexed when they give me something I don't like.(exact opposite of what I'm thinking) Sounds like I just typed a whole lot of confusion, but damn this makes sense to me now.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I hang out with this early man on occasion called John McCuddy. I love verbally sparring and can’t get enough of the open looks Cud’s depressing, dire, and cynical state of our current society gives me. We do laugh a lot so it’s not like it’s raining every time I see him, just cloudy with peaks of sunshine.
Tuesday I came across him as he sat leaning forward on a park bench entertaining a pigeon. He dropped the last remaining crumbs of popcorn and then quickly began rolling quarters over his fingers. He started in as soon as my ass could feel the metal slats.
“It just don’t make any sense that people are walking around with these cell phones bolted to their heads. Who the hell are they talking to? Does it make any sense that you are calling people you are on your way to see?” He began flipping the quarter with his thumb and then slowly put it in his lapel pocket. “What purpose does it serve?”
“It’s efficient, Cud. You can tell people where to meet you if things change, bus is late. You can tell your wife to fucking start thawing the pot roast you on your way." I said studying his graying hair before sliding down on the bench. "Cud that language is played out when it comes to downing the technology advancements we've made as a society. Next you’re going to say we didn’t have this in...fill in decade. ”
“It’s just corporational distraction to load their goddamn pocket books and keep you from thinking on your own. What happens when we are left alone with ourselves; able to settle down, you know?” He said studying the ground.
“Ah Cud…”
“Think about it. If we are left alone more we find more magic; we rearrange our priorities and do more of what we love, but now we are either buying their crap or your working for these companies pushing their crap.”
“It’s all been said, Cud.”
“Don’t you see it’s a damn distraction to keep us from our purpose.
“It’s just a cell phone.
Tuesday I came across him as he sat leaning forward on a park bench entertaining a pigeon. He dropped the last remaining crumbs of popcorn and then quickly began rolling quarters over his fingers. He started in as soon as my ass could feel the metal slats.
“It just don’t make any sense that people are walking around with these cell phones bolted to their heads. Who the hell are they talking to? Does it make any sense that you are calling people you are on your way to see?” He began flipping the quarter with his thumb and then slowly put it in his lapel pocket. “What purpose does it serve?”
“It’s efficient, Cud. You can tell people where to meet you if things change, bus is late. You can tell your wife to fucking start thawing the pot roast you on your way." I said studying his graying hair before sliding down on the bench. "Cud that language is played out when it comes to downing the technology advancements we've made as a society. Next you’re going to say we didn’t have this in...fill in decade. ”
“It’s just corporational distraction to load their goddamn pocket books and keep you from thinking on your own. What happens when we are left alone with ourselves; able to settle down, you know?” He said studying the ground.
“Ah Cud…”
“Think about it. If we are left alone more we find more magic; we rearrange our priorities and do more of what we love, but now we are either buying their crap or your working for these companies pushing their crap.”
“It’s all been said, Cud.”
“Don’t you see it’s a damn distraction to keep us from our purpose.
“It’s just a cell phone.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
She was supposedly sexually harassed. I didn’t know her name, because it was her very first day, but as long as I’ve been working here I’ve never seen someone harassed at this speed. I’m mean, I even wait a month to a year at testing the degree at which I can be rude. But here this woman being shown where the coffee pots is; how to use the microwave, the inner components of the filtered water, finds herself being exposed to the office most unusual employee. Here he pulls an apple from the refrigerator walks up to her and says “Those are the biggest breasts I’ve ever seen.” Silence rung out like a church bell. “I was raised on a farm in a small town in Pennsylvania. My family and I Went on to other agricultural products after being crowded out, and then we wound up watching it go the way of the dust bowl.” He continued.
Because we were clearly not expecting something like this on a Monday morning, I who was standing at the vending machine joined in with the others and found ourselves standing like chess pieces. He sighed and seem to reflect fondly of a by gone era, by a small grin and the rubbing of his head.
“I think that was very inappropriate.” The manager says as the victim turned away and headed near the door.
“I don’t mean it in a sexually harassing way. I just couldn’t help but reminded of my days on the farm as kid. All this processed milk nowadays. I’ve seen it a few times…”
“But you just insulted this woman on her very first day. She hasn’t even taken her coat off.” I added. Staring at them now and discovering that he was not clearly off the mark.
“What ever happen to the power of observation?”
Because we were clearly not expecting something like this on a Monday morning, I who was standing at the vending machine joined in with the others and found ourselves standing like chess pieces. He sighed and seem to reflect fondly of a by gone era, by a small grin and the rubbing of his head.
“I think that was very inappropriate.” The manager says as the victim turned away and headed near the door.
“I don’t mean it in a sexually harassing way. I just couldn’t help but reminded of my days on the farm as kid. All this processed milk nowadays. I’ve seen it a few times…”
“But you just insulted this woman on her very first day. She hasn’t even taken her coat off.” I added. Staring at them now and discovering that he was not clearly off the mark.
“What ever happen to the power of observation?”
Friday, September 22, 2006
Act one
There is this woman I work(Madeline) with who is the star of a very engaging play. I hurry to work to listen to it unfold, from the manager,people in the lunch room, friends and of course her.
The actors are played by her boyfriend(Sample) also the father of her daughter, her older and ailing parents, brother(Ira) and (Marble) sister-in-law.
The very first act I came in on(what truly made me believe that this would be epic and number 1 in her canon) was eleven months before the birth of her daughter. She had just moved out of her parents home and into her first apartment. She was 26 and it appeared had not lost the fevor of constant hours of sex, its repercussions, poorly made drinking decisions and not paying rent for that matter.
Ah
the stories that it brought to the stage. The first month was began with sex with a friend/acquaintance/friend after a all night party that ended with a police chase and the getting rid of very pricey and quite good weed. What hurt more was that it was a complete misunderstanding and our heroine could happily continue with would be considered a raucous tale of drinks,finding a new dealer,drunks and a disatourious train ride into work( she fell asleep on the train into work and woke up minus her purse).
Throughout the week there would be more of the same. Dick checks in cars and resident complaints of zoo sounding sex from her place. Surprisingly she would show up for work. Of course she needed few hours to find her rhythm,stapler and desk. But she would contribute well. Delving out information on her weekend adventure slowly. Giving different version to different ears. Those who could handle clean all the way down to the salacious, for people like myself who stood with popcorn and twizzlers.
As the month moved on and the next one began it had come to her attention that she had paid her rent last month. She would arrive at the conclusion that there will be no more of that.
The actors are played by her boyfriend(Sample) also the father of her daughter, her older and ailing parents, brother(Ira) and (Marble) sister-in-law.
The very first act I came in on(what truly made me believe that this would be epic and number 1 in her canon) was eleven months before the birth of her daughter. She had just moved out of her parents home and into her first apartment. She was 26 and it appeared had not lost the fevor of constant hours of sex, its repercussions, poorly made drinking decisions and not paying rent for that matter.
Ah
the stories that it brought to the stage. The first month was began with sex with a friend/acquaintance/friend after a all night party that ended with a police chase and the getting rid of very pricey and quite good weed. What hurt more was that it was a complete misunderstanding and our heroine could happily continue with would be considered a raucous tale of drinks,finding a new dealer,drunks and a disatourious train ride into work( she fell asleep on the train into work and woke up minus her purse).
Throughout the week there would be more of the same. Dick checks in cars and resident complaints of zoo sounding sex from her place. Surprisingly she would show up for work. Of course she needed few hours to find her rhythm,stapler and desk. But she would contribute well. Delving out information on her weekend adventure slowly. Giving different version to different ears. Those who could handle clean all the way down to the salacious, for people like myself who stood with popcorn and twizzlers.
As the month moved on and the next one began it had come to her attention that she had paid her rent last month. She would arrive at the conclusion that there will be no more of that.
Her landlord fresh with complaints about the noise from her apartment decided on her side. money wouldn't be a good exchange anymore maybe if he could just change his status and do more than just fix some of her applainces.
Before any negotiations could begin, both of them must have remembered that not only did he have a girlfriend but she also lived down in the apartment with him(she was very abrasive and also a brown belt in Tao kwon Do. I could not understand how this was constantly over looked). This would take a revised plan.
ok at this point we finally reach the pinnacle, of this act. One evening or afternoon, as this story is disjointingly told our protagonist is engaged in her usual mutual oral exploration(stolen from defunct moonlighting) and a massive malleate (hopefully I am using this word correctly)started in on the door. The sound was accompanied by "I know your in there(s) " and continued with even more intense pounding.
The friend/acquaintance became a little nervous. Our heroine tried to calm him down by forcing him into the bathroom and through a nailed (bricked over) window(they had to stop) while she headed to the now mangled, held on by a 70 year old frame door. There stood an ex friend--but more than friend, from Miami ready to claim her back(Sample) No fisticuffs were thrown as somehow he was twarted by seeing her sweaty and naked.
The Landlords owner would come up with a better plan and realize they could make more money as a condo.
She would leave
She would become pregnant move home to her parents where her brother and sister-in law also reside and chalk up her little foray as a slight hiccup as we await Act II
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
excerpt
“You’ve been divorced well over a year, you can at least go out with someone.?”
“I’ve done that—you know that. I have just been in some bizzaro world of dating.” Choosing women due to their strong sexual output, and then unconsciously—with stupidity, trying to shape it into a relationship.”
“I’ve been thinking about things like that…” David said as a few people walked in-between them. “I consider those preferences that will lead you into the right direction.”
“Preferences, for what?”
“Preferences for large, breasts or a mini skirt! That’s what captures you initially, right?” He said as Bill shook his head.
“Well, that’s some of the things I find myself looking to talk to, but it doesn’t mean I won’t open myself up to different situations. It just a period I’m in.”
“My thing is this, Bill. I believe your preferences are not necessarily a faze or a period, but a part of who you are.” Lines swam ashore on Bill’s forehead, as his eyebrows almost connect under perplex ion.
“What are you saying? That I’m supposed to be attracted to the shallowness…if that’s the case then I want to hear more!” he said laughing.
“I’m saying—least this is what I believe, that if you have a preference for someone on shallow—a lack of a better word—levels you have an obligation to embrace it.”
“Embrace what?” Bill said now joining him against the wall.
“Well that situation.” He said looking at him intently. “ It doesn’t mean have sex with this person, you should respect what about them physically caught your eye, their ethnicity, legs, face…”
“Ass.” Bill whispered, and laughed.
“Well…yea.” He said shaking his head. You have to see what level these things can take you too, or maybe it’s not supposed to. You just have to decide what you’re looking for at the moment, and that’s when life becomes interesting.”
“OK so what you’re saying, David is. I see a woman based on my specs…”
“Physical specifications.”
“Yes physical…”
“Now remember this only in certain situations If you are sitting somewhere and a woman approaches you it could be the other way around, and you have to use things such as similar hobbies or personal philosophies to determine if you need to make a connection…”
“What you don’t do this if I’m attracted to someone physically?”
“Of course you do, it just becomes the second thing you do after the door opens. If someone chooses you that person might not be on your physical preference list, but their intellect, philosophy on life, hobby is still is, and this would be the only way your path could get you to together.”
“This sounds way to difficult.” Bill said smirking at him. “To much homework.”
“What makes it easy, is knowing who you are.”
“David your strange.
2
“I’ve done that—you know that. I have just been in some bizzaro world of dating.” Choosing women due to their strong sexual output, and then unconsciously—with stupidity, trying to shape it into a relationship.”
“I’ve been thinking about things like that…” David said as a few people walked in-between them. “I consider those preferences that will lead you into the right direction.”
“Preferences, for what?”
“Preferences for large, breasts or a mini skirt! That’s what captures you initially, right?” He said as Bill shook his head.
“Well, that’s some of the things I find myself looking to talk to, but it doesn’t mean I won’t open myself up to different situations. It just a period I’m in.”
“My thing is this, Bill. I believe your preferences are not necessarily a faze or a period, but a part of who you are.” Lines swam ashore on Bill’s forehead, as his eyebrows almost connect under perplex ion.
“What are you saying? That I’m supposed to be attracted to the shallowness…if that’s the case then I want to hear more!” he said laughing.
“I’m saying—least this is what I believe, that if you have a preference for someone on shallow—a lack of a better word—levels you have an obligation to embrace it.”
“Embrace what?” Bill said now joining him against the wall.
“Well that situation.” He said looking at him intently. “ It doesn’t mean have sex with this person, you should respect what about them physically caught your eye, their ethnicity, legs, face…”
“Ass.” Bill whispered, and laughed.
“Well…yea.” He said shaking his head. You have to see what level these things can take you too, or maybe it’s not supposed to. You just have to decide what you’re looking for at the moment, and that’s when life becomes interesting.”
“OK so what you’re saying, David is. I see a woman based on my specs…”
“Physical specifications.”
“Yes physical…”
“Now remember this only in certain situations If you are sitting somewhere and a woman approaches you it could be the other way around, and you have to use things such as similar hobbies or personal philosophies to determine if you need to make a connection…”
“What you don’t do this if I’m attracted to someone physically?”
“Of course you do, it just becomes the second thing you do after the door opens. If someone chooses you that person might not be on your physical preference list, but their intellect, philosophy on life, hobby is still is, and this would be the only way your path could get you to together.”
“This sounds way to difficult.” Bill said smirking at him. “To much homework.”
“What makes it easy, is knowing who you are.”
“David your strange.
2
Monday, December 26, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Zen
There’s no point in translating all of the old Chinese texts—not if you’re serious about understanding real Zen. The sound of the rain needs no translation.
MORIMOTO ROSHI
MORIMOTO ROSHI
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Zen
Thus we see that the all important thing is not killing or giving life, drinking or not drinking, living in the town or the country, being lucky or unlucky, winning or losing. It is how we win, how we lose, how we live or die, finally, how we choose. We walk, and our religion is shown (even to the dullest and most insensitive person), in how we walk. Living in this world means choosing and the way we choose to walk is infallibly and perfectly expressed in the walk itself.
R. H. BLYTH
R. H. BLYTH
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Subject 2
I just took your photo, and yes we were serenaded by Miles and Madeleine Peyroux.
Now you are calling me at 12:58 am on a Monday night.
At 22 I knew what happened at this hour.
Now you are calling me at 12:58 am on a Monday night.
At 22 I knew what happened at this hour.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Subject 1
She tried to come over. Drive her rental car anyway. I had just finished a conversation with a woman whose voice warms my blood, and now here I am in the cross hairs of someone's spontaneity. Upon separation from my wife I made bold and meaningless statements to the fact that: I would be out there. I would be entertaining personalities and creating stables of women impressive to even William Clinton. I would be solar pl ex deep in tons of sexual escapades (as long as they are familiar with the Tao, Aristotle, The book: Disappearance of The Universe... Stumbling Towards Enlightenment...The Alchemist...) and driving like a caravan through them with a horns a blazing.
But i just happen to bump into someone
and here at 10:30pm I would be spending sometime with this eager driver about her staying home and also more importantly about the importance of a good parking space.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Words
"The moment between before and after is called truth."
Katagiri Roshi
In May of this year I told my brother my wife and I were seperating. He hasn't spoken to me since. I in his eyes was soon to violated a covenant put into play by God almighty; a law that cannot be forgiven, with only some form of damnation to follow.
The only thing I have violated was his fragile sensibilities.
A Lexus, huge home and a large bank account had all substituted for wisdom, in his head. I had fought my mind to follow another road and discovered humility along the way. He had this country as an ally to support his philosophy against me, so I couldn't cleary lay blame, but just look at him as disabled. His life had become devoid of passion and imagination and he had--like many, plugged into the illusion of the ego.
My wife and I agreed to rearrange our relationship, to save it. Do to preferences, path requirements we had too. It was very clear that something was wrong, but we had it in our power to figure it out. We both still needed each other, but we also needed to recognize other loves; other experiences and expand. We needed to stop coveting each other and see what we've become.
But my brother has stop speaking to me, but I will have the last word resonating in his mind
Katagiri Roshi
In May of this year I told my brother my wife and I were seperating. He hasn't spoken to me since. I in his eyes was soon to violated a covenant put into play by God almighty; a law that cannot be forgiven, with only some form of damnation to follow.
The only thing I have violated was his fragile sensibilities.
A Lexus, huge home and a large bank account had all substituted for wisdom, in his head. I had fought my mind to follow another road and discovered humility along the way. He had this country as an ally to support his philosophy against me, so I couldn't cleary lay blame, but just look at him as disabled. His life had become devoid of passion and imagination and he had--like many, plugged into the illusion of the ego.
My wife and I agreed to rearrange our relationship, to save it. Do to preferences, path requirements we had too. It was very clear that something was wrong, but we had it in our power to figure it out. We both still needed each other, but we also needed to recognize other loves; other experiences and expand. We needed to stop coveting each other and see what we've become.
But my brother has stop speaking to me, but I will have the last word resonating in his mind
Friday, November 11, 2005
Calendar
ZAZEN
Is not thinking of good, not thinking of bad.
it is no conscious endeavor.
it is not introspection
Dogen
Is not thinking of good, not thinking of bad.
it is no conscious endeavor.
it is not introspection
Dogen
Monday, November 07, 2005
Her
Quiver
My building cracked and crumbled down
i
ok
ok
don't know
what to
say
pour pour pour; the words
and many moments in one moment
my punic war;my Hannibal into Rome
My building cracked and crumbled down
i
ok
ok
don't know
what to
say
pour pour pour; the words
and many moments in one moment
my punic war;my Hannibal into Rome
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