Should I be?
Should I be honored that the *Queen is dreaming of me?

I am hovering in the shadows of your court



Oh Great Queen
shot from many angles
admired in all of them.

The *elaborate one

I am a mere fodder in your abbey
one who just smells your smoke not kisses its source
walk on me dear jewelled one, with your turned ankle and your yellow buckle shoes
so I can at least feel your touch.

yield to the willow
all the loathing
all the desire of your heart.

-BASHO

Let it go







your higher self doesn't give a fuck
about the constructions you have created in your life




your ideal marriage
Audi station wagon
Gap pocket T
your church







It is not looking to oversee the groove you are carving
the theology handcuffs you are looking to secure


your 401k
your resentment








your personal evolution is all it cares about

all it loves

But your big brain has begun

with its

distraction
stuck in books and classes that stave off the inevitable.



The I am doing




Your claviger does not care about your disputes only your submission






let it go.

your foyer is admirable

i need to step into
another room


please
a quieter one,
a comfortable one
one devoid of sticky substances and apologies

How many times can you take my coat?
How many times can you ask me about the weather?

please
allow me your hospitality
let me into your other rooms.

i saw her yesterday














i wasn't looking for her.
only continuing to forget



i did not see her eyes or her neatly blemished face.


i didn't have too


her walk was unmistakable




An elegant cadence, shoulders steady, her purse twisting under her forearm. This walk which started us up, becomes--years later, the last page of a book that won't turn.



i don't want her anymore





i studied her back and watched her pull further ahead into a mix of people.

She crossed a street and into an office building.

it is

strange

your photographic tambour still seems perfect
breathing just right
sensibility and mood prickly
is it all dramatic?
is it an elaborate comedy?

You playing many parts.







Ah but this verse impels this along

no distractions




no Poincare Conjecture


no ice on Mercury




There is candy in the Cosmos





no distractions
discover yourself.

HOLD

hold tight





Hold on

Hold. It's a lot of careening and pushing. Then there is aweing and sighing.
There are these moments where I am standing on the lawn in my barefeet.









A smile is getting away from me.
I can hear enjoyment in my voice.








For some reason I can hear enjoyment in my voice.


Hold on.

Hold onto things because you are.
My bags are packed
and I sit on an ideling bus.
I am safe
but I still

hold on.
I am someone who now releases everything

but now I hold on


I hold on because you are.

She needs herself to grow

She needs your love to grow

She needs love to grow.
no to the I just told you
no to the counterfeit card,trip to Queensland and your dinner party.








china from Wedgewood










There is a lot to see when someone sits across from you in a tub


her words filling it.


and then matching the notes from a song with her world



respond


with no weight



a touch



please hold onto nothing.


She needs herself to grow.

I have discovered that when two people are face with a situation that requires one of them to make a sacrificial response, the person with the most belief in a transcendence system can make the sacrifice. What this person will continue to discover that his/her metaphysical back up makes this no sacrifice at all; this support just continues to render the closed system useless.


The person who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world, will not as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages their old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the difficulty and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that a person exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible be found within them. In this daring lies dignity and the spirit of true awakening.

Karlfried Durckheim

That quote has become a reality for me. We see these zen quotes,koans, and aphorisms, but it doesn't mean anything until we start seeing in our own lives how these words become uttered. They have to be through an experience the person saying them was having. That is not as simple as it sounds. It takes a hovering we must do;everything that happens to us--at every moment, must be observed closely as an opportunity of self discovery.

We cannot project

We have to take it.

Take whatever is happening to us as an opportunity for us to demonstrate compassion. Regardless if it's positive or negative, it is only an opportunity. In the end our vision will become clearer and closed system sacrifices can be made without worry.

One thing

One thing I have noticed about some women is how leaky their thoughts are. They stand guarding doors firmly to get their point across on something, but behind them raiders are entering through a plethora of other hatches.
They do not believe in foreplay with anything, and just find themselves sitting in pools of drippy sexual ideas about themselves.

These women have the structure of a relationship down pat; the business of running it is in safe hands, but the problem is their minds it has to be clearly monitored(if evolution is not allowed) or they will be obsessed over the idea of freedom and make moves in all direction, and then out of fear of this attention immediately try shutting them all down

Hearts will be broken.

K.I.M.

The problem with having a relationship is in the idea of inclusivity; once it is inclusive that is when all the problems begin. You are aware of this I am absolutley positive, whether unconciously or conciously a crumbeling begins on the celing above us once we close ourselves into a room with our person or thing; we huddle close to it and make it our everything and the world begins to attack our ass for lack of concentration.

Nothing in the worlds room is what it seems. Ever since I started to seriously study this macabre atmosphere I started to unconciously feel like I was in some multi billion square foot fun house. Floors letting below me and then quickly returning to keep me engaged. Mirrors that distort my shape and keep me staring at myself.

and then relationships with the same formula and less than happy results. You meet someone you laugh with them, they seem cool, the sex works, everybody is on there best behaviour. So you get involved with them or even get married and then all your roads lead to them; you are standing under an umbrella in a monsoon asking them how there day was.

Relationships are not residing places or destinations they are opportunities to see yourself better regardless of what we call negative or positive experience. Once those experiences are properly digested we continue. Moving on, keeping those who have more to show us and growing from those who don't.

No time to covet or anchor down with someone, because the shit storm is waiting to catch you sleeping on the job.

KIM keep it moving.

Hey you





I came across something after talking to you yesterday. When I said "Sex is no longer needed." I struggled to define what those words meant(the statement comes from a place I don't know and I have to sit and concentrate to piece it together) so I have and decided:

There are two reasons to have sex in my opinion. One is to experience an idea you have in a phyiscal form; you feel so so very close to someone so you need to transformed this phyiscally-- you believe, for it to be real. The second is just based on images; the bodies make up, the walk, clothing, status, national orgin etc.

When you and I had sex in the very beginning it was saturated with a mix of the two(our own marriages of course set this tone), as time went on between us we were successful at gaining closeness in philosophical ways; in turn we would evolve immensely. Sex then isn't a expression of closeness, because we have mastered it into mentality, a form that even if we were on separate planets we would still get this relationships importance.

If we choose to have sex now it then becomes where it first started; something based on what you are wearing that night/day for example a lovely summer dress with draw strings, tight zcavarrici jeans, thigh h...Ahem. In that case it happens just based on how attracted I am to you physically. Sounds strange huh?

What I discover through this process is that you have stolen back love from sex(wasn't really there anyway) and put it in its place--the mind, and sex just becomes a more of an enhancement of expression; a simple appetizer, an extension of an idea that is either taken or left on the tray.

That idea can only be love or the many definitions of fear.



MER

ME

just watching him
his fuckin' pacing; his anticipation and expeditious words.






She is an astounding artist. This I recognize.


an unconscious approach
I helped unearth

but she enmeshed him with this wonderful ability.


the stupid one




and her fuckin' sensitive grain.


has him spouting inane forecasts as he lays aside all our discretion and then empties our cool

the deficient one gets in my way.

I once dated a woman not realizing what it was that surrendered my attention. She wasn't exactly witty, clever or kind for that matter.
Months turned into more months and I continued to stand at her door with wilted flowers and such. Then I would find myself sitting on her couch, standing in her kitchen and prone in her bed. Ah...it felt strange to journey through intimacy when you clearly have no idea what draws you into a person. but through my continued and often times annyoing behavior to know, it would slowly dawned on me as I sat there once again on her floral covered sofa.
It was her ass, it was her legs that kept me fixated. Um...yes it was.
This discovery would come a year (or more) in between other relationships that I had .
I would still keep coming back to her, in the interim like an unsolved murder with more fibers to present. But now I would stand up(might have been after sex) and explained my findings to her with great enthusiasm.
She would never talk to me again, but just like finding the purpose of space's dark matter I was fulfilled.
I had not only discovered something about being a man, I had found accountability for the future, because if I know going into a relationship that it is based on physical attributes I either stick to that summation and decide if that is going to be enough for me or I seek out more weight in relationships, regardless I will seek out substance and not kid myself when some woman with an ass you can stack cd's on begins talking to me at a bustop.

I was thinking that the only reason her answer was wrong is because I had already made up my decision. How else can I ask someone their opinion and then be perplexed when they give me something I don't like.(exact opposite of what I'm thinking) Sounds like I just typed a whole lot of confusion, but damn this makes sense to me now.

I hang out with this early man on occasion called John McCuddy. I love verbally sparring and can’t get enough of the open looks Cud’s depressing, dire, and cynical state of our current society gives me. We do laugh a lot so it’s not like it’s raining every time I see him, just cloudy with peaks of sunshine.

Tuesday I came across him as he sat leaning forward on a park bench entertaining a pigeon. He dropped the last remaining crumbs of popcorn and then quickly began rolling quarters over his fingers. He started in as soon as my ass could feel the metal slats.
“It just don’t make any sense that people are walking around with these cell phones bolted to their heads. Who the hell are they talking to? Does it make any sense that you are calling people you are on your way to see?” He began flipping the quarter with his thumb and then slowly put it in his lapel pocket. “What purpose does it serve?”
“It’s efficient, Cud. You can tell people where to meet you if things change, bus is late. You can tell your wife to fucking start thawing the pot roast you on your way." I said studying his graying hair before sliding down on the bench. "Cud that language is played out when it comes to downing the technology advancements we've made as a society. Next you’re going to say we didn’t have this in...fill in decade. ”
“It’s just corporational distraction to load their goddamn pocket books and keep you from thinking on your own. What happens when we are left alone with ourselves; able to settle down, you know?” He said studying the ground.
“Ah Cud…”
“Think about it. If we are left alone more we find more magic; we rearrange our priorities and do more of what we love, but now we are either buying their crap or your working for these companies pushing their crap.”
“It’s all been said, Cud.”
“Don’t you see it’s a damn distraction to keep us from our purpose.
“It’s just a cell phone.

She was supposedly sexually harassed. I didn’t know her name, because it was her very first day, but as long as I’ve been working here I’ve never seen someone harassed at this speed. I’m mean, I even wait a month to a year at testing the degree at which I can be rude. But here this woman being shown where the coffee pots is; how to use the microwave, the inner components of the filtered water, finds herself being exposed to the office most unusual employee. Here he pulls an apple from the refrigerator walks up to her and says “Those are the biggest breasts I’ve ever seen.” Silence rung out like a church bell. “I was raised on a farm in a small town in Pennsylvania. My family and I Went on to other agricultural products after being crowded out, and then we wound up watching it go the way of the dust bowl.” He continued.
Because we were clearly not expecting something like this on a Monday morning, I who was standing at the vending machine joined in with the others and found ourselves standing like chess pieces. He sighed and seem to reflect fondly of a by gone era, by a small grin and the rubbing of his head.
“I think that was very inappropriate.” The manager says as the victim turned away and headed near the door.
“I don’t mean it in a sexually harassing way. I just couldn’t help but reminded of my days on the farm as kid. All this processed milk nowadays. I’ve seen it a few times…”
“But you just insulted this woman on her very first day. She hasn’t even taken her coat off.” I added. Staring at them now and discovering that he was not clearly off the mark.
“What ever happen to the power of observation?”

Act one

There is this woman I work(Madeline) with who is the star of a very engaging play. I hurry to work to listen to it unfold, from the manager,people in the lunch room, friends and of course her.
The actors are played by her boyfriend(Sample) also the father of her daughter, her older and ailing parents, brother(Ira) and (Marble) sister-in-law.


The very first act I came in on(what truly made me believe that this would be epic and number 1 in her canon) was eleven months before the birth of her daughter. She had just moved out of her parents home and into her first apartment. She was 26 and it appeared had not lost the fevor of constant hours of sex, its repercussions, poorly made drinking decisions and not paying rent for that matter.
Ah
the stories that it brought to the stage. The first month was began with sex with a friend/acquaintance/friend after a all night party that ended with a police chase and the getting rid of very pricey and quite good weed. What hurt more was that it was a complete misunderstanding and our heroine could happily continue with would be considered a raucous tale of drinks,finding a new dealer,drunks and a disatourious train ride into work( she fell asleep on the train into work and woke up minus her purse).


Throughout the week there would be more of the same. Dick checks in cars and resident complaints of zoo sounding sex from her place. Surprisingly she would show up for work. Of course she needed few hours to find her rhythm,stapler and desk. But she would contribute well. Delving out information on her weekend adventure slowly. Giving different version to different ears. Those who could handle clean all the way down to the salacious, for people like myself who stood with popcorn and twizzlers.

As the month moved on and the next one began it had come to her attention that she had paid her rent last month. She would arrive at the conclusion that there will be no more of that.

Her landlord fresh with complaints about the noise from her apartment decided on her side. money wouldn't be a good exchange anymore maybe if he could just change his status and do more than just fix some of her applainces.

Before any negotiations could begin, both of them must have remembered that not only did he have a girlfriend but she also lived down in the apartment with him(she was very abrasive and also a brown belt in Tao kwon Do. I could not understand how this was constantly over looked). This would take a revised plan.

ok at this point we finally reach the pinnacle, of this act. One evening or afternoon, as this story is disjointingly told our protagonist is engaged in her usual mutual oral exploration(stolen from defunct moonlighting) and a massive malleate (hopefully I am using this word correctly)started in on the door. The sound was accompanied by "I know your in there(s) " and continued with even more intense pounding.

The friend/acquaintance became a little nervous. Our heroine tried to calm him down by forcing him into the bathroom and through a nailed (bricked over) window(they had to stop) while she headed to the now mangled, held on by a 70 year old frame door. There stood an ex friend--but more than friend, from Miami ready to claim her back(Sample) No fisticuffs were thrown as somehow he was twarted by seeing her sweaty and naked.

The Landlords owner would come up with a better plan and realize they could make more money as a condo.

She would leave

She would become pregnant move home to her parents where her brother and sister-in law also reside and chalk up her little foray as a slight hiccup as we await Act II

excerpt

“You’ve been divorced well over a year, you can at least go out with someone.?”
“I’ve done that—you know that. I have just been in some bizzaro world of dating.” Choosing women due to their strong sexual output, and then unconsciously—with stupidity, trying to shape it into a relationship.”
“I’ve been thinking about things like that…” David said as a few people walked in-between them. “I consider those preferences that will lead you into the right direction.”
“Preferences, for what?”
“Preferences for large, breasts or a mini skirt! That’s what captures you initially, right?” He said as Bill shook his head.
“Well, that’s some of the things I find myself looking to talk to, but it doesn’t mean I won’t open myself up to different situations. It just a period I’m in.”
“My thing is this, Bill. I believe your preferences are not necessarily a faze or a period, but a part of who you are.” Lines swam ashore on Bill’s forehead, as his eyebrows almost connect under perplex ion.
“What are you saying? That I’m supposed to be attracted to the shallowness…if that’s the case then I want to hear more!” he said laughing.
“I’m saying—least this is what I believe, that if you have a preference for someone on shallow—a lack of a better word—levels you have an obligation to embrace it.”
“Embrace what?” Bill said now joining him against the wall.
“Well that situation.” He said looking at him intently. “ It doesn’t mean have sex with this person, you should respect what about them physically caught your eye, their ethnicity, legs, face…”
“Ass.” Bill whispered, and laughed.
“Well…yea.” He said shaking his head. You have to see what level these things can take you too, or maybe it’s not supposed to. You just have to decide what you’re looking for at the moment, and that’s when life becomes interesting.”
“OK so what you’re saying, David is. I see a woman based on my specs…”
“Physical specifications.”
“Yes physical…”
“Now remember this only in certain situations If you are sitting somewhere and a woman approaches you it could be the other way around, and you have to use things such as similar hobbies or personal philosophies to determine if you need to make a connection…”
“What you don’t do this if I’m attracted to someone physically?”
“Of course you do, it just becomes the second thing you do after the door opens. If someone chooses you that person might not be on your physical preference list, but their intellect, philosophy on life, hobby is still is, and this would be the only way your path could get you to together.”
“This sounds way to difficult.” Bill said smirking at him. “To much homework.”
“What makes it easy, is knowing who you are.”
“David your strange.

2