Thick Lines

you have evacuated the table
and laid your map down



the roads sit like a clock and you sit perplexed after you made it
drawn lines with thick emphasis

any moment you will accuse me of taking the shelter away



this map you've drawn with thick coatings


but you need me to hide from it.


and if not it will remain like a clock constantly turning your head.

Anthony comes in two's

"So I told her 'truth makes people responsible' and she said 'that's why people dread it, and of course don't want it."

"Right."

"You understand?"

"What?"

"You know what trips me out the most? I can't understand why typed language can be so different from voice."

"What?"

He shook his head for a moment. "I can talk to a woman for hours on the phone, right?"

"Ok."

"We can talk about everything from the fucking take over of the New York Times to the band 'Godspeed you black Emperor' but when we take it to any other form of communication that requires our fingers to do the talking all of a sudden the dialogue bends a little."

"What do you mean?"

"About what?"

"What do you mean, about what? What you just said?"

"OK, what I am saying is we say different things to people we know, OK? When it comes to typing to them than when we use our voice. You understand?"

"Um...I think so."

"You understand?"

"Of course we do, that's a known unknown. People are more comfortable when they can't see or hear the person."

"I get you."

"Ok."

"I get you. What I am trying to focus on is why? Why am I saying more risque shit when I don't see this woman? What is coming out of me that I am not revealing, that I am not understanding, that is not given the opportunity to become mature?"

"Mature?"

"Yes. There is thing in us that is not given a chance to properly mature. It's a toddler, right? Till we are typing behind a curtain then it is out in some fucking play land."


"What goes on in your head Anthony?"

"We are two people."

"What is your point?"

"I want to be one."

"Of course."

.

















very short story for purchase















explicit at times
















"

all the work is done down here


down here


on the hour



detailed

and

peerless




keep your theatrical piece to entertain





but this work is all there is






no need to traval far.

July 9, 2009

Walking Through When Doors Open





When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what’s there as that’s the only way to know. Even if it doesn’t seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go.


Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things.


These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold. There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations.


Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.









om

"Every one of us

is called upon, probaly many times to start a new life.
A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job...
And onward full tilt we go,
pitched and wrecked and absurdly
resolute, driven in spite of
everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another--that is surely the basic instinct...Crying out: High tide!
Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take
this life for what it is."














-Barbara Kingsoliver,
from Hight Tide in Tucson

Summer reading

what is to be said for all the bags of unused words that we have piled up.
piles of sentiments delivered in hushed tones





intricate superlatives and properly insulated nouns.

a very small novel was produced-- one that could light the senses.

but isn't fascinating?

isn't it?

it all goes away to playing in the sunshine

ice cream that melts and falls onto the sidewalk

disappearing from taste like the mirrored self at the end of a unfinished book

there are still the writings of the summer

I will bitch








but I will keep going.

the mentor
is rude








doesn't keep my fears in mind when decisions are made

The present is where all my mail comes.

the future is a cad



a rake



it doesn't exist
i can only use the past as a bulletin for it.
it is criminal the way it tries---- it tethers me along


reading scripts from the extinct

handcuffed when the forthwith needs and answer






my now is bailed out
it is free

You might come out and find out you are too bright to see.

I like to talk about these things.

*this and that

It makes thee uneasy
you open your window and yell out what you've already decided
you might come out



find out
you are too bright to see
it is out here the pain is presented surgically.



coming out of you

but the pellucid goes in---instantly

and still you're uneasy

you are too bright to see

I like to talk about these things




but you're uneasy.

Nicholas is on to something.

"...And that is when he said 'Why is that people riding on a bus look out at us? It is like these motherfucka's get on a bus--or anywhere they are in a situation where they have to wait--that's when they begin looking around, trying to use something or someone as a television.' And this is what killed me. He said 'Me standing on a motherfucking curb waiting on this big ass bus to stop blocking the crosswalk: that they are riding in! Becomes TV for their ass!' This is Anthony at his finest."

"He needs a Pulitzer."

"He has one room of his mind that has too much furniture in it."

"Doesn't he realize he is doing the same thing?"

"I think the beautiful thing is he is aware that he is doing it. But the truly most interesting thing about him is when he goes on one of these shouting paragraphs he is really talking to himself; he is complaining or recognizing his own behaviour. His tongue is wedged into his cheek."


Why point it out then? That is what puzzles me."


"It goes back to the first thing 'He's aware' and he wants to know where it leads."

"It's not that serious."

"It is."

"He's having more fun in the observation."

"He's having fun, but he is figuring things out at the same time. He sees that life is happening while you are on your way to Yoga class. He wants to know what is happening. He wants to know what is going on during all of this down time away from what you consider your life."

"He seems to comical for that."

"I don't know. I think he wants you to believe that to throw you off the scent of something much more metaphysical that you are not ready to digest."

"You think?"


"I don't know."

still

nails across the chalk
there is a commotion
and even a sharp whisper that pretends to lull me.











abide it asks



stay still' it demands








so much attention it gives to me
reckless and ugly

my edges fray



they do fray!











but i am still-- i counter.

there has been these moments were the pressure has been felt

i have tried to dragged the worry





and everything to crowd this transport of inspiration











it is so full





it is so packed with only what matters







I look for rooms here to put my comfort



my safety





and there is only certainty



there is only credence.

Slowie uses his head.

"On Tuesday evening after work I found myself in bed with someone."

"Ok."

"What?"

"I just said Ok."


"I didn't want to be alone."


"I didn't say anything."

"He was a gentleman."

"What constitutes that?"

"Oh with the questions now?"


"Sigh."

"What do you mean 'what constitutes it?'"

"How can you determine if a guy is a gentleman. And I mean you?"

"He could string a series of paragraphs together with out saying 'Um' plus he held my hair back while I was giving him head. "

"Please tell me it wasn't in the car."

"I'm not a trollop."

"I see."

"I truly believe that finding a good man is like a safari; you have to strap on your pith helmet and rumble across a desert absorbing the incredible uncomfortable ride--you know? After awhile, I believe it slowly becomes tolerable--or you begin to forget you're in the desert." She said sitting still for a moment. "You just stop thinking about it."


"I'm not sure a Chan Buddhist could have put it any better."

May 20, 2009


Boldly Growing into Your Own Fear of the Future




Though much human fear is based on uncertainty, foreknowledge does not always ease the mind. It is often when our futures look brightest that our resolve crumbles and we veer off course. We can recognize that success is on the horizon, but we cannot discern how it will impact our lives. Because success can affect us in complex and unpredictable ways, taking us out of the status quo and pushing us into new circumstances that test our limits, the mere idea of attaining the life of our dreams can shake us to the core.

Fear of the future is often closely intermingled with the fear that growing into your own potential will both change you irrevocably and force you to face situations that you aren’t ready for. It is normal to unconsciously project ahead into the future and see success as a great weight bearing down on you. It is important to remember, however, that all the life changes the future will bring will be implemented into your life slowly and gradually.


When we visualize the future, we tend to focus on outcomes rather than the steps we will take to reach those conclusions. Thus, we may forget that growth is progressive.

Your soul longs to fulfill its purpose—a purpose you agreed to in the timelessness in which you existed before your birth.

Because of this, neither you nor the universe will set any circumstance before you that you are not capable of handling. Fear of the future can paralyze you, preventing you from living in the moment and from working toward your goals in a mindful manner. The key to conquering this fear lies in awareness. When you can identify the irrational thoughts that frighten you, you can replace them with logical, self-affirming ideas. If you are afraid that you won’t be satisfied when you accomplish a certain goal, remember that no one achievement represents an end in and of itself. And if you fear recognition or feel unworthy, consider that even now you are deserving of praise. Should fear of the future strike you as you strive to create, to excel, to grow, and to evolve, assert your courage. Assume that your fear is based on a false assumption and quell it with facts. Try to disregard past patterns and focus on the present by stilling the inner voice that comments critically on all you do. Tell yourself that the inevitability of your success is based not on luck or a universal mistake but on your already established talents, drive, imagination, and inner strength. Each time you overcome your fear of the future, you chip away at its very foundations. Eventually, you will clear a gap through which you can gaze upon the future with unhindered optimism.

it will increase its sound.

infallibility


is a expanding sound





like Bang's theory







right through your sufficiency

Anthony can't read

"Have you ever been reading an article and the shit just gets out in front of you? A few pages in you are completely blank."



"I can't say."



"I mean I am reading about this man who has apotemnophilia. Do you understand that?"



"I can't say I...."



"He has a compulsion to have a perfectly good limb amputated. This is what this means. He stares down at one of his legs and says to himself 'I need to cut this motherfucka' off' Can you comprehend that?"



"I don't think I have had an opportunity so far."



"Do you see how an article like that can draw you in?



"I add new words to my vernacular through comic books."



"So I'm reading about this neurologist; this dude or gentleman



"Yes of course gentleman."



"Well this dude is trying to understand the inner workings of this problem and many others, right? But check this out; after a few pages I'm blank. I'm completely fucking blank. I'm day dreaming or lost or whatever."



"What?"



"I'm reading this article, almost enthralled and then I am completely..."



"Fucking."



"Blank. All of a sudden after about two pages I am not able to retain shit. I had to go all the way back to the first paragraph and start all over."



"So what. I do that while I'm driving. What's your point?"



"I don't have a point." He said surprisingly quick. "That's what I'm saying."



"Huh?"



"Well now I would like to add you. I think we got some neurological problems. Is it the Internet? the TV? We are losing our ability to concentrate."



"What?"



"Huh?"

you will shun me

















you will



























and you will disable me









and deny









you have to








and it is ok

Bonfire of The Eternals

for the moment you were passing time


you couldn't help it



i don't believe you knew it.
you thought you could sit with me for awhile out in the chill


minus my arms around you and words as apparitions that could fanatically suspend you





your mind was racing,





you had other ideas all along




i don't believe you knew it
but still you discovered you wanted to come undone.



you wanted to let go








so you sat there



because it lit the unknown and warmed you differently





and you knew it was truth







but this was all in the meanwhile.






passing time.


until you would again take the fleece, and wrap it tight against your body and disappear into it.










all to avoid your inner warmth.







your eternal bonfire.