William needs a moving truck and some peace.

"I need to listen and not panic, you know? I just can't panic."

"Right."

"And listen intently."

"Right."

"You know?"

"I know."

"I'm nervous about it. I think I'm afraid--really, you know? A little. I have been strangled with bouts of hysteria just trying to calm down--stay calm. You know? Relax and listen.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Are you trying to calm down?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know."

"I have to shut this whole system down. I am trying to fire everybody that's in my head, because I can't hear."

"What?"

"It has been a fuckin' circus in there. Don't you feel the same way? I mean I can not continue to subscribe to this existence the way it is. You know? This existence is fucking screw up, it is a calamity. Don't you see that? There are no answers coming from it. I at least realize that now. I have to quiet my head and listen. I have to fire everyone in my mind and then wait. I have a million square feet in there and it is filled to the rafters with your problems and how I hate my boss, and should I walk the fucking dog, or will I be destitute this month, and can I eat burritos after eleven pm."

"Yeah that isn't a good."

"What?"

"Burritos."

"I don't want to panic anymore. I'm tired."

"I can understand that."

"I just want empty it all out and have delivered the only experiences my head needs."

"It won't make you interesting..."

"To people like you, no. But I will find another empty house bastard."

"What is it going to do?"

"A empty head?

"Yeah?"

"Like I said things will be delivered. There will be furniture in this mug. The shit will be quite minimal, orderly. Those looking will understand me better. I will utter complete sentences. I will stay focus and attentive while saying paragraphs that makes sense. I will start making sense. I will be happier, I'm sure. Be patient. I will help you figure out how fucked up you are, and untangle your ass from some stuff."

"I like my stuff."

"I know you do."

"My house filled to the rafters."

"Yes. You can't even get in there. You can't find a seat."

"Yeah."

"I can't see you and you can't see yourself."

You are a stranger here

i am tired of finding the road back
i am tired of disentegrating
i am tired

Slowie wants it back.

"For once I don't want this guy to leave."

"OK."

"Yes I understand what I've told you. I understand--clearly what my method of operation is."

"I know it by heart."

"I am paralyzed by this."

"You?"

"Me. It's interesting isn't? It is interesting how strangers can say things to you that is the most vulgar you have ever heard and you don't give a fuck, you laugh."

"I don't laugh."

"But someone who you thought cared about you--barely, maybe even used your toothbrush-- once, can say lesser things that captures all of the air in your lungs, makes your nose bleed, and then leaves you in the fetal position on the bathroom floor."

"Do I want to know this?"

"He said it was over."

"Did you even have an 'it' you seem to have an understanding that it was never going to be an 'it'. "   

"It was something that was now over. That is what matters to me."

"What does this mean?"

"I know I was a wreck this year. I worked like crazy. I ate less. I slept less. I took the whips rather than delivered them. I hated myself this year and had some sort of breakdown to be honest."

"No."

"Yes. He tried to fuck me, spent Friday drinking all of my Champagne ate all my Chinese food and set everything we own together on fire in the living room."

"You want him back?"

"I want him back."

"What are you going to do differently?"

"I don't know. He said mean things to me."

"And pushed you against the monkey bars."

"Listen, I realize I have been hard on him."

"You can be! And its OK to want more than cigarette burns on your back."

"I don't do that anymore."

"You need his support. You need support, but I understand that your breakdown scared him."

"What does it have to do with him?"

"It revealed too much of himself. He ran not because of you, but because of your state, He didn't sign up for that shit. It scared him into thinking about his own misgivings."

"What guy says misgivings?"

"This motherfucka' isn't built to support you, Slowie. "

"I don't need it."

"You need it. Even if it is from some bastard you're having sex with. That's the Slowie I don't know."

"I don't need it."

"You need it. He disparaged the shit out of you because you revealed him to himself. He wasn't built for that, but it is OK to have a breakdown. It is also OK to have someone you are sleeping with help you through it. You need to be in a relationship that protects your mind-- fuck everything else."

"I don't like you."

"I know."

"I want to go back."

"What?"

"I want to go back to not feeling. I want to go back to being a guy. Keeping love and compassion in my silk purse on the floor in the hall."


"You can't now."

"You can shut your face."

William wants to try something else.

"I don't want to die, but I'm chokin' here."

"On the food?"

"I have no other choice but to start trusting myself."

"I don't understand."

"There are two ways I can go. I don't want to go back though. I don't want to go where you are, working a job that is filling your blood with poison. Dating someone that is slowly pulling bone marrow through your eyes."

"I don't know what you heard."

"I have to start relying on myself."

"Huh?"

"I just have to try another way. I have to take this road. I have to try this new thing so I don't shrink. I don't get old. I don't get sick. I don't become hateful. I don't pretend to die again. It is getting boring."

"OK."

"What are you doing?"

"Eating. What? I don't want my food to get cold."

"Maybe it is not that serious."

A Tranquil Mind is not a Little gift.