Slowie wants it back.

"For once I don't want this guy to leave."

"OK."

"Yes I understand what I've told you. I understand--clearly what my method of operation is."

"I know it by heart."

"I am paralyzed by this."

"You?"

"Me. It's interesting isn't? It is interesting how strangers can say things to you that is the most vulgar you have ever heard and you don't give a fuck, you laugh."

"I don't laugh."

"But someone who you thought cared about you--barely, maybe even used your toothbrush-- once, can say lesser things that captures all of the air in your lungs, makes your nose bleed, and then leaves you in the fetal position on the bathroom floor."

"Do I want to know this?"

"He said it was over."

"Did you even have an 'it' you seem to have an understanding that it was never going to be an 'it'. "   

"It was something that was now over. That is what matters to me."

"What does this mean?"

"I know I was a wreck this year. I worked like crazy. I ate less. I slept less. I took the whips rather than delivered them. I hated myself this year and had some sort of breakdown to be honest."

"No."

"Yes. He tried to fuck me, spent Friday drinking all of my Champagne ate all my Chinese food and set everything we own together on fire in the living room."

"You want him back?"

"I want him back."

"What are you going to do differently?"

"I don't know. He said mean things to me."

"And pushed you against the monkey bars."

"Listen, I realize I have been hard on him."

"You can be! And its OK to want more than cigarette burns on your back."

"I don't do that anymore."

"You need his support. You need support, but I understand that your breakdown scared him."

"What does it have to do with him?"

"It revealed too much of himself. He ran not because of you, but because of your state, He didn't sign up for that shit. It scared him into thinking about his own misgivings."

"What guy says misgivings?"

"This motherfucka' isn't built to support you, Slowie. "

"I don't need it."

"You need it. Even if it is from some bastard you're having sex with. That's the Slowie I don't know."

"I don't need it."

"You need it. He disparaged the shit out of you because you revealed him to himself. He wasn't built for that, but it is OK to have a breakdown. It is also OK to have someone you are sleeping with help you through it. You need to be in a relationship that protects your mind-- fuck everything else."

"I don't like you."

"I know."

"I want to go back."

"What?"

"I want to go back to not feeling. I want to go back to being a guy. Keeping love and compassion in my silk purse on the floor in the hall."


"You can't now."

"You can shut your face."