Because you stand there asking those questions.....admission to that part of me requires a view in that bag






(it has been created this way)











That one you are holding onto so tight.


It is again--- my friends that have made me this way






with their blood on the floor and their gaping holes to be filled.

the detectives

with their tears

their intimacy


their power







and their love of self

all of us lead with our resilience.






with this we are being patched and healed


with this I have discovered the way
















but you see only what you are momentarily being depleted of

instead of what you are giving..





Everything is ok.

all of this is just because of the questions you ask.

Nicholas and the unknown

"Sentences that do not relate to each other."

"A collage."

"More like mania."

"Is her subject changing within a period or after a period during the time she has the floor?"

"How did you do that?"

"I don't know."

"She waits for me to respond to her question and..or subject before she switches the track."

"What does this mean?"

"I don't know. Maybe just like you, she just ain't home with herself."

"With me it's purposely done though, I am planning on working my shit out in my next couple of lives."

"She's a computer that keeps rebooting."

"You're to mean to have this amount of patience's."

"I know. I'm in a situation though."

"I see. She has anatomy like Amber Rose."

"Well that isn't the complete photograph. I've somehow cleared my way past that terrain."

"You made it?"

"I've made it just barely."

"So...where does that leave you?"

"Into the attractive unknown."

"So you haven't made it. You are tripped up and lie faced down in a ravine."

"I just made it past one ravine and it is that fuckin' unknown that chews at my colon."

"Your off mission."

"I'm on mission."

"Ok where are you now?"

"Like I said in the land of mania where this women's sentences are stemming from nowhere and running off cliffs."

"Is that fun? Is a nice pair of thongs a part of that?"

"No but it has stopped me from sounding like a damn fool."

"Sex in some cases can show us what lies ahead as well."

"Listen to yourself. That's right your man suit is fitting tight."


"The one that comes with fat underneath the chin. I'm thinking there is a way that you can sense this early on?"

"Like you can?"

"I only say this for entertainment purposes."

"Ok this usually doesn't happen till I am putting my clothes on in the middle of the night and then I can't find my car."

"Did you get those new tires?"

"The Michelin's cost too damn much. I'm going to wait till next season."

"What does this all mean? I have enjoyed your architected tales of sin. Have you become respectable?"

"It means I've become attracted to something that hasn't debuted yet."

"OK."

"And I decided to ride it."

"Hmmm."

"I've always been respectable by the way; I've hidden from you just so you were free from isolation."



"Thank you. I would like to coast all the way out."

When you start giving love with a deep sense of gratitude to all those who accept it, you will be surprised that you have become an emperor--no longer a beggar asking for love with a begging bowl, knocking on every door. And those people on whose doors you are knocking cannot give you love: they are themselves beggars. Beggars are asking each other for love and feeling frustrated, angry, because the love is not coming. But this is bound to happen. Love belongs to the world of emperors, not beggars. And a man is an emperor when he is so full of love that he can give it without any conditions.












-0sho
love,freedom,aloneness

"One night I was in bed with six different women-in a row.....and I felt God I must be something ......But I wasn't...you know...I was just catching up on my own background."





-Charles Bukowski

you are on the run now
you are libel
your hands are full of so many things




this has been too much you think
just too much










but it's alright

1017

your addictions are only being teased
and never fulfilled

so not at home--you head out for a long walk



and its ok








its ok






this is just how it is now.

Slowie is a little bored.

"I don't know what to say to my friends anymore. I don't have a clue what to talk about."

"Not sure I understand that. You come across as someone loaded with banality."

"You know only if we could just get married right here. Close this dump of a restaurant, and have a few of these waitresses as bridesmaids. You can write the vows."

"Well my mother was a mutterer."

"Maybe I'm just bored, maybe I am tired of drinking. The fuckin' drinking." She sighed.

"Maybe you are."

"How do you see me?"

"What?"



"What do you think about when you are sitting at this greasy table waiting for me to get here?"

"I think I hope she is going to pay again. I'm broke."

"What part of an idiot are you?"




"All of it."

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I just sit here and listen and hope your leg brushes up against mine."

"I am one of these city squares who just wears 500 dollar shoes and stands in bars on friday nights with nothing of importance to talk about?"

"Yea."

"You think so? You really think so."

"Gin?"

"What?"

"Gin martini?"

"What about it?"

"Is that what you drink?"

"Yes."

"What kind?"

"Super premium Martin Miller London dry. It's silky and 28 dollars a bottle."

"Ah."

"What?"

Anthony can draw

-








"It's like an accouchement."



"It's too early..."



"Man, I got to get it out. I have to use any means necessary."

"So what?"

"I paint."

"You're a painter? I didn't know that. With brushes and everything?"

"Yes. I don't go around telling people this information. I don't think it's that necessary."

"OK."


"But you know, I don't get out all into the idea of painting, you know the lifestyle, the spattered jeans and whatnot. I am trying for..."

"And accouchement."

"Dig. I'm just trying to get the shit out. The instrument I use is vast."

"Vast?"


"Vast. Is that right?"

"I guess."

"I use charcoal, acrylic, oils, lead...I use whatever it takes to get the idea across. I'm not fucking looking to get wrapped up in the life. You understand? I'm trying to go crazy like the better artist in the past. That's when you become good."

"You've mastered that part for a couple of years now.



"I'm not looking to walk around in a apron..."

"Do you wear an apron?"


"At times."


"Dig."

"But I'm an artist."

When people cling to the old, change stops. Change comes with the new. With the old there is no change, but people cling to the old because it seems secure, comfortable, familiar. You have lived with it, so you know it, you have become skillful in it, knowledgeable about it.

With the new again you will be ignorant. With the new you may commit mistakes; with the new, who knows where it will lead? Hence fear arises, and out of this fear you cling to the old. And the moment you start clinging to the old, you have stopped flowing.






osho
365 the new

Into.

metal has twisted
glass shattered

but no impact has been felt.


it has been devastating; crippling to many others who desire it.
those who long for the tires to cry.




It is all impact




all of it




but we have been extended into the air


we have stop waiting for the impact that will never come







we are advancing into the air



enjoying the lightness,
and enjoying the freedom.

Mae has a crowd

"I'm too sexy to be alone."



"Maybe."







"I don't want to be alone."



"OK."



"That sounds stupid right."



"I don't know."



"You know."



"What is this all about? You're making my milk go sour."



"It's the holiday season what else."



"All your lovers are with their lovers."



"No."



"Ok."



"Honestly I can have anyone I want."



"I know."



"But I choose because I don't want to be alone."



"Choose what?"


"I don't know."


"Right."


"I just don't like being alone."


"Happy New Year."

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss. Love is painful because it transforms; love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence fear arises. And leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. The fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

And because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

It is because of the pain of love that millions of people live a loveless life. They, too, suffer, and their suffering is futile. To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. To suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. To suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle.





-osh0
love, freedom, aloneness

People are interested in sex, because sex is not risky. It is momentary, you don't get involved. Love is involvement; it is commitment. It is not momentary. Once it takes roots, it can be forever. It can be a lifelong involvement. Love needs intimacy, and only when you are intimate does the other become a mirror. When you meet sexually with a woman or a man, you have not met at all; in fact, you avoided the soul of the other person. You just used the body and escaped, and the other used your body and escaped. You never became intimate enough to reveal each other's original faces.



-osho
love, freedom, aloneness.

Lanvin is summa cum laude

"The relationship made me a liar."

"Someone as noble as you? Economical with the truth, even? I mean, I can't even get anywhere with you."

"Not much of a stretch, Monsieur. At the end of your semester--love and sex continues to drag down your GPA."

"Like a master level class of Mandarin."

"But I would do all of this depravity outside the home. I had these relationships with men. Not many, but all sexual. Some situations where I was submissive and some where I orchestrated everything, but all were me picking a poor transient way to find something authentic with the few tools I had developed for me by the people in my life. I knew I had an incredible desire to search, and I also knew there was nothing wrong with it. Authenticity wasn't anywhere in my life at the time." She said quietly. "I would then come home and be married. He would be in the living room playing his role; drink in hand and I would be dialed back in, and trying to suppress this appetite."

"An American tale."

"More than that..."

"This goes on all around the world. I think I just did this yesterday."

"This isn't as common as you think. Yes, people are searching, no question, we all are. But many stop when they are surrounded by the false distractions of life. Except for you, of course--who got a lawyer involved when they removed bear claws from this dump of a restaurant."

"I needed to be heard on that issue."

"But there is a minority that remains completely focused. They are not giving up on this class. They want to understand themselves based on their opposites, such as in people, places and things, and they are not stopping till they are completely enriched. regardless of the rules they trample."

"I never pegged you as a vigilante."

"I am now."

"That looks nice in a dress."

"Maybe."

"That doesn't follow the rules."

"Correct."

"And picks at her bear claw."

"And you claim you don't know me."

What are you doing?

The present is a million beginnings.
and inside the canopy of heaven you have got your hands on a garbage truck full of the past.

you have picked through it
you have given it too much of your mind

and easily found the coarse the sharp.




You have then lacerated yourself and stood in the mirror.

bloody, you have drag it all forward: meticulous and sure to drip on our achromatic present.

what have we done.

serve love through the lover, so that you never become attached to the lover. And when one is not attached to the lover, love reaches its highest peaks. The moment one is attached, one starts falling low. Attachment is a kind of gravitation--unattachment is grace. Unreal love is another name for attachment; real love is very detached.


Love, freedom, aloneness
-Osho

Step outside so we can talk about the weather.

step outside so we can talk about the weather

i want to be genial.

sure it is my opening act and how the audience is warmed.

it is fun

and to the distracted-- my exit is close by.

but you have charmed your way into my first floor

and I have quieted down and studied your steps.

reality curiously waits above you; waiting to come down for some tea.

But you are tired; you have thinned yourself in the material.

'step outside so we can talk about the weather'---because from here i cannot be too comforting.

not sure what my meta is for, you say.

no time to think about that, you nod

you need it direct much more.





taking ten things out of a hundred

and giving just ten to them all.



you are everywhere

but never ever aware.



let's step outside

where I can still be cordial

where you can ask for it as long as you need.

While all humans feel ashamed of weakness and afraid of rejection, our Western culture is a breeding ground for the kind of shame and self-hatred the Dalai Lama couldn't comprehend. Because so many of us grew up without a cohesive and nourishing sense of family, neighborhood, community or "tribe," it is not surprising that we feel like outsiders, on our own and disconnected. We learn early in life that any affiliation—with family and friends, at school or in the workplace—requires proving that we are worthy. We are under pressure to compete with each other, to get ahead, to stand out as intelligent, attractive, capable, powerful, wealthy. Someone is always keeping score.
After a lifetime of working with the poor and the sick, Mother Teresa's surprising insight was: "The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of not belonging." In our own society, this disease has reached epidemic proportions. We long to belong and feel as if we don't deserve to.


-unknown

Anthony is in the gutter.

"I am a behavioural racist."



"Coffee isn't meant to be drunk after such a reckless use of a condiment."



"I am always sexually safe. It is like a code. And irregardless, sugar always says 'hello' to me...it always says hello, how are things?' You know? When no one else does."



"Of course. it makes life worth living."

"I'm just off the train I go down the stairs and out the door and this kid just got all in my way..."

"You take the southshore?"

"Blue Island."

"Dig."

"I can't get my stereo to work in my car and I hate being that alone with my thoughts, so I train in."

"Of course."

"He's got his hood up and is taking in this girl, you know? He is blocking the sidewalk and I have to almost walk into the street to get around him. He knows I'm there."

"The city keeps the gutters pretty clean."

"So I start thinking--not too much, you know, but it sets on me that I'm angry, not at him, but this fuckin' behaviour of his, right? I mean this is my own race and I got these crazy racist thoughts rollin around in my head, but it was only triggered by this mope's behaviour."

"Don't give me you've solved racial conflicts, without mentioning; the religious, social economic and political ones."

"I'm just talking about me. You can dig right?"

"Right."

"You know?"

"Right of course."

"I'm just getting this right in my own life."

"Yes of course."

Lilly Hardy

~











"That's when I told him I graduated from Brown..."

"When did you lose your virginity?"

"What?"

"When did sex leave the tiny northern town of Theory and enter the southern city of Experience?"

"Three days after the Prom."

"You were in High school?"

"I graduated early, and if you could believe I was still trying to decide what school I was going to attend. I had already..."

"Why do you act like you don't know anything about sex?"

"Why are we talking about this? I'm sexually savvy. No ones called to complain to their Congressman after sex with me. I just want someone who can keep up with me in all aspects."

"Fuck the resumes; look for chemistry and someone who is gentle. I mean don't do what I do. Women who whistle while tying their shoes can easily lose their value when I am looking for directions in a snow storm."

"How long were you lost?"

"Triple A would eventually pull us out of an embankment."

"I'm not looking for Henry Kissinger. I just want someone smart and caring and hot."

"But you are getting your tips from George Plimpton instead of Anais Nin.

"Well."

"Yea."

"I'm just glad I'm not you."

"You lost your virginity, but you're still a virgin."

"What?"

"Yea."










~

Nicholas to the stand

"This counselor is in my head." He said searching his hands for a moment. "He has always been there you understand..."





"You mean its in mine too? This is where you're leading, based on the nature of our past conversations."



"Yours as well, yes, if it dries your bed, then yours as well , but can I just say mine for the moment, you know? Just to make what I am saying easier? Just to get the fuckin' words out before I'm interrupted."



"Yea, OK. Whatever you like...I will allow it. Why the hell do you talk to me again?"

"I don't know yet."

"Of course."


"I have this person I think I am, right? This so called idea of myself, based on how this counselor has censored all of my experiences, right?



"Censored?"



"He's a counselor, right? My prom, marriage, the relationship to my Mother etc...."



"The strippers."



"Some of the strippers, yes. He has interpreted all of this so that I stay comfortable and keep him employed."



"He gets you off though, of course, you know when it comes to life's heartache. Keeps you out of trouble."



"Temporarily off. So in the mean time he has created this person who I think I am, right. I think I am a pimp, philosopher or overall admired, even though I give a good 23 percent when it it comes to life. He gets me the easy way out; with the most limited use of my intuition, right?"

"Helluva lawyer."

"Yea. But check this out; when I meet up with a real person, a authentic person, a person and or situation that has fired this motherfucka' long ago. I see another person in me, one that is untethered and new, one that's scary and free. No lawyer needed just someone to witness incredible feats. You understand what I am saying?"

"Of course."

"Right. Do you know that unstoppable force that you might use Jim Beam, sex or hatred to quiet it, because you are afraid of this person's independence. "

"Or just a little bud--just a little, when you are in the privacy of your home on a late Friday night before a friends birthday party."

"Right, of course, where's my gift?"

"Me sober."

" You know, we dull this person because we are afraid of being venerable, and instead go back to the counselor who meets us at whatever sorry degree we retreat to.You know?"

"Dig."

"Right."

"You've spoiled my appetite."

"In this restaurant's case that's good. We should leave before the Health Inspector gets here."

101

you have wrecked the arts

you have gulped and threw it down;
Wynton's blood on the fields
Moby's Dick
and
Jasper's Johns



hey Immanuel Kant

you have done it all--smartly
bulked and obesed your body full of humanities to go.

no sipping, no enduring
no witnessing

Sinew

the platitude
gristle
not around for that




i am called up for the tangible
the sinew
hello' i say
salut i say to that

Again

The person who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world, will not as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages their old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the difficulty and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that a person exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible be found within them. In this daring lies dignity and the spirit of true awakening.










Karlfried Durckheim

no need to be
well read

or religious




20Th century

or baroque

I do not care-in detail about your convecting Viking

or your esquire smoke.


just

*you

honest

true
and loving


that is all.

Slowie can fly

"I started choking."

"Choked by a choker. That seems on the side of the odds."

"My neck swells during sex."

"Why was this thing still on? Why is it still on?"

"Waiting for my neck to go down. This is too pretty and expensive to cut off." She said now rifling through her purse."

"What did this do to your evening?"

"Huh?"

"What does a self inflicted choke do to the momentum of sexual relations."

"Well Senator, it had me-bare ass naked, running into the living room, all while clawing at my neck." She said studying the face of her cellphone. "It didn't loosen up until after a part of my vertebrae snapped back into place."

"Please, grant me permission to be your video biographer."

"Well that appointment will never happen again, after he stayed in bed smoking a cigarette."

"He could have confused your flight into the living room--to break out a window for air, as the effects of his prowess."

"I keyed his car after I left."

Lanvin is an apparition

"He can have me in texts, phone, and conversations in person. I would sit next to him at a hospital, church, football game. I love him. But we are not built for sex."

"Trying can make this a clear cut determination, and I don't say this because I want him to enjoy himself. Please enter that into your Moleskin. I'm just saying as all."

"Your just saying."

"I'm just saying."

"Well I go with a feeling."

"I do too."

"A feeling that works beautifully as a guide. I needed to find a better way of seeing the people who enter my life. I got tired of looking in bathroom mirrors saying 'How did I get here?'"

"I'm still available for that."

"Don't you wonder who these people are who coming in and out of your life?"

"I don't know. I figure it was just a gender based question."

"You ruin relationships don't you?"

"Burn them to the ground. One way to get the insurance money, of course."

"Of course. While I keep looking before matches come into play. Well in fact I let them try to, or think they have..."

"No one can have this much control. Who stays and wait around for your incredibly equipped load of beauty to run and guide the fucking show."

"People who are supposed to be there. If you leave as you might say 'I don't give a fuck'" She said smiling.

"I might say that, yea."

"You think I'm going to be lonely and this worries you?"

"I don't know."

"Again you sit here entertaining me. Following some imaginary script."

"The man who hangs around at the end of this apparition of a philosophy--helping you clean up; usually finds himself getting laid."

"You are the devil."

"Apparitions abound."