William is frightening because of intensity.

"I'm going to start just sleeping with strange women."
"Ok."
"Do you understand what I mean?"
"No."
"You said ok."


"I know I did. I thought my 'ok' would maybe slow down the momentum of this conversation."
"No not quite. Over the last few years I have been having intense relationships.Right?"
"Ok."

"These relationships have been incredibly intense.
"I believe you."
"I haven't really talked about it much for the simple fact that they were a catalysis to some painful growth for me.Right? So I gave you stories of the past that could easily entertain you just to keep my gentleman's license."

"I believe you."


"I have learned a lot about myself. I have become aware. I can say that right?"
"Become aware? Dig."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Ok. I have grown my friend. I have healed a lot of things from my past and realized what I am supposed to do as a man, as a loving human being. You understand? Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Are you punching me with these words?"

"I'm not sure."

"Ok."


"What I realize and you might enjoy this; I realize that sex with a strange woman that you meet somewhere, someplace,and then you go on your way is a nice break. A mini vacation, you know what I mean? It is like this is the weekend to a very stressful week you know what I'm saying? There you are chatting someone up at a bar or what have you. "

"Yes 'what have you."
"And you're talking about nothing important, maybe 'what brings you to this bar?' or 'your lips are like wine let me get drunk off of them."

"You would say that?"
"I don't know yet. But you see my point? You just want a break from the intensity. So then you try and cover that up because you just want to have sex like some porn star sometimes with someone who doesn't know you, instead of the intensity of having someone wonderful tell you how wonderful you are;and then you feel wonderful because you are, and then they tell you 'how so glad they are that you came into their life'. And then on top of it all you lay next to them and you realize you feel completely safe, and its not fucking religion that's doing it, or marriage or any of that bullshit. It is because of that growth that this woman or some other intense relationship has cultivated out of you. It is this big thing. This intense thing, right? But it is overwhelming sometimes It's like staring at the Sun and then you realize that you are the Sun. My point is you just want to break from that intensity, right? You just want someone for some weekend who don't give a shit about you. Right?


"In that incredibly elaborate case why would you want to do that then? You're frightening. You're unusual."


"That's my point."

do nothing

watch your life begin








give up

















give up














completly break yourself open






then do nothing

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."






-Jack Kerouac

Slowie likes four more than me.

"Sleeping with you was one of many devastating mistakes I made in my life. I mean no offense."

"Oh, offense taken."

"Ok. I just mean it is like I-think anyway, that I just love drama so much, you know?"

"You have revealed many clues."

"You think?"

"Yes."

"Ok. I mean I can just look at my evenings over the last four years."

"I would have to say longer. Why do you arrive at four years?"

"I always like the number four."

"You have an affinity for four, so that's why you drop it into sentences?"

"Yes."

"I see."

"I discovered that most of my evenings with men wind up with me in a torn skirt..."

"Intoxicated.."

"Or angry, crying."

"Desperate."

"Ok. There is Sigmund who loves me to death. He's a beautiful man."

"Choked."

"Ok."

"Ok."

"What goes on with me? What goes on where I have to continue finding situations where I am left in emotional debris?"

"Trash gives you someplace to always reemerge from like the last 15 minutes of an action movie."

"You believe that?"

"I don't know."

"Do you?"

"I know one thing in the last 4 years you've enjoyed being next to bullshit, you've enjoyed reporting from fucked up situations. It was as if you deserve these situations or if you wanted people to see you there and then you have this dramatic march back to people who really care about you, such as Sigmund and myself. As a side note I think both of us weren't sadistic enough for you that is why we were heavily marginalized. As another side note that you can think about when you are having your.... fourth..."

"Thank you."

"...Martini in your bathtub. There is nothing wrong with your sexual cravings you will just have to find healthy ways to be punched during sex."

"Ok. That was well thought out."

"You would make a great actress; beautiful at hitting your mark."

"I'm faking?"


"Mmmhmm."

"I hate this place. I like Nordstroms better."

"Eat your food and get out."

"You think I'm a fraud."

"With every fiber of my being."

"Ok."

"Slowie my dear I think you want me like others to feel sorry for you. But you're running the show. You're running this whole sad play just to get attention. For you to finally break out of it you would have to understand that love is your only missing ingredient. Love and then the unknown would be the next stage to walk out on. "

"I don't know what to say."

"Eat your food and get out. But remember I love you."

i like to keep opening up


i want to open
i'm in love with this.

I don't know a damn thing


I am fuckin insane
till inspiration speaks






give me ambiguity





give me the unknown
let me live in it



even

in


the


middle

of my dramatists outburst

the lullaby of haze it casts...





give me ambiguity


and i will know sanity.





i will know.

i say it

I sound convincing



but i say it to convince myself


it's convincing right?



it pours
it's bold
it gets out ahead of any forming doubt






(it still forms)





but again it is said to convince myself.





it is given to me.





and you






and i fucking say it.

A Run

a stampede
a run of ideas that doesn't take in a consideration


my apprehension

it is a stampede of a outstanding set of solutions...




it is a run that sails past my trembling.

William can't put his finger on it.

-











"I had the sarladaise sauce, prepared with brandy and truffles and served with roast meat."

"I like eating here where the gastric economy is considerably lower."

"This place is garbage, but my point is if I am eating...if I am eating the only American truffles from Tennessee at 600 hundred dollars a pound, then I have become completely distracted if someone like her is sitting across from me."

"You said she had your attention."

"I did." He said dropping his hands into his lap. "But don't you see it? I was way out of the box with her based on insignificant things."

"Her beauty?"


"Shit...maybe. I don't want to think that completely, but more and more talking to her I find myself in the shallow end of the pool; she is not giving me anything. We are making cardboard boxes in the rain.

"For you it's her beauty."

"I can't just put it there."

"OK."

"I mean I don't want to just put it there. I want to say there is something magical about her that I can't just put my finger on; that I am not waking up to. You understand."



"Yeah, it's maybe her beauty."



"Yeah well maybe."

The next time you're feeling stress or discomfort, ask yourself whose business you're in mentally, and you may burst out laughing! That question can bring you back to yourself. And you may come to see that you've never really been present, that you've been mentally living in other people's business all of your life. Just to notice that you're in someone else's business can bring you back to your own wonderful self.

And if you practice it for a while, you may come to see that you don't have any business either and that your life runs perfectly well on its own.
















-Byron Katie
Loving What Is

Were the power is

i will do all of the bending






hold onto nothing




i am not afraid to see where it leads.

sit and think.

It is ridiculous to think




I guess to even think.



But i can just sit here


and discuss it.

Sit in prophecy and beef about it.


I stand


. Get up and take the wheel trying to steer. Steer based circumspect--on a hunch. Fear for what i think will save me.


this is an idea attached to nothing.





it will happen exactly the fuckin way it is suppose to.


And it is always perfect for me.






Only if I think--think the crazy shit but sit.

Lanvin does not want to swim

"It is like being in a house that is in a city that is submerging slowly in water. Do you know what I mean?"

"Huh?"

"Slow submersion."

"How many years?"

"I don't know, anywhere from a few seconds to seventy years; the more aware you are the quicker you realize it."

"Submerging to where?

"To a life where when you turn around all your wires are piled high and connected to someone else."

"A needle in a stack of needles."

"I figure it is no ones fault. I figure the confines of the relationship is what jams you up. It has this claustrophobic effect that then unleashes all of kinds of debauchery on your senses."

"Do you talk to your mother with that mouth?"

"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Maybe."

"I'm just saying that many relationships have the ability to corral you into this state. A hypnosis. A place where you find you can't do anything but destroy yourself, and it is very slow process to the unaware."

"OK."

"What?"


"Why are you saying OK?"


"I don't know I'm under hypnosis."

"What I'm trying to say is it is not the fault of the two people interacting. It is the fault of the model that they were given. The mainframe, right? This model has me as a liar, deceitful ..."

"Sexy."

"No."

"I'm just saying."

"Of course."


"But do you understand what I'm saying?"

"What?"

"We have to rewrite with the person a new relationship that is going to allow us to be honest with ourselves; focus on our direction. On top of all of this we have to realize that every relationship that comes to us has the ability to be completely different from one another which will destroy the definition that was past down to us in so many ways. We will make up a new definition on a case to case bases."

"I understand."

"Do you really?"

"Yeah. I'm mean no. You believe relationships of any kind puts you in a trick box? If I steal. If I sleep with someone else during my marriage it is because the relationship has made me do this? 'Honey I'm sorry, this relationship put me on the nearest bus to Slowie's house for a fuck session."

"Some of that is because you are personally fraudulent and Slowie is highly suspect, but yes there is truth there."

"This is now something that I can use in my defense. Thank You."

"If you get married and use a blueprint based on what you see on TV you are automatically going to go with that version. Then you will have the additive of maybe what your parents and friends present to you. You're going to feel safe there, and then you are going to be plugged into the wires of their guilt and the waters of fear will slowly rise."

"I'm an idiot."

"I didn't say that."

"I can swim. I'm set."

"You are an idiot."

"Don't look at me like that."

Anthony's execution.

"Have you ever tried to eat something in the car that requires you to almost take off all of your clothes?"



"Not recently."



"Just that idea makes you believe that the food is bad, right?"



"Yeah. I wouldn't need any deliberation on that."



"Well it was just my shirt."



"OK."



"You think you're better than me?"



"Yes I do."



"OK."

"What was it? A Coney Island?"

"Nothing that complex, it was just some Crazy Bread from Little Ceasers."

"That's it?"

"The bread is loaded with false butters and oils and salts and chemicals, plus I had a baby pan pan."

"You ate this in the car?"

"As if I was being executed in thirty minutes."

"How does that work? Your eating Crazy Bread and four slices of square pizza in the car while driving?

"Square pizzas are not sliced. Slice is a noun and generally means wedge shape. They just go right across with this...."

"What is wrong with you?"

"I was hungry and I wanted to take a risk. What I did was lean my face over the passenger seat as I took a bite into the pizza. I kept my eyes on the road. I then placed it back into the box and grabbed a crazy bread and then waited till I reached a stop light where I executed most of my consumption."

"Any witnesses?"

"To this last meal? This pre execution?"

"No....well my small and large intestines. They are once again victims."

"Yes. I agree."

"Yes."

"You are the executioner."

"Yeah. Maybe."

My evidence

All of my true thoughts
should be presented as evidence

these cases
like insanity versus self
or fear vs i
the i cannot help it
I'm rude about it. I just need to presented it all
you can decide the rest.
it is the best defense

it guarantees my freedom

Lanvin does not give to charity

"Well I smile and say no thank you."

"I tell them I'm broke or like Flinch I say, this world is an illusion, you or I don't exist."

"That is a loose interpretation of Hindu philosophy."

"OK. Whatever."

"You and your friends."

"Right. I love you the most."

"OK." She said batting her eyes. "This is what I believe."



"What?"



"I don't want to save the children, or the whales or fight with Greenpeace. I don't want to move too far off my own shore." She fixed her eyes. "I want to do my work. I want to figure out what's going on with me and why I have these set of circumstances, these friends, these family members and experiences--- first. Knowing this sets my direction."



"And you tell me you know."



"I know. I know they are here to patch me up, to make me better than ordinary, even if we both don't know it."



"What gives?"



"What?"

"I mean I don't think you are arrogant, plus I'm too drunk on your beauty and live in a dream world to our sexual possibilities to make a diversified decision. But you won't catch me saying I don't want to help the homeless or whatever, even though I don't begin to help them or whatever."

"I won't stand up and say it, I just don't feel bad not doing it."

"Heathen."

"For example if my experience needed me to help homeless people, because my own growth was tied into that experience, than yes of course. But my biggest problem is people stretching themselves or thinning themselves out like water for causes that have nothing to do with their own growth but more to do with the sins they feel they have and need to be healed so that they can get an A on the spiritual examination."

"I'm an idiot, but that seems like you are healing by giving, even if you haven't experience the same thing. People are still benefiting."

"If you are helping kids find water in Africa just to avoid the problems of your own family then you got a problem. You become afraid of staying home with yourself. You begin to use these off shore ideas just to distract. My whole thing is heal yourself first; these people and experience that are right here at home that are challenging. Forgiving them, than healing and finally opening up yourself so that these people can do the same thing in their lives. This is what's important. Your self is always the first Charity to give to."

"Do you at least get a T-Shirt?"

Thick Lines

you have evacuated the table
and laid your map down



the roads sit like a clock and you sit perplexed after you made it
drawn lines with thick emphasis

any moment you will accuse me of taking the shelter away



this map you've drawn with thick coatings


but you need me to hide from it.


and if not it will remain like a clock constantly turning your head.

Anthony comes in two's

"So I told her 'truth makes people responsible' and she said 'that's why people dread it, and of course don't want it."

"Right."

"You understand?"

"What?"

"You know what trips me out the most? I can't understand why typed language can be so different from voice."

"What?"

He shook his head for a moment. "I can talk to a woman for hours on the phone, right?"

"Ok."

"We can talk about everything from the fucking take over of the New York Times to the band 'Godspeed you black Emperor' but when we take it to any other form of communication that requires our fingers to do the talking all of a sudden the dialogue bends a little."

"What do you mean?"

"About what?"

"What do you mean, about what? What you just said?"

"OK, what I am saying is we say different things to people we know, OK? When it comes to typing to them than when we use our voice. You understand?"

"Um...I think so."

"You understand?"

"Of course we do, that's a known unknown. People are more comfortable when they can't see or hear the person."

"I get you."

"Ok."

"I get you. What I am trying to focus on is why? Why am I saying more risque shit when I don't see this woman? What is coming out of me that I am not revealing, that I am not understanding, that is not given the opportunity to become mature?"

"Mature?"

"Yes. There is thing in us that is not given a chance to properly mature. It's a toddler, right? Till we are typing behind a curtain then it is out in some fucking play land."


"What goes on in your head Anthony?"

"We are two people."

"What is your point?"

"I want to be one."

"Of course."

.

















very short story for purchase















explicit at times
















"

all the work is done down here


down here


on the hour



detailed

and

peerless




keep your theatrical piece to entertain





but this work is all there is






no need to traval far.

July 9, 2009

Walking Through When Doors Open





When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what’s there as that’s the only way to know. Even if it doesn’t seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go.


Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things.


These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold. There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations.


Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.









om

"Every one of us

is called upon, probaly many times to start a new life.
A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job...
And onward full tilt we go,
pitched and wrecked and absurdly
resolute, driven in spite of
everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another--that is surely the basic instinct...Crying out: High tide!
Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take
this life for what it is."














-Barbara Kingsoliver,
from Hight Tide in Tucson

Summer reading

what is to be said for all the bags of unused words that we have piled up.
piles of sentiments delivered in hushed tones





intricate superlatives and properly insulated nouns.

a very small novel was produced-- one that could light the senses.

but isn't fascinating?

isn't it?

it all goes away to playing in the sunshine

ice cream that melts and falls onto the sidewalk

disappearing from taste like the mirrored self at the end of a unfinished book

there are still the writings of the summer

I will bitch








but I will keep going.