i am duplicitous

it has taken me a thousand years to get here

you haven't read my biography

but you have witness its source

you haven't felt my pulse to see how I am alive.

instead you want to behold my tears

so

i am deceptive

duplicitous

i am wrong

but i have arrived at that state

i got in your car--

heedlessly

and you drove me there.

And you stare at me.

You needed me here,

you couldn't wait.

It is familiar.

Again i am double dealing

and it is familiar to you

and even just a little comfortable.

while I have laid out a map to be explored--each city available.

what work have you done?

other than architect this trip to the conventional where hypocrisy is the mayor.

purple

The sun snaps me awake

and for a moment

one scary second

i misplace my truth

and then it floods my little city.

its first roll with

its martler

its fuckin' A

its fist of fury

it crashes

it serenades

i am engulfed.

Me.

i am heavily fortified

so I believe

my gate runs along the edges

so what.

i am as porous as the sea

life still gets at me.

i still need to be believed.

I will accept my present moment.

It has given me exactly what I need and what I want

I will honor my past, it has authored this gift.

Slowie is tired

"I think it is a lot more deceptive than me."

"Is that possible?"

"Yes. She was focusing so hard on what means the most to him. Well if he can properly identify it."

"That's a problem in itself, most of the men you date has that issue."

"In almost all of the cases yes, and it is clearly designed that way by me. But I have you know that I have another life going on, where I'm looking for something more opposed, and this is one of those cases."

"Right, of course."

"Once she found his consistent love she talked about how she was just like it, she went on and on about how she had arrived at the same conclusions in her life. She probably added a Francis bacon quote as a part of an email signature..."

"But this type of shit is happening every 3 minutes in the city."

"Let me finish."

"OK. Alright, don't be aggressive....don't make me have sex with you."

"After this went on for awhile--now you have to understand that there was no drinks involved-- that alone raises the person's accuracy rating. Not saying they are smarter...just more accurate at being smart or dumb."

"Of course."

"After we get so far out into the land of tweed jackets and Albert Camus and after he was securely on board with her method of operation, she heads back. She heads back to the land of the imbeciles and eventually to a conversation of how highly sexual she is."

"Was that in the same hour?"

"Just about."

"Did he bite?

"Slowly at first he kind of stared over at me, trying to see if he could read this-- clear about face in my face."

"You didn't say anything?"

"I was tired."

"Tired?"

"Yes."

"Of course."

"Well he didn't read my disdain well and quickly began to drop his whole facade and warm up to her. All of that Kafka shit he said ends with the possibility of a woman opening her legs."

"I might have as well. I think I certainly would have."

"My point to all of this is.....what is my point?...I'm tired I think that's my point."

#003

I felt like the only one who thought something was wrong. You was just one highlighted example of these fissures that lead out into my open pain. Don't catch me incorrect, you wasn't a problem at all just a light that illuminated it in me.

It was tough to deal with, and I don't mean for me to deal with, because for a couple of years now it had forced itself to be clear in my mind. There was no doubt that it was invited but now had taken up a huge amount of my time. It is now what I wake up thinking about and it easily puts me to sleep at night.

It was crystal clear. Matter of fact I miss the ambiguity a little, because it was this fucked up lullaby that I warmed myself with. The distraction was my entertainment. But here I stand clear. For what? Other than to make you upset? To send you packing, because inconclusiveness remains your friend, your confidant, your lover.

Me the drunk who has sobered up and waits on the train somewhere and you who just takes it anywhere. Anywhere away from me, anywhere away from yourself. But don't worry it is my problem. I have become calm and clear. I'm sorry.

the beautiful and positive you are dragged towards

you are tricked to see.

the negative and the anguish

you gallop to be

you whistle and

decorate your body

only thinking you're free.

Anthony is discernible.

"Do you think I am too sensitive?"

"As far as male on male relationships I try not to even think about discussing, or if discussed, using that type of wordage when, yes! A man like you is too sensitive."

"How do you do that?"

"I don't know."

"Ok just hear me out this could sound strange."

"You're 'Anthony at the Station' I expect at least, askew."

"What is the fuckin' deal with me when it comes to sex?"

"How's that?"

"Sex."

"Right. I am clear on that part of the sentence."

"Look. I found myself stumbling into sexual relations with a few women, right? You understand so far?"

"Yeah I got it. Should I have asked for a disclaimer first? Because I really become leery about the..."

"Listen I think this is really interesting."

"OK."

"Alright?"

"OK."

"I found myself in this position where....where I can't stand being manipulated for sex. I find that having some sort of one night stand leaves me to analysis the shit with them, you know what I mean?"

"No."

"I have to confront them on what it means to our relationship. I as a gentleman cannot properly digest a fucking booty call without first discussing its meaning!"

"So what you are saying is that you are a woman."

"Well...I just don't know."

"Are these--on paper, temporary relationships? A venue that clearly allows everyone in the room to know that whatever is negotiated in here--from the bar, and the bathroom to the dance floor, is clearly on a clock? This relationship has a strong possibility of lasting no longer than this evening."

"See this is my point. This is starting to hit closer to home. Some of these woman are working in venues that don't necessarily constitute a one night sexual tête à tête, such as a museum for example, they use proper museum words pretending to be arrested by a Henri Matisse painting..."

"I don't think they're pretending."

"Well maybe not. Maybe in some cases they just gathered this knowledge fraudulently in years of Art History classes, and are using it for evil."

"I don't go to museums, but the last time I took a woman there she told me that a painting's pigment matched her skirt."

"How did that evening work out for you?"

"There was no manipulation needed."

"You and I are in two different cities of needed experiences."

"Maybe so but listening to you now I am starting to feel so dirty."

"Exactly. What is so fascinating to me is at what great length--a woman of all people, will go to architect a sexual experience."

"Like a guy."

"Yeah. It's like if I was thinking the same way, like most men do. I wouldn't notice it, or if I was only thinking a little less than her she could somehow convince me it was my idea all along and I would believe her. I believe I'm a cad for the simple fact that I'm a guy, and that is what guy's do; we manipulate woman for sex through any means necessary. But I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and now I have gotten behind that fuckin' curtain, man. I for the first time in my life have begun to head off a sexual situation. We eat dinner, we watch a movie, she might try and take that shit there and it ain't working for me. I don't feel it deep, you know? I get metaphysical on the shit rather than the derivative 'OK'"

"Yeah that's different. How good are you at this? You could be a circus act."

"I'm approaching 70 percent."

"That alone should put you in the top 5 percent of whatever fucking club that is."

"It has shoveled chaos out of my life at times."

"But I'm not sure if it helps in my further evaluation of you."

The correction

it IS a correction

when things are addled for me

it is a a clearing for you-- those I inter depend

it is a correction.

I need to see it that way...

Slowie likes monster trucks and the truth.

"So I am completely outside now."

"Ok."

"Yes...so I have on a Giambattista Valli ostrich feather and silk velvet and tulle dress that I picked up discounted at Barney's New York."

"You don't know what's going on in the world do you?"

"I'm not done."

"I also have on some Christian Louboutin shoes."

"Of course."

"But this is where everything gets interesting. I am completely outside now and my face and hair is in a thick cloud of exhaust from his truck."

"OK."

"This guy is picking me up in a monster truck!"

"What kind?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is it a Ford or Chevrolet?"

"I can't even get up into this thing!"

"So you attempted to get into it?"

"Well we were running late."

"Should I ask how you met him? Or will this expose a already thinning veil of sanity."

"He's an artist."

"What medium?"

"Graffiti."

"Of course."

"I like him. Even after he decides to ride over the cars on my block. He later told me he discovered a way to do it without shattering their windshields."

"I can dig that, your block has more German cars than Stuttgart."

"He tells me the truth."

"What? You don't get that from me?"

"You're good. But like others you're sort of a fake."

"What do you mean?"

"Your like a top that doesn't spin on your own. If I want you to be truthful and serious I have to keep spinning you. Once I stop engaging your well you go back to talking about your sad love life. My monster truck driving artist is constant. I like constant...well at times I hate it, but I need it. I need a constant something to be able to make a proper decision in my life.

"I see."

"On top of it all he doesn't feel it necessary to talk about his shit. Like he knows its a waste of time to give me things that will eventually work out on their own. He has cars to ride over."

"Is my love life sad?"

"Hello?"

#002

The coffee didn't taste the same anymore. I didn't need to keep trying it to see. I didn't need to do any of these substances to distract myself or keep me available for whatever damage she had for me or I had for myself. She made me smoke, drink and set the ground work for an emotional infarction. Nah she didn't, it was all me and what I expected to happen, but I have to admit it sounds good to project. I can't believe this place has all you can eat mussels on Thursday nights.

When we met here I was so open and exhilarated. It's funny what you give up when you meet someone new, it is like you sell everything you have and you spend the rest of the relationship trying to get it all back; all while being slowly choked. Yes this is my own doing.

I can see that I am tired. I am tired of being upset at the wrong person. I love this place. I love the music.