William doesn't want to be infected.

"I had to let it go."

"OK."

"I didn't want to be affected by anything anymore."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"You heard me."

"Not sure I did."

"I had too many things to be affected by in a day. I had too many things. I was trying to keep up with them. I was trying to go from lowest to highest. Or highest to lowest...whatever. I was trying to be properly bothered and panic by these things on a daily basis, but it was overwhelming."

"Not sure what we are...."

"Everything that bothers me. What I read online. What negative thing someone says, my financial worries, my dating worries, my career worries. My government fears.

"This restaurants lunch special menu."

"Just like tiny arrows attacking me every 60 seconds.I had to render it all useless. I had to stop being affected by it."

"Infected it seems."

"I had to drop all of it, you understand? I couldn't harbor any of it under my pillow for later. None of it. I either take all of it to cut into me, or leave it."

"Every 60 seconds?"

"Yes."

"OK."

"Not even one of these things was irritating enough to keep. Not one."

"OK."

"What I found is that they were all the same temperature. There was no higher or lower. You will be OK if you let them go."

"Ha."

"I know you will be OK. I know you will.......they were playing me. So I can't be affected by any of it anymore."

This life is awesome.

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Lanvin says it's ok.

"It's ok to have things going right in your life."

"Is it really?"

"It's designed that way, you know?"

"OK."

"Why don't you stop worrying about tomorrow, what's already happened. Everything is going to be perfect."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know you didn't."

"I'm just saying it is ok to accept happiness."

"OK."

"You can accept it."

"Right."

"It's yours. It belongs to you and it is all there really is."

Slowie hates his walk.

"I don't like the way he walks. His walk is terrible."

"Of course."

"He doesn't pay attention."

"What?"

"He doesn't pay attention. He swings his arms, he trudges. It's laziness. He lacks concentration."

"You mean his walking?"

"His walking is everything. It is my window into his ass. He is going to live in other peoples business because of that fuckin' walk and not his own. Can't you see that? Are you listening? You are so far away from home with a walk like that."

"You don't want anybody to be home."

"I do. I need people to be home at this point. I'm not looking to marry anyone, but they have to be home."

"They don't have to stay there?"

"At moments they can go out on their porch."

"You don't care."

"I care."

"You sure?"

"I can't stand his walk.

"OK."

"It is rude and haphazard."

"OK."

"It scares me to death."

Can you handle peace?

Do you want to understand or do you want peace?

William tells himself.

"Well."

"What?"

"Everything outside of this is connected to fear. It is connected to the same outlet."

"Right."

"Right here is OK."

"What?"

"No need to itemize. No.....need to catalog."

"OK."

"It should be treated the same."

"You tell yourself."

"I tell myself."

William needs a moving truck and some peace.

"I need to listen and not panic, you know? I just can't panic."

"Right."

"And listen intently."

"Right."

"You know?"

"I know."

"I'm nervous about it. I think I'm afraid--really, you know? A little. I have been strangled with bouts of hysteria just trying to calm down--stay calm. You know? Relax and listen.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Are you trying to calm down?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know."

"I have to shut this whole system down. I am trying to fire everybody that's in my head, because I can't hear."

"What?"

"It has been a fuckin' circus in there. Don't you feel the same way? I mean I can not continue to subscribe to this existence the way it is. You know? This existence is fucking screw up, it is a calamity. Don't you see that? There are no answers coming from it. I at least realize that now. I have to quiet my head and listen. I have to fire everyone in my mind and then wait. I have a million square feet in there and it is filled to the rafters with your problems and how I hate my boss, and should I walk the fucking dog, or will I be destitute this month, and can I eat burritos after eleven pm."

"Yeah that isn't a good."

"What?"

"Burritos."

"I don't want to panic anymore. I'm tired."

"I can understand that."

"I just want empty it all out and have delivered the only experiences my head needs."

"It won't make you interesting..."

"To people like you, no. But I will find another empty house bastard."

"What is it going to do?"

"A empty head?

"Yeah?"

"Like I said things will be delivered. There will be furniture in this mug. The shit will be quite minimal, orderly. Those looking will understand me better. I will utter complete sentences. I will stay focus and attentive while saying paragraphs that makes sense. I will start making sense. I will be happier, I'm sure. Be patient. I will help you figure out how fucked up you are, and untangle your ass from some stuff."

"I like my stuff."

"I know you do."

"My house filled to the rafters."

"Yes. You can't even get in there. You can't find a seat."

"Yeah."

"I can't see you and you can't see yourself."

You are a stranger here

i am tired of finding the road back
i am tired of disentegrating
i am tired

Slowie wants it back.

"For once I don't want this guy to leave."

"OK."

"Yes I understand what I've told you. I understand--clearly what my method of operation is."

"I know it by heart."

"I am paralyzed by this."

"You?"

"Me. It's interesting isn't? It is interesting how strangers can say things to you that is the most vulgar you have ever heard and you don't give a fuck, you laugh."

"I don't laugh."

"But someone who you thought cared about you--barely, maybe even used your toothbrush-- once, can say lesser things that captures all of the air in your lungs, makes your nose bleed, and then leaves you in the fetal position on the bathroom floor."

"Do I want to know this?"

"He said it was over."

"Did you even have an 'it' you seem to have an understanding that it was never going to be an 'it'. "   

"It was something that was now over. That is what matters to me."

"What does this mean?"

"I know I was a wreck this year. I worked like crazy. I ate less. I slept less. I took the whips rather than delivered them. I hated myself this year and had some sort of breakdown to be honest."

"No."

"Yes. He tried to fuck me, spent Friday drinking all of my Champagne ate all my Chinese food and set everything we own together on fire in the living room."

"You want him back?"

"I want him back."

"What are you going to do differently?"

"I don't know. He said mean things to me."

"And pushed you against the monkey bars."

"Listen, I realize I have been hard on him."

"You can be! And its OK to want more than cigarette burns on your back."

"I don't do that anymore."

"You need his support. You need support, but I understand that your breakdown scared him."

"What does it have to do with him?"

"It revealed too much of himself. He ran not because of you, but because of your state, He didn't sign up for that shit. It scared him into thinking about his own misgivings."

"What guy says misgivings?"

"This motherfucka' isn't built to support you, Slowie. "

"I don't need it."

"You need it. Even if it is from some bastard you're having sex with. That's the Slowie I don't know."

"I don't need it."

"You need it. He disparaged the shit out of you because you revealed him to himself. He wasn't built for that, but it is OK to have a breakdown. It is also OK to have someone you are sleeping with help you through it. You need to be in a relationship that protects your mind-- fuck everything else."

"I don't like you."

"I know."

"I want to go back."

"What?"

"I want to go back to not feeling. I want to go back to being a guy. Keeping love and compassion in my silk purse on the floor in the hall."


"You can't now."

"You can shut your face."

William wants to try something else.

"I don't want to die, but I'm chokin' here."

"On the food?"

"I have no other choice but to start trusting myself."

"I don't understand."

"There are two ways I can go. I don't want to go back though. I don't want to go where you are, working a job that is filling your blood with poison. Dating someone that is slowly pulling bone marrow through your eyes."

"I don't know what you heard."

"I have to start relying on myself."

"Huh?"

"I just have to try another way. I have to take this road. I have to try this new thing so I don't shrink. I don't get old. I don't get sick. I don't become hateful. I don't pretend to die again. It is getting boring."

"OK."

"What are you doing?"

"Eating. What? I don't want my food to get cold."

"Maybe it is not that serious."

A Tranquil Mind is not a Little gift.

"There is this glue that we are living in on a daily bases. It is this thick glue."

"Is it like a bowl of glue?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. Just thought I would get out ahead for once."

"I'm looking to get out of it a lot of times now."

"You mean like unglue yourself."

"What?"

"Take the glue off?"

"It happens a lot at work. It is like this gathering of confusion and When we are having a problem. When we are lazy, you know? The glue becomes this complaining. It becomes this coat we can put on to shield ourselves from commitment to what is presenting itself. It renders

"I am not a fucking Saint by any stretch of the imagination."

"Why do people say stretch of the imagination? That just doesn't make any sense to me."

Enlightenment is a demolition project.

William is back

"My biggest problem is trying to contain my brilliance."

"Are we to order our food first?"

"It is first this slowing down that day to day life has me doing ,and then this speeding up that my mind has me doing to capture truth. See? I found this awesome dude that I have to hold the fuck back just so you can recognize me."

"Wait what?"

"I have to first slow down to catch everyone else---to trudge through this life as anonymous as possible. Others have done it by choice, out of fear, out to grab normalcy."

"Right of course. I'm sure I understand."

"I quiet myself at a cost, you know?"

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know. Nothing quite fits anymore. I have been playing around with my mind and I found all of these awesome enhancements and I decided to use them. I can't get back to where you are though. I can't have them both. I have to bring this new self along."

"I just want you here to pay the bill."

"I have to bring this altruism with me."

"Just bring your credit card."