Lanvin has an answer for you.

"I don't think we know how to have a relationship. Maybe we truly are not suppose to."

"Huh?"

"We don't have a clue. I was one way to this person and another way to someone else. I have myself in so many pieces around the city, how can someone really know who I am? I couldn't take a moment to see what I believed in. I just needed five minutes of consistency."

"I have you as hot as fuck. Just wondering how that equates."

"Listen."

"I am."

"We don't know how to relate to anything around us. We don't know what any of it is there for. We are just reacting. On the defense once something presents itself without taking a moment to take it in and really see how to interact, and see what we are suppose to get out of it. Before someone invites me to their house. I have to see who is going to be there. I have to see if it will hurt me politically if I don't go. I'm on the defensive. If I decided to go I have to be on. I have to perform, with anecdotes and wit. I have to recall stories that really don't mean much to me. I am being evoked. I am being provoked."

"I consider that socializing. Or just get drunk in a corner."

"So just be there? For what?"

"What?"

"Why?"

"Its cordial. Makes people feel comfortable. I like looking at you."

"Should I make you feel comfortable?"

"Yeah. I'm scared otherwise.Like you going to make me start thinking and shit. Contemplating and emptying my mind of this Jambalaya of fakery I work so hard to gather."

"Yeah, you are."

"Come on these little things don't hurt you."

"They do."

"Ok."

"I do one thing and worry about five things associated with it. It is a chain reaction that leads to the next distraction. I don't have time to make a shape of myself before the dust is in the air again."

"Theses are little things in a long day."

"No."

"You make going over someones house seem like the Bilderberg."

"The event is little. But what it does to my mind is huge. It crowds my mind. I am giving it too much time. I decided to go after the cause of my problems."

"What does that mean?"

"I will be saying 'No' a lot more to protect myself. I'm looking for a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth."

"I 'm looking for a steak burrito, but why do I feel like I am in the gym right now."

"Well this is resistance."

"I assume this is just another very elaborate way to say that you are not going to my sister's party later."

"What gave that away?"

"What fuckin' upsets me is I can't even find how to be angry now. I mean I'm looking.You have to be more proficient at giving me something to attack."

Slowie doesn't want your flowers.

"I left him because he didn't make me addicted."

"What?"

"I had to go back to someone I can emotionally lose myself and fight in department stores with."

"Barneys?"

"It's not a relationship though, right? Not love or anything. In the first month I had addiction met for a bit, but in the second month I realized he didn't meet this level. I need my beach over run by drama."

"Right."

"But again it's not love or how he folds the laundry. It's addiction. I need to be in an unstable and unhealthy relationship. That's the draw. I don't care how lovely the flowers are.

"That sounds so sweet."

"I might leave someone to see if someone else can raise the intensity of this disrespect, but safe to say--I would return if that isn't met."

"Ok."

"I do it because I can't stop searching for that feeling. I tear through the wrapping paper and throw away what's inside.

"Very endearing."

"I'm so close."

"You might want to cut to the chase and just go out to dinner with pain."

"Then I could call the search off."

"For at least a month."

Anthony doesn't want to pay his cell phone bill.

"Telling people your unstable thoughts is overrated."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"You didn't hear me?"

"I said 'what'."

"When I would argue with my Ole man years ago he would say 'I can't read your mind' that use to bother me because I knew he knew what I was getting at. He knows what I'm going to say because we have been stepping all around whatever it was for years. He just wants me to say this 'it' so he can have his prepared response and go back to reading his paper and hoping I don't talk about this other 'it'."

"Ok."

"Communication is overrated. I think our life works better without it. Everybody already knows what the hell is going on in every situation, they are just pretending not to know."

"What?"

"It doesn't makes things more dramatic, when you discuss what is really going on with yourself; when you're being accountable for everything that is going on in your life. People cannot handle when you begin to operate your own dimmer switch of pain and joy. They believe you are introducing them to the unknown, the scary, the Boogey man. But who gives a fuck if they do, right?"

"Where are you heading with this?"

"I don't know. Hopefully lower cell phone bills and quieter times.

"You just don't want to pay your bill this month, right?"

"Well it seems a little higher than last month."

"So what are you saying?"

"You know what I'm saying."

0 + 0 = 0

1 x 0 = 0

everything is yours when everything is given away

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss. Love is painful because it transforms; love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence fear arises. And leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. The fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

And because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

It is because of the pain of love that millions of people live a loveless life. They, too, suffer, and their suffering is futile. To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. To suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. To suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle.

-osh0
love, freedom, aloneness

without action

inspiration

i sit in confusion

pieces

unclear

jagged and edgy

there is trouble catching my breath

without inspiration i am nothing.

when I move through the guided will i am clear.

Everything is quiet.

I know.

William walks the dog in stages.

"Inertia is all I have."

"OK"

"We are people walking around just doing things."

"OK."

"That's it. I just see a person that I am attracted to, all I have is this drive to start up a conversation. From where? Based on the way they look?

"That's a good beginning I would say."

"You see what I'm saying?"

"I'm not sure."

"It's just this inertia. This propelling. What I'm saying here is just an example. It is like that for everything that I just don't connect with but feel another part of myself just reacting to.

"I'm sorry. I just haven't had my breakfast yet."

"I am just reacting. I'm not truly connecting to these things. I think I am. I am wayward though. Everything I can possibly say to this person is going to be right down here where that reaction is generating from. That is where this situation goes wrong. I have to quiet myself down and allow this experience to give way to something of more importance."

"OK?"

"I'm just standing at a bus stop observing."

"OK"

"Observing till I am reacting and then I am observing that until there is a connection in my mind and then I am interacting with this person until there is a revelation."

"Walking the dog must pose a problem for you."

"Yeah I guess so."

William is the new William.

"Happiness is the new happiness."

"I'm sorry?"

"Sadness use to be the happiness for me. I fought for it on the playground and then took it to the prom."

"OK."

"But I'm finding it is OK to feel peace. I find it is OK to be content, happy. In fact I find it to be a goal."

"A goal?"

"Yes. I find that not having business is OK. Not having drama saturating my life is actually something I can be OK with. I don't even need yours either. I'm OK sitting quietly waiting on the next peaceful thought."

"Sounds like it makes sense right?"

"Sounds like it right? But people are uncomfortable with it. It bothers them. You come across not giving a care. You bludgeon them with indifferences."

"Well something has to be wrong, right? You got to still have problems."

"No. No problems. The only problems is that you think there is a problem. Your only problem is people needing you to have problems. You even upset people not having them. They disdain you for not being bothered."

"You're bothering me."

"I'm confusing you as well."

"Right."

"Happiness is the new happiness."

Slowie easily works.

"If I can't manipulate I can't live."

"Your face helps."

"I still have to do this to people so I can feel comfortable."

"Your legs assist."

"Those that can't be manipulated like Nicholas scares me to death. If I can't usher him into a pen with methods of manipulation then what is there, right? How would I be able to understand them?"

"Talking is ruled out?"

"I don't know who I'm talking too. When I talk to people it's like I'm talking to myself. I know very well what manipulates me, so I just exercise this on others. With Nick it doesn't work. he seems to be freely thinking. He is unleashed or something."

"You still have your walking arsenal."

"It's like everything was connected to one thought system and he abandoned it all. Not even a part of it works. I don't think it could not work.It is like the complete opposite of what I do."

"You work at manipulation?"

"It doesn't take much work."

"OK."

"It's a guide."

"What does that say about me?"

"Can you go get me some more coffee?"

"Right away."

your shoes on the stairs.

over our time

200 shots

in the end

your last photo never came out

it didn't advance or something.

old camera new film

dimly lit

not posed

we posed

in the end it only remains in my head

if you hate me

i want you to know that you do.

Lanvin just wants to know.

"The debarkation line has moved."

"Huh?"

"Any friends I have acquired from grade school up until yesterday have lost their potency."

"That would include me."

"Right."

"OK."

"I want to know what it is like to want to see you, or even what it is like to want to talk to you."

"What?"

"These relationships I had previous to today were relationships where I had no choice but to be involved. I didn't pick anyone of my own volition."

"Including me?"

"Including you."

"I think I'm cut now. I thought we choose our friends?"

"They are chosen for us."

"Ok."

"I realize that all of my relationships are made up;and they have unusable ingredients. Especially the people I considered close. Especially those. Because my need is greater with them, and by removing it I find that I am not as misplaced as I thought. I'm actually whole. Removing my investment, removing my need to search for pain, or comfort from pain, I have taken away 99% of my desire to participate in a friendship and instead observe what it is there for."

"Having breakfast here with me must be painful."

"Not till I've eaten the eggs."

"OK."

"I just wanted to know what it is like to really want to see you."

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.

rumi

it can be weary

They are purpose first.

they are purpose first

a hard and anxious guide for a reluctant self.

unpretty

easily--first admissible

but eventually--through a discovered desire-- bulging and full of wonderful

then a movie date

silly moments

with bellowed laughs

and tenderness

that comes

but they are purpose first.

wonder lost.

see if the plot finds me

not the anxiety driven

forced participatory

and the constant constant of this world

I'm done

after finally running a ground

i now stare out of the window and hold my hands

i wait

no searching, though that is ancient

wonder lost

the plot will find me.

and I will find the wonder.

William is in observance.

"I'm not motivated anymore by something good happening to me or something bad happening to me."

"OK."

"And everything at work has become completely uninteresting."

"Is that your horoscope for today?"

"I'm not sitting around waiting for the result of things, is what I'm saying. It could be the most wonderful thing that happens to me. The most astonishing. But all I want to do is observe. I can't help but just observe. "

"You sound like you're on vacation."

"The absolute same thing goes for something macabre. Something unsettling or troubling. I rather just witness."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about not doing a goddamn thing. I'm tired. I'm tired of of doing the wrong thing so I don't want do anything anymore. I don't know about you but I've fucked up when it comes to decision making. I'm tired of compromises. Every decision I make has trails of pain. I want decisions made that has no effects. So I don't want to make them anymore. I want to sit my life out on account that I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

"This isn't one of those situations where I will be the last person you talk to before you step out of your window on the 12th floor, because I am not trained in any form of prevention."

"No. I know not to trust you with that."

"But what are you talking about 'sittin' this life out?' you can see how it is not making any sense. I mean even for you."

"I am just trying something different, right? I don't know about you but I'm looking. I see that something is wrong, OK? If you can't see it that's on you, I see something in my day to day that is clearly not satisfying and I want to try something else."

"OK. But that's what sounds crazy to me. I've never heard anyone talk like that before....well maybe I haven't noticed. If anything isn't it my job to let you know that you are about a mile out from the deep end?"

"I don't know what your job is. I for once am only concerned with mine."

"OK."

"The sign that my plan is working is that I am feeling more peace already. I am relaxed. No decision making has been the greatest thing I could have ever done."

"But....how can you go through life not making decisions. You see how insane that sounds?"

"Easily. Can't you see that life is happening to you? As soon as you wake up your phone rings or someone is at your door, or at work something is handed to you. I don't say stop basic mechanics. You can still say hello and do your fuckin job. I just say when you have to think. When you really have to think about something important, wait. Take a breath and let that answer come to you. Sit that moment out. Something will come. Let your brain and your body do the blue collar work, but spend most of your life observing. I don't know, try it."

"Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know. Somewhere better than here."

"You're insane."

"Yes."

"The hopeless emptiness; Plenty of people are on to the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness."

-John Givings, Revolutionary Road

William invests with no returns.

"It would give you peace and allow you to be present."

"How's that?"

"I've made some poor investments into people. I should go ahead and say that I should not have invested at all. But that's a lot to ask, right? I can start this type of conversation with you right?"

"Huh?"

"What I realized is that once there is no investment anymore with a person, for example, once you have removed your need for whatever it is you need from them; sex for comfort, mutual depression, mental abuse, food, just plain distractions from any supposed flaw you carried forward from your family. Once you have dug it all out of them--these rancid terrible stocks that you have buried deep into a person from day one. Once you have woke up and grabbed these dusty stocks, healed them and watched them dissolve in your hands, you begin to see a behavior--not a person, and then how you use to be dialed into it. You also begin to see that this person has buried something in you as well. You find that you both were not in a relationship but instead hiding out to protect your bad investments. You're on the lamb."

"Ok. Sounds like corporate malfeasant."

"Right. It is the only crime you can truly commit."

"What's that?"

"The crime of investment of course."

"You can't be serious with that conclusion."

"Why?"

"Crime of passion would have made me at least turn the page."

"Have you been listening? That was my point."

"What?"

"It's really crimes of fear."

"Investments for returns in this life is how things are done. You do just about everything to get some sort of return."

"Right. I understand. I am familiar with how it's always been done. But what I'm saying, if you want to relax, bring your voice down to a whisper, sleep through the night, see your life as if you're sitting in front of a stream, you will see that having great expectations can be an error."

"But you know that this will never happen? Plus I have a million dollars worth of 'hate stock' in a close friend of mine."

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Huh?"

"No expectations gives you peace. I personally have experienced this. I didn't discuss the degree of difficulty because it's not as you think."

"Right?"

"Do you see where I am coming from?"

"Yes. But still what you are asking is arduous. And I really don't even know what your asking. I barely know what we are talking about? I'm distracted."

"Of course."