You are drawn to people who give you an opportunity to play out a role that has value for you. It may be comfortable or uncomfortable, but it’s a role you value. You avoid people when you find yourself falling into a role you don’t want to play anymore. And you “outgrow” a relationship when you no longer want to play the role or roles you play in that relationship. In ego, there is no way to avoid the past.

William is not a curator.

"Have you ever spent an hour or so preparing a meal and then as you loaded an entire plate with this food it all drops on the floor?

"Yes."

"Well you have to be careful. That has never happened to me."

"What?"

"I'm bothered by intellectual relationships."

"OK."

"I want one that is tactile."

"You won't get one using words like that."

"Intellect can make a relationship a museum. You spend most of your time in the beginning discussing your idea of how it should go, what philosophies you are going to use to hold it together, while not realizing that you are now in it. That it is meant to be driven but by something more powerful and out of your brains control. But you've decided on architecting this sterile environment. Calibrating it all intellectually and until you feel it has begun. Then you now have to hold all of this in place because people will be touring it."

"You've thought about this."

"I have."

"OK."

"Calibration, architecture. All this to avoid something soft, vulnerable, emotional, tearful and love extracting. It is such a warm opportunity, such a vulnerable state and such a strong and powerful witnessing. An opportunity for something ever expanding and instead we try to build something intellectual that's also a carriage for other peoples inspiration as we hold it still so it can be toured."

"Who wants to witness all of that bloodletting. In a museum no doubt."

"I know. Who wants too? I want to be tactile though. I want to be touched. I want to touch. I want to stop thinking. Stop processing. Done with taking my cerebellum out for a walk so that my friends can comment on how cute her little coat is."

"Your dog's name is cerebellum?"

"Well thinking is a bitch."

Real love can never end; nothing in this world could possibly terminate it. If a relationship disintegrates beyond repair, then the truth is that there never was a relationship, only two egos competing for specialness. If it seems that love cements a relationship and later on it falls apart, there was little love there in the first place. Love is eternal, constant and ever-expanding. It is not possible to terminate love. However, it is quite possible to abort a special relationship that no longer sustains the pseudo-worthiness of its participants.

"The moment between before and after is called truth."



Katagiri Roshi

Slowie explodes with love.

"Just tired of hearing someone tell me they love me."

"I only say it when I am about to come."

"Listen!"

"I am."

"Nobody means that shit. But the body doesn't lie. A person's interactions with you doesn't lie."

"That's bullshit."

"No."

"It is."

"No."

"I don't know."

"You can tell when you are with the 'love exhausted' people who are done using that word. They are so relaxed that it doesn't even matter anymore. They are hanging out with you and they are not driving something or someone, somewhere. They are fucking relaxed. So relaxed something is spilling out of them, something precious and special. Something youthful and beautiful. Love is getting through the physical; it's sneaking out and making things miraculous."

"You believe that?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Ok."

"It is like you given up on it, completely. You've relaxed. You've stop giving it your definition and then it just escapes through your body--overcoming you, all over someone nice."

"Are we talking about ejaculation?"

"No."

"OK."

Lanvin believes from the get-go there should be no overlap.

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I didn't say anything."

"No relationship interferes with another one unless you are holding on to something in it that doesn't work from the get-go."

"What does 'get go' mean?"

"The time at which something is suppose to begin."

"Right of course."

"There is no overlap."

"So if I am having sex with subject A..."

"Sex will always be your exhibit right?"

"Right."

"OK."

"So if I am having sex with subject A and someone else comes into my life--well subject B-- with which from the get-go I want to have sex with them, than that cancels out sex with subject A?"

"If with subject A you two have fooled yourself into to thinking that your sex was suppose to be happening between you,rather than something else that supports your relationship. And if Subject B is truly and honestly desired and reeks of compatibility through the physical than yes."

"Um ok."

"No relationship cancels another one out, unless you are using the--said relationship improperly."

"Huh?"

"What?"

"I get it. I get it. No relationship runs ruck shod over another one unless there was nothing there from the get-go."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"You understand."

"Would you like to have some sex tonight?"

"of course not."

"I had you as Subject B."

"Of course you did."

William will vet you and he won't shovel your walkway.

"This isn't the 60's people don't have a good excuse for getting involved or marrying people on one or two reasons."

"What?"

"Listen. My parent's married because they were in the same religious denomination and my father thought she was cute. That's it. That's fucking it. They have lethargically taken that 40 plus years."

"There was more to it."

"Listen. I only know this, because when I go see them those two things have clearly disappeared and they are like two people who are standing around holding on to just the nostalgia; just the years.They are strangers to themselves. You know? Never given the opportunity to vet themselves properly, those 40 years ago."

"Right."

"I saw a couple out digging their car out yesterday. He's digging the front out. She's digging the sides out. It is a snow day. 20 plus inches. We are all paralyzed right? They are out immediately after it has stopped. They are not laying on some bed together, sitting on the floor playing Parcheesi. They are out here like robots. The snow has given you an opportunity to connect. There is no excuse in this fuckin' day and age when you have so many ways to vet people to perhaps be trapped with. There's social networking sites, instant messages, email, where you go up one side of a person and come down the other long before you even meet them and become arrested by their energy. If you get stuck with someone you decided to move in with because her ass could hold up a tray of glasses with milk in them, then you are setting yourself up."

"Vetting. vetting for what? What are you looking to hire someone into your life like Common Wealth Edison?"

"I'm looking for excitement, not banality or trying to achieve some sort of cultural perfection that my family, friends and co-workers can be proud about. Fuck that. I am looking to flow with what I am given. That is when life gets exciting. I don't want to stand out in the middle of the street trying to dig out a car when the snow outside is creating a beautiful atmosphere inside."

"But I like a woman who can hold up a tray of glasses with her ass. That shit sells tickets."

"And I need to know what someone is thinking. I need to know that this person is humble, at least know where their love is. There is no excuse that two people have barricaded themselves into a relationship, which has surrounded each of them by 20 foot high drifts. This should only happen unless they have made it happen to extend love to each other. Hopefully you've chosen correctly by then."

"I see."

"I hope you can."

Anthony is looking for much more than his change back.

"There is the woman behind the register at the market that makes me feel uncomfortable."

"What am I your mother and you need me to come up to the school for you?"

"I don't know If it makes sense."

"What?"

"The things I bring to the counter, she criticizes. She smiles about it. She says things like 'You know you could save more money by buying the smaller apples in a bag rather than these big ones individually.' A week earlier she didn't like the olive oil I set in front of her, or how I was buying chips without the dip. I explained I like the chips without dip. I enjoy them better. I don't like my chips disturbed by anything."

"What is the point of the ramble."

"I like her. I want to take her out."

"What?"

"She is many many cities away from attractive. A train would get her there in 6 hours, but there are no trains headed there from her city."

"That is generally my first rule. I guess you would have to reside in the city of attraction and own an apartment there before we could go to the movies."

"I like the fact that she has an opinion and doesn't mind using it. Generally going into markets I expect to stay anonymous. I expect to take my jar of mayonnaise up to the counter and have some sort of dead conversation, or some sort of pretend conversation that just carries us through the check out process. I'm not expecting someone to take in my purchase long enough to make poignant suggestions."

"Is that what's going on? Don't you think she's annoying to everyone? She's just a busybody. She lives in a one room apartment. This job is her soap box. She would be dead without this job."

"No. She has revitalized my belief in humanity."

"What? Over an expired bottle of mayonnaise you've found Queen Boudicca of the Iceni?"

"I like to be told what to do."

"You do? Is she at least right?"

"Not most of the time, no. I just like that she still gives her opinion even though she is wrong or unclear of all the facts. She has passion and conviction about something and her job is not depending on it. You put her in another correct environment she would thrive."

"If she was beautiful this conversation would have been rendered mute. I would also buy my groceries there."

"I just like the idea that she cares enough to say something, breaking up the usual expectant placid exchange."

"You're desperate."

"I am. For something much more than mayonnaise. Something much more heartfelt. I am always on the look out for it."

"OK. Remind me never to stand behind you in a store."

Slowie doesn't want to lease her orgasm

"I should of got a DFUIO"

"There is an 'FU' in there."

"What?"

"I don't know."

"That stands for 'Driving Formally Under the Influence of an Intense Orgasm' and it didn't come inside of a relationship. There was no clinking of glasses at a dinner reception"

"I'm trying to eat."

"Listen!"

"OK!"

"I'm determined to own love and sex outside of the worlds fucking definition, because I'm going to have a good time. There is no need to be in a relationship. There is no need to be married."

"Can you believe they have mussel soup here with meatballs and cheese in it."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm listening. You want to own love and sex."

"I want to feel love the way I want to feel it. I don't need your disclaimer. I want to have sex the way I want to have it. I don't want your interpretations."

"I didn't do anything."

"I want to be with whoever the hell I am attracted to physically and let that guide the way. "

"OK."

"My orgasm is more intense because of this. My love is more prevalent because of this."

"I didn't say it wasn't. I don't know what we are talking about."

"The people I choose is my business. Based on my internal decision. I want to be the owner of Love and sex's definition when it comes to the experiences it gives me."

"I want to know if they are using thyme in this soup."

"What!"

"I'm listening. You want to be the author of all your experiences."

"Wow."

"See."

"No. You're really going to eat that?"

I am not a hero

I am not the hero anymore

everything is so quiet

so quiet.

So quiet that I can see myself coming apart, peeling away as if glued, and sustain by just nimble pressure.

my mind was its ally and it has let up

it has unraveled to reveal this vaguely familiar self. Cloudy, not made out yet.

but quiet.

Pieced together not by my thoughts and my past

but my present experiences.

I'm not a hero anymore

not a hero in my architected dream

or held by the pressure of the future and the glue of the past.

free to the unknown--welcomed by my inspiration.

Love

treat them

treat them with what they give you

Don't go looking.

Don't go digging

heal them with love

William wants to be off track.

"I don't know."

"What?"

"It's just out of a relationship I continue to look for the same ingredients for something that will not work again. I can't shake that philosophy of thinking. Every person who enters I try to size them up for that impossible...that horrendously flawed model, and then tossed them out for not meeting it."

"I would hate to see you at a bar."

"Ah."

"You're a victim of confusion."

"I am missing what works. I can't hear or see what works, because I get back on track. A track to nowhere. A track that I am rattled along on filled with depressing cars and hateful speeches."

"Is that how you judge it?"

"I judge that's it. I judge everything like I know what's best for me. I don't have a clue. Lost. The only thing that matters is what is being handed to me right now. I should hold that precious. Precious before my big brain gets started trying to denounce it because it doesn't quite fit anything on the track."

"So what are you saying?"

"I don't know."

"All those words made me feel like I was on a ride at an amusement park. You know something."

"I don't want to be on a track. I don't want to spoil what's right in front of me especially if I am attracted to it. Whatever it is."

"Sounds like a destination, though."

"Yeah, one I don't have to leave home to get too."

not guiding.

I don't seek out

I have found a way to wait

opening

to moment

stepping back when needed;

no silly sudden ideas

it is the water

a quiet flowing

soft and quiet

or succumbing and invading.

"It's not the cheating it's the hunger. The hunger for an alternative, and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness."

-Sarah

Lanvin will not take your coat.

"You can't find any poured concrete."

"How's that? This is my trick ear."

"When someone comes into my life there is no surface to put anything down on. They have to stand there with their coat on."

"I never factored in your rudeness."

"People are looking to settle in. They are looking to disappear, or coast on a history of fantasy relationships that Movies, their family have handed down to them. they are hoping their reputation of living a life uninspired can easily precede them."

"Travelling to a new relationship easily brings baggage."

"No."

"Yes."

"I don't want your bumper sticker covered crack plastic suitcases."

"If I was Slowie I would say Louis Vuitton. But I am not so I would say that you were correct."

"People want to put their stuff down. The are looking for concrete so they can relax. They can sit down and steady themselves so complacency gradually over take them. They are looking for the familiar."

"And you are making them keep their coat on. Stand there slack jawed even? With their heavy bags in hand. I thought the wolves raised you better than that."

"Stand right fucking there. It is where I have their attention. It is where we are alive."

The most difficult challenge we can possibly face is the act of surrender, the unconditional acceptance of what is. This is releasing control. This is the ultimate humility born from the truthful acknowledgment of not-knowing.

Enlightenment is a demolition project. We cannot get there without dismantling everything we think we know. It is about unlearning everything that keeps us tied into believing we must maintain control. Ego-release removes every block to awareness of Love's presence that inhibits us from experiencing and knowing Love, Peace, Joy, and abundance. this is our identity and our purpose.

Slowie wants to know what affection is.

"I don't know how to use affection properly. I should say I don't truly understand it."

"Please, please just let me drink my coffee."

"I think like sex I've learned to be an actor with it. I use holding hands to manipulate a response out of someone."

"This conversation could scar me."

"Hold on."

"OK."

"Affection though seems to be much more arduous than sex. It seems to require more attention and purposely lacks an immediate goal. It is such a sensitive undertaking. It is such a soft and warm venue. I don't know."

"What?"

"Well sex generally has a goal, right?"

"I know. I was just saying 'what' huh?"

"Affections main goal seems to keep you present, it doesn't have a co-star. It just require attention to what your feeling and expressing right in that moment. It doesn't need an explanation. Something just wants to spill out of you unmonitored."

"But let's just hold on here, you can use it to get a waitress--who is mind you--is here today, to have mutual oral explorations confined to areas about the face with you in a car behind a bookstore."

"Please, please no specifics."

"So how do you ruin it?"

"I use holding hands to manipulate."

"Right."

"I figure I have to stop moving, now. I have to let go. I am desiring a release to some actors contract."

"That could only lead to vulnerability."

"I just want to understand affection."

"Just sounds like when it comes to someone, you just need to let it spill out unmonitored."

"If they can be present, quiet and resolute enough. And just honestly hold my hand."

"I think I'm going to cry."

"I want too."

William needs a ride.

"I lost all of my friends because I didn't do the continuation game."

"Not sure I want to ask."

"I didn't!"

"Not sure if you have to be adamant about something when I don't know what your talking about."

"I didn't call one of them. But I have taken their call. But the key is I didn't give them what they wanted, and afterwards I didn't try to continue future conversations by meeting them a few days later."

"I'm sorry?"

"I didn't play any continuation games with them."

"We've established that part."

"Listen. I woke up to these conversations my so called friends were having with me. They were calling to lob accusations at everyone else in their lives except themselves. These conversations were labor intensive. Large amounts of wasted carbon dioxide. And with continuation it would continue from the phone to coffee downtown, to the bowling alley uptown. It would continue like a pedway that broke its belt."

"The pedway would stop wouldn't it?"

"In theory I guess."

"What kept you."

"I was invested. It was job security for me. You take away every troglodyte and I am useless. I needed to hear that incessant whine so that I could feel in service. My advice was at least taken like a pamphlet on the street and discarded blocks away so they could later grab another one sitting at a cafe with me later in the week. I needed them. And now well, I don't."

"Without this no ones wants to ride with you?"

"No. Nobody wants to talk to a person who has them face their own music, because he had to. Nobody wants the Merry-Go-Round to stop. Fuck that."

"Yeah there's elephant ears and cotton candy to eat."

"What?"

"Thought we were using a amusement park metaphor."

"Everybody wants to ride."

"What does that mean for me?"

"Well you're my ride home, of course."

Through our vulnerability we find strength and its source.