I don't know what my own best interests are in one situation after another.

Anthony is a dictionary version.

"I haven't committed to a Goddamn thing!"

"What?"

"I just didn't have a clue about walking out the door and going to work or meeting people."

"What are we talking about?"

"You know what we are talking about? Don't you?"

"No."

"I won't start living until I committed to something."

"Relationship?"

"Relationship? I can't even get close to another person until I figure this out first. I don't know what commitment is. I have to go with a feeling. I don't have fucking clue. Nobody does, but they quickly come up with an answer. It is defintley not Merriam's definition--- an obligation, promise, etc that restricts one's freedom of choice. A commitment is showing up. for your job, relationship...hobby...."

"What is the difference? Your committed to doing these things."

"You have me committed like a patient. Or you have me obligated, right? Trapped into finishing a statement I either made in a church or a coffee house."

"You love it."

"I don't understand that either."

"Of course."

"Yes."

"What are you saying?"

"I have to be committed. It has to belong to me."

"It does."

"It doesn't. My dictionary commitments are all over the place. I don't know what it is"

"You've said that."

"Do you understand what this means?"

"You've been lying?"

"I need to commit to myself. And I would actually become visible. "

"What?"

"I do this and it is like I just materialize. I come into perceptible existance...."

"What?"

"This is what the dictionary says. If I really commit to something that I'm truly attracted to....instead of half ass-ing the shit out of it--..."

"I don't do that."

"You do that."

"Of course."

"If I committ...."

"Say that one more time."

"If I committ no matter what abuse I take, from you or anyone else than I finally become visible...."

"Present--existing or occurring at this time of now."

"Right."

Anthony looks for the bad.

"I want something to really be bad."

"What?"

"I will wait for it."

"Not sure..."

"Right here. I don't think the things that are bad....are bad. I mean I've been looking. I've fevered them out."

"Ok."

"I've created them now that I think about it. I've fucking created them!"

"Nothing to get excited about."

"I've sought them out so intensely that I've created them. I've willed them into existence."

"Why?"

"What?"

"I don't know where I was going."

"There isn't any, right? I am looking with intensity and I still can't find any so I create them. I can't find any right now, right in this moment, so I drive out to create them."

"Doesn't sound like a good hobby."

"No."

be in a relationship where you make an agreement to learn about love.

Anthony is checking your reaction just to know that he's alive..

"I continue to believe that no one knows what the hell they are doing."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I just said what."

"I don't know. It's like people ain't livin'. They are just going around pressing buttons constantly checking to see if they are alive."

"Ok."

"I mean they are being assholes or being overly nice and checking your reaction. They're running around doin' this shit all day."

"You think?"

"With both things they don't give a real shit about you."

"I thought they did."

"They don't mean to hurt your feelings."

Anthony is wondering why you are reading that book.

"Why are people reading books on the train?"

"I'm sure you're going to tell me why?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"It's just these placid faces. It's these dead stares they have. They are sitting still and reading these books."

"I would do the same on a moving train."

"It's just a deadness. I want to ask them why they are reading what they are reading and why. I can see it's fiction, I can see that most of it is action."

"What is so interesting about people reading books on a train? Seems pretty normal don't you think."

"I don't think it is in this case. I can feel that it's different on this train ride."

"Ok."

"It is as if they are reading about lives that intensely better than themselves."

"Yeah."

"But they know it. They realize this."

"Yeah

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"I don't know. I just can't imagine someone reading about our life."

Nicholas wants to disappear

"The only fucking thing I want is peace. I'm not saying this because it's cool to say or it's some spiritual proclamation."

"I didn't say anything.

"I know you didn't"

"Ok."

"I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be seen at all. if I pick something up. If I admire something, I have just gave away my position. I have just open myself up to ridicule, manipulation, hate. Venomous shit."

"What are we talking about here."

"I don't know. I mean we are talking about surrender and disappearance. Or just standing there. Just standing there, when someone is looking you over for anything they can use against you. Whatever your favorite thing is, the things you covet. The position you want to hold. Give all of that shit up."

"Ok"

"I found I don't even want it. I found I want it because they want it. I can give a shit about it really. The only thing I want is peace and quiet. I just want to hear myself not think."

"Ah."

"Yes."

"Giving it up makes you almost disappear right in front of them. I don't want it."

"Do you want that chocolate crawler?"

William needs the process.

"I think they like the drive there."

"What?"

"I think they live for the travel."

"You preach about that all the time."

"I do."

"What?"

"I know I do. We have agreed that there is something there. We know that there is something precious about the process."

"Ok."

"Both of us want it. One wants to rip the page out, chew and then swallow it. They don't want you to see it. They don't want you to be alone with it. The other person needs to sit with it--be alone with it. Needs to own it."

"What?"

"One of them knows there is no process. They need to keep it a secret till they get comfortable"

Anthony at the sea.

"Its a tight grip."

"What is?"

"Some of my friends have this damn tight grip on their life. You can see it in their face when I'm sitting with them."

"Where?"

"I don't know anywhere."

"Here?"

"I don't come here."

"Ok."

"They are sitting there, trying to relax but instead going back and forth from victim to hood. They have this fucking white knuckle grip on their life that has their heart beating so fast. They look frazzled and distant. They look disheveled and spacey and can't see it."

"I know disheveled."

"I should be a mirror."

"What?"

"I feel like I'm sitting on rocks at rough fucking seas. I can see the possibilities of calmness though. In my mind I can feel the serenity, but right now the shit is lapping, it's getting on my pant legs."

"What is it again?"

"It's this grip. They have to let go of."

"They don't have to do anything."

"No, they don't have to do anything.

"Right."

"Depending on what's currently going on in their lives their grip is the cause of it. That tight anxiety filled grip."

"Whatever is needed, it is arising spontaneously to meet whatever the needs of the moment are."

mooji

Slowie doesn't want your life.

"I don't want their lives."

"What?"

"I just don't want their lives."

"Ok."

"I just found that I listened to a whole lot of bullshit just to get to what I wanted--that sensation. That fucking orgasm. I listened to their damn politics and religion and other shit, just so I could feel good. And you know what?"

"I can't say that I do."

"When I finally snapped out of it. When I was finally done with my desire for them, or their shit became so overwhelming I found I didn't like their life. I wasn't comparable to them. I didn't like their toilet paper from CVS or that book bag they carried or the way they sat or walked."

"Your down in the marrow."

"I found that our entire interaction was based my addiction to feeling fucking good. It was like the only one hearing the dog whistle."

"Dog does come into play."

"What?"

"But your transient though, right?"

"Yeah, I like to come and go. But not when I want to play the game of a relationship. Not when I want to be somewhat serious. Not when I want to pretend that I have a boyfriend when my friends are around or I need someone on my arm for the season. I want that to be someone that is a little more. But I see that is a rouse. I see it again comes down to my addiction to feeling fucking good. Like peanut brittle on a Saturday afternoon."

"You don't eat that."

"I do."

"Sir Francis from Dean & Deluca?"

"Judy's"

"Ok."

"I don't want their lives because they belong to someone else. I could've figured this out early on but I didn't give a shit in the beginning of the relationship."

"Because you were addicted to feeling fucking good."

"Yeah. I was."

William is now free of contradictions.

"There are so many contradictions when I get out of the now."

"The what?"

"The now. The moments before you start driving that life bus."

"Right, ok."

"You don't know what I'm talking about."

"I do."

"God, I can make some statement about what I don't like or do like at 8 in the morning that turns into the direct opposite by 1 pm. I am constantly unsure throughout the day. It's insanity and based on the next commercial I see."

"Commercial?"

"Just showing how easily a so called philosophy can change."

"I guess."

"You don't know what I'm talking about."

"I do."

"Even those who are stubborn. People who like to give off that 'they are the same assholes for years', but in their head their philosophy is changing, but because they fear what people will think--the perception of others, they play the tape of their usual behavior. They are generally trapped."

"Maybe so."

"The trick is realizing that your fucked up. Your insane. You're a freeway full of daily contradictions, and the direction you get right now saves you."

William is out on that road.

"I just think with everything that's goin' on people just need a hug."

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"I don't know."

"I see people as a little lonely."

"Little?"

"I feel everything we are doing is looking for some sort of connection, no matter how distant it first seems."

"What do you mean?"

"Especially those that are wrapped up in their work, those who have used the pursuit of knowledge as a ruse. I just can't help but think that. I just see it."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just think a lot of people are sad. They know what they are looking for, but they just don't have a clue about the means. It's like they are driving without a map."

"Are you talking about yourself?"

"I am in a way. Least I'm aware of it I guess. Least I'm aware that I have been painfully confused. Lost in the stink of life, all while looking for just a little something beautiful. Just a little till it can turn into something bigger. Everything that I do is looking for acceptance. Looking to be back at what's finally familiar."

"Nothing here is familiar?"

"Nothing. Only when something on the outside sparks me in the right direction on the inside."

"Right."

"Connecting. Finally connecting is what a million different directions is doing just looking for one."

William is afraid.

"Only go with what's moving"

"What?"

"I got to go with what is moving on its own in my life. I cant try building cities."

"I think it would be tough to build a city."

"I only want to serve what's moving. I don't give a shit if it's negative. If it it is the only thing raising its hand in my life I want to give it attention."

"Negative?"

"Well if it is negative giving it attention--not ignoring it-- will eventually make it positive anyway."

"You can't be serious."

"I'm serious."

"OK."

"I'm tired of trying to create stuff. Scared of what pops up."

"What pops up?"

"Stuff. Things on their own. Anything that opens up in my life on it's own should be what gets all of my attention."

"What about the ladies?"

"What?"

"Nothin'"

"What?"

"So things in your life moves on it's own?"

"Yes. You can't hear it because you are afraid of the silence. You got to build as a distraction. You have to run out and create a diversion."

"I'm not afraid."

"I am. I'm afraid to act on my own. I will only serve what comes up."

"Ok."

"Then I can be absolutely sure."

Anthony is in charge.

"Goddamn."

"What?"

"My success inside a relationship is based on how honest I am."

"To me that is a rumor."

"Ah it's the truth."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"What does it mean?"

"It means I am in charge with how successful my relationship is going to be based on how honest and transparent I become. Increasing it means success."

"I will have to think about that."

"What?"

"Because it sounds like crazy talk. The kind of shit that will get your ass killed around here."

"I'm in charge of my own happiness. What more can I say."

"Ok."

"I have to be forthcoming. There are no books to read or no workshops to attend. I have to come clean and things will improve immensely."

"Like it's possible."

"It's possible."

You are drawn to people who give you an opportunity to play out a role that has value for you. It may be comfortable or uncomfortable, but it’s a role you value. You avoid people when you find yourself falling into a role you don’t want to play anymore. And you “outgrow” a relationship when you no longer want to play the role or roles you play in that relationship. In ego, there is no way to avoid the past.

William invites the uneasy in for lunch.

"I like looking for the uneasy. I invite it in."

"In your food?"

"No. When something makes me quaver; when something makes me uncomfortable I try not to spend time looking for ways to distract myself from it. I am almost initially exicited about the answer that could be hidden in it."

"Even though it is making you uncomfortable?"

"Yes."

"OK."

"It's like a clue."

"A clue?"

"Yes a clue. Can't you see that?"

"What?"

"What makes you uncomfortable is a clue that maybe you need to look at it closer."

"At solving it."

"Yes."

"OK."

"But you run out of it, don't you?"

"I work the problem."

"You resolve it right?"

"I get it resolved."

"You quickly move it out of your way. You through money at it, you make calls. You get through it with your ears and eyes closed."

"I do."

"I look at it. I stop and know that it is much more important than running through it."

"You're special arn't you?"

"I'm not."

"You are and it's not just your hat."

"The things that rise up and make me directly uncomfortable just gets me a little excited, you know?"

"Like cheveux noirs et courts."

"I feel special."

"I knew it."

"I feel like this is just for me. I look at how my heart is beating. This is just for me. How I handle it, how I calmly digest it, it turns into nothing terrible but something much more enjoyable."

"Huh?"

"What's uncomfortable, becomes much more rewarding if I just invite it in."

"Good afternoon."

Slowie doesn't want victimization by Hasbro.

"I struggle when all of my toys are taken away."

"What do you mean?"

"You always ask that."

"Yeah."

"I'm just like you who loves to marinate--bask, rather in victimization. I want to use it at a drop of a hat to further conceptualize my need for attention during someone else s need for clarity in a moment."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Of course I could be doing the same thing--at said moment, then we could easily cancel each other out."

"Well yeah, that is the case in all of my relationships, but what happens when you are aware of this while it is going on?"

"You bury it like a good Lutheran."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I don't have anything else to do."

"Huh?"

"Self mutilation is my only past time."

"Harakiri. Yes. It is what brings all the boys to the yard. I play the victimization card because I like reminding people that I'm valuable. If they buy into my performance it can add fucked up years to an already fucked up relationship. Of course this is if I can't accuse someone of something either passively or with super strength. But I do use victimization as a last resort."

"I'm thinking you should stop talking."

"Yeah. Maybe. So I can see that you hate me...you hate me right? You're right I'm all fucked up. I don't know what's going on with me, I'm sorry."

"I don't hate you. I mean ...oh whatever."

"What?"

"You will struggle like me when you take away all of your little toys."

"We really don't know who people are, what things and situations are for, why we are here or how to correct things. Truly a great gift is the humility to say and mean, 'I wish to be comfortable with not knowing.' The second we surrender our limited experience of knowing, we are instantly relieved of our burden."

William doesn't like his personal space.

"I don't know what space is for."

"What?"

"Space."

"You mean final frontier space?"

"No. I mean when I needed it in my life."

"Time to yourself?"

"I tried to protect it vehemently. I created relationships around it."

"What do you mean?"

"By making sure the relationships I had were in conjunction with the 'need for space' mentality."

"What?"

"People who needed space as well."

"I'm spacing out."

"What?"

"That shit is only natural that people will need down time."

"Sure, but this shit can not be architected. What I discovered is that, this is already built into relationships where you seemingly have no space."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying it."

"I don't think so."

"Space or down time is mythological. The whole relationship is your life; the space or down time I found wasn't as valuable as I thought. I wasn't really protecting anything that was productive. In most cases I sat around holding an empty block of time just for the principle of it."

"You don't just go to the museum by yourself huh?"

"Like you go to the museum."

"Well."

"You're always here."

"You're right. I'm just sayin'."

"Alone time allows me to get a better perspective on what is happening in my life, even if it's walking through the museum or taking a personal trip. But what I'm saying is it should not be cordoned off. It should not be considered a personal life within a personal life. There are no personal lives. You have one life, and you open yourself to allow the light of this life and all of its experiences to shine everywhere. Your down time is there to boost further commitment to the fact that all your life is a cabaret. All of it is open to interpretation."

"I like eating here alone."

"I know you do, and it has served us well."