i didn't want to do this to you..

hell, I'm a little reluctant to the company










figure we would talk for awhile at the entrance of the tent





the circus playing well inside




laughter,fried dough and distraction on flute.







I thought it would be different, thought it might go just a few more days than the usual


but I didn't expect you out here




in the cold






standing in the silence quibbling with yourself, questioning every goddamn thing you thought was reality
and poking at me.for answers.







I--
was
like
you

exhausted with the entertainment presented.




intuition pick pocketed





so I'm out here.






taking in the night, not believing any of it, and calling up myself for the answers.

"The place in which I'll fit will not exist until I make it."























-James Baldwin

i feel uneven




I feel wrecked

I feel vital and pristine when I am imparting to you





I feel tired

I feel lazy and neutral


I feel transcendence when I am listening to you







this is what I am feeling









right now.

fear tugs a little.

the notion of pleasure



is getting bigger

it is getting huge and electric









i don't look at it the same way anymore I am knowingly afraid of it


and knowingly needing what it brings
















it is just bliss looking to give me a wonderful sample.













but i don't know





i don't know

















i worry about the magnificent















because i'm slowly getting down to the source of it all





























a part of me singe

there is nothing else but love


and life is set up with a taylor made series of events --to show us this











every last fucking thing we experience in this life is only here to show us this one thing.


there is nothing else but love








and we are it.

it is nothing else but love.

Anthony carries a load.

"They get up early in Arizona because it's hot."



"You have conference calls?"

"I run a business."

"I thought it was a shoe shine service that peddles newspapers."

"Come on. It is much more involved than that. It is something of a conduit to the Free Press-- Benjamin Edes would be proud. It also gives you an opportunity to grab a snickers bar and a bottle of sugar called Pepsi."


"A service that this country honors you for."

"The fattening of the nation?"

"I will never complain."

"That reminds me that my mother doesn't have a lap." He reared back in his chair. " I can honestly tell you I have never noticed this before."

"We have to get your hand on a bible."

"You know I think it has been awhile since I have seen her out in public. You know what I mean? Out in the days light."

"Ok right. Out doors."

"She wanted me to meet her downtown, she shopped a little and then we jumped on a bus to head to another store. She sat in a bench seat across from me and I watched people try to squeeze next to her and then quickly get their asses up. I looked at their irritated faces as my mothers hips pop the change out of their pockets. You know?"

"People in this city will always try and hold position to spite, that says a lot about your mother's body mass index if this wasn't accomplished."

"It does, you know. But I also discovered why sauceboots doesn't curl up in her lap; she doesn't have one. You know what I mean? When she sits its like the letter C."

"She can sit at the top of the C and put her claw in her stomach.Why the attack?"

"I make light, but I am responsible for all of this. I need her to be comfortable in her bigness if it's going to make me comfortable."

"You?"

"If she doesn't puts the Twinkies down where does that leave me? You know it's not just her it's the whole family I don't want to help them in their debilitation so that I fuckin' look good."

"Well you don't."

"Huh."

"You look terrible."

"Well I'm not good at it."

"No your not."

"Nobody is really honest anymore except like you want to be."


"Your easy."

"I'm sad. What state am I in as a son to allow my mother to sit on the bus with no lap?"

"All of a sudden your carrying this?"

"Yea. I don't know, man....I see myself."

"What a sight."

Because you stand there asking those questions.....admission to that part of me requires a view in that bag






(it has been created this way)











That one you are holding onto so tight.


It is again--- my friends that have made me this way






with their blood on the floor and their gaping holes to be filled.

the detectives

with their tears

their intimacy


their power







and their love of self

all of us lead with our resilience.






with this we are being patched and healed


with this I have discovered the way
















but you see only what you are momentarily being depleted of

instead of what you are giving..





Everything is ok.

all of this is just because of the questions you ask.

Nicholas and the unknown

"Sentences that do not relate to each other."

"A collage."

"More like mania."

"Is her subject changing within a period or after a period during the time she has the floor?"

"How did you do that?"

"I don't know."

"She waits for me to respond to her question and..or subject before she switches the track."

"What does this mean?"

"I don't know. Maybe just like you, she just ain't home with herself."

"With me it's purposely done though, I am planning on working my shit out in my next couple of lives."

"She's a computer that keeps rebooting."

"You're to mean to have this amount of patience's."

"I know. I'm in a situation though."

"I see. She has anatomy like Amber Rose."

"Well that isn't the complete photograph. I've somehow cleared my way past that terrain."

"You made it?"

"I've made it just barely."

"So...where does that leave you?"

"Into the attractive unknown."

"So you haven't made it. You are tripped up and lie faced down in a ravine."

"I just made it past one ravine and it is that fuckin' unknown that chews at my colon."

"Your off mission."

"I'm on mission."

"Ok where are you now?"

"Like I said in the land of mania where this women's sentences are stemming from nowhere and running off cliffs."

"Is that fun? Is a nice pair of thongs a part of that?"

"No but it has stopped me from sounding like a damn fool."

"Sex in some cases can show us what lies ahead as well."

"Listen to yourself. That's right your man suit is fitting tight."


"The one that comes with fat underneath the chin. I'm thinking there is a way that you can sense this early on?"

"Like you can?"

"I only say this for entertainment purposes."

"Ok this usually doesn't happen till I am putting my clothes on in the middle of the night and then I can't find my car."

"Did you get those new tires?"

"The Michelin's cost too damn much. I'm going to wait till next season."

"What does this all mean? I have enjoyed your architected tales of sin. Have you become respectable?"

"It means I've become attracted to something that hasn't debuted yet."

"OK."

"And I decided to ride it."

"Hmmm."

"I've always been respectable by the way; I've hidden from you just so you were free from isolation."



"Thank you. I would like to coast all the way out."

When you start giving love with a deep sense of gratitude to all those who accept it, you will be surprised that you have become an emperor--no longer a beggar asking for love with a begging bowl, knocking on every door. And those people on whose doors you are knocking cannot give you love: they are themselves beggars. Beggars are asking each other for love and feeling frustrated, angry, because the love is not coming. But this is bound to happen. Love belongs to the world of emperors, not beggars. And a man is an emperor when he is so full of love that he can give it without any conditions.












-0sho
love,freedom,aloneness

"One night I was in bed with six different women-in a row.....and I felt God I must be something ......But I wasn't...you know...I was just catching up on my own background."





-Charles Bukowski

you are on the run now
you are libel
your hands are full of so many things




this has been too much you think
just too much










but it's alright

1017

your addictions are only being teased
and never fulfilled

so not at home--you head out for a long walk



and its ok








its ok






this is just how it is now.

Slowie is a little bored.

"I don't know what to say to my friends anymore. I don't have a clue what to talk about."

"Not sure I understand that. You come across as someone loaded with banality."

"You know only if we could just get married right here. Close this dump of a restaurant, and have a few of these waitresses as bridesmaids. You can write the vows."

"Well my mother was a mutterer."

"Maybe I'm just bored, maybe I am tired of drinking. The fuckin' drinking." She sighed.

"Maybe you are."

"How do you see me?"

"What?"



"What do you think about when you are sitting at this greasy table waiting for me to get here?"

"I think I hope she is going to pay again. I'm broke."

"What part of an idiot are you?"




"All of it."

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I just sit here and listen and hope your leg brushes up against mine."

"I am one of these city squares who just wears 500 dollar shoes and stands in bars on friday nights with nothing of importance to talk about?"

"Yea."

"You think so? You really think so."

"Gin?"

"What?"

"Gin martini?"

"What about it?"

"Is that what you drink?"

"Yes."

"What kind?"

"Super premium Martin Miller London dry. It's silky and 28 dollars a bottle."

"Ah."

"What?"

Anthony can draw

-








"It's like an accouchement."



"It's too early..."



"Man, I got to get it out. I have to use any means necessary."

"So what?"

"I paint."

"You're a painter? I didn't know that. With brushes and everything?"

"Yes. I don't go around telling people this information. I don't think it's that necessary."

"OK."


"But you know, I don't get out all into the idea of painting, you know the lifestyle, the spattered jeans and whatnot. I am trying for..."

"And accouchement."

"Dig. I'm just trying to get the shit out. The instrument I use is vast."

"Vast?"


"Vast. Is that right?"

"I guess."

"I use charcoal, acrylic, oils, lead...I use whatever it takes to get the idea across. I'm not fucking looking to get wrapped up in the life. You understand? I'm trying to go crazy like the better artist in the past. That's when you become good."

"You've mastered that part for a couple of years now.



"I'm not looking to walk around in a apron..."

"Do you wear an apron?"


"At times."


"Dig."

"But I'm an artist."

When people cling to the old, change stops. Change comes with the new. With the old there is no change, but people cling to the old because it seems secure, comfortable, familiar. You have lived with it, so you know it, you have become skillful in it, knowledgeable about it.

With the new again you will be ignorant. With the new you may commit mistakes; with the new, who knows where it will lead? Hence fear arises, and out of this fear you cling to the old. And the moment you start clinging to the old, you have stopped flowing.






osho
365 the new

Into.

metal has twisted
glass shattered

but no impact has been felt.


it has been devastating; crippling to many others who desire it.
those who long for the tires to cry.




It is all impact




all of it




but we have been extended into the air


we have stop waiting for the impact that will never come







we are advancing into the air



enjoying the lightness,
and enjoying the freedom.

Mae has a crowd

"I'm too sexy to be alone."



"Maybe."







"I don't want to be alone."



"OK."



"That sounds stupid right."



"I don't know."



"You know."



"What is this all about? You're making my milk go sour."



"It's the holiday season what else."



"All your lovers are with their lovers."



"No."



"Ok."



"Honestly I can have anyone I want."



"I know."



"But I choose because I don't want to be alone."



"Choose what?"


"I don't know."


"Right."


"I just don't like being alone."


"Happy New Year."

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss. Love is painful because it transforms; love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence fear arises. And leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. The fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

And because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

It is because of the pain of love that millions of people live a loveless life. They, too, suffer, and their suffering is futile. To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. To suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. To suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle.





-osh0
love, freedom, aloneness

People are interested in sex, because sex is not risky. It is momentary, you don't get involved. Love is involvement; it is commitment. It is not momentary. Once it takes roots, it can be forever. It can be a lifelong involvement. Love needs intimacy, and only when you are intimate does the other become a mirror. When you meet sexually with a woman or a man, you have not met at all; in fact, you avoided the soul of the other person. You just used the body and escaped, and the other used your body and escaped. You never became intimate enough to reveal each other's original faces.



-osho
love, freedom, aloneness.

Lanvin is summa cum laude

"The relationship made me a liar."

"Someone as noble as you? Economical with the truth, even? I mean, I can't even get anywhere with you."

"Not much of a stretch, Monsieur. At the end of your semester--love and sex continues to drag down your GPA."

"Like a master level class of Mandarin."

"But I would do all of this depravity outside the home. I had these relationships with men. Not many, but all sexual. Some situations where I was submissive and some where I orchestrated everything, but all were me picking a poor transient way to find something authentic with the few tools I had developed for me by the people in my life. I knew I had an incredible desire to search, and I also knew there was nothing wrong with it. Authenticity wasn't anywhere in my life at the time." She said quietly. "I would then come home and be married. He would be in the living room playing his role; drink in hand and I would be dialed back in, and trying to suppress this appetite."

"An American tale."

"More than that..."

"This goes on all around the world. I think I just did this yesterday."

"This isn't as common as you think. Yes, people are searching, no question, we all are. But many stop when they are surrounded by the false distractions of life. Except for you, of course--who got a lawyer involved when they removed bear claws from this dump of a restaurant."

"I needed to be heard on that issue."

"But there is a minority that remains completely focused. They are not giving up on this class. They want to understand themselves based on their opposites, such as in people, places and things, and they are not stopping till they are completely enriched. regardless of the rules they trample."

"I never pegged you as a vigilante."

"I am now."

"That looks nice in a dress."

"Maybe."

"That doesn't follow the rules."

"Correct."

"And picks at her bear claw."

"And you claim you don't know me."

What are you doing?

The present is a million beginnings.
and inside the canopy of heaven you have got your hands on a garbage truck full of the past.

you have picked through it
you have given it too much of your mind

and easily found the coarse the sharp.




You have then lacerated yourself and stood in the mirror.

bloody, you have drag it all forward: meticulous and sure to drip on our achromatic present.

what have we done.

serve love through the lover, so that you never become attached to the lover. And when one is not attached to the lover, love reaches its highest peaks. The moment one is attached, one starts falling low. Attachment is a kind of gravitation--unattachment is grace. Unreal love is another name for attachment; real love is very detached.


Love, freedom, aloneness
-Osho