the things we talk about are nothing

our real selves are fiercely advanced into our actions



it is before thoughts collect.

before disruption.

before the hubris



the things we talk about are pageantry


our words are produced into sculptures

our real selves are fighting to free.

Anthony is about the children.

"Like a condom Nascar."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm sorry, more like a pit crew. I say 'listen, beautiful, this is really going well, we are both excited here but I need to head to my pit crew so we can transition into the rest of this evening'. I then proceed out into the hall..."

"Quickly."

"Yes quickly. People are there strapping the condom on, checking it all in etc., there are clipboards visible. In less than 5 seconds I'm back in there."

"All for the 'at risk' relationships."


"Dig."

"So allow me."

"By your leave."

"So instead of not sleeping with women who you are excruciatingly incompatible with, and since you find yourself devastatingly attracted to them physically--mind you there are no other connections for you, you are going to work closer on just the precautions. You are going to land your Plymouth Rock on the precautions."

"You might have earned a certificate getting that so divinely correct."

"Sheepskin could be the word of the day."

"I also think about the children. There is no way a child should be born into this flawed searing appetite of mine. I will have to find someone specifically for that procedure. I would have to find the best domestic atmosphere for all of that."

"So you are waiting for the right woman to say the infamous 'i did'"

"Yes. Than I will divorce her and head back to the pit crew."

"And oiling yourself up in the middle of the night.

"Dig."

"Ah a humanitarian."

the beautiful ones

i'm living on inspirations
their actions are a glow in a down pour












i wait for them.

"For me, it’s all about the idea. For example, the idea for Hunger demanded it be a narrative 35mm feature film. So the idea comes first and dictates the form. I’m not in love with anything but the idea itself and the best way it is asking to be represented."













--British visual artist Steve McQueen

your kitchen is on fire and you are out here standing on your walkway telling me I'm under dressed.









why can't i tell you




why can't you see it.

something entirely more extrarodinary

You will lose your virginity again.











It will be your wedding night.






it will be a vessel of first's



and you will feel luminous








but it is all nothing



and it will easily diminish in place of....












all on




the road



to...

"Pay close attention to the most tedious thing you can find (Tax Returns, Televised Golf) and, in waves, a boredom like you've never known will wash over you and just about kill you. Ride these out, and it's like stepping from black and white into color. Like water after days in the desert. Instant bliss in every atom."





-David Foster Wallace

Teddy William Paste

"It didn't knock me on the ground, but I decided not to go to choir practice that evening."

"I thought you were taking Aikido on Wednesday?"

"Yeah."

"OK."

"You know why it happened right?"

"I don't know. A CTA bus mirror is about the same height as your head when you stand too far off the curb."

"Its because I saw her again."

"Please Teddy..."

"I didn't plan this. I am not looking for her. I stop stalking years ago."

"I am always searching for that place in me... A place that wants to believe you."

He began scratching his plate with his fork. "She was leaning up against a wall, as I walked past her in a thinned crowd of people.

"Thinned?"

"I was on point. " He said looking enlightened. "I kept going."

"Well I figured you would. The many stories you tell of her are always littered with this avoidance."

"I only see her a handful of times a year."

"How many?"

"What?"

"How many?"

"Seven this year. You expect me to stop and to talk to her?"

"She treated you like shit Teddy. Coupled with the fact that she kept you in clinics."

"Well in the end there were only a couple things that actually got diagnosed."

"What is it about her Teddy?"



"I forgave her. I want her to be free of that burden."

"You think she cares?"

"I don't know. I saw that she was pregnant." He stirred the ice in his glass. "I think it will help her life."

"You think?"


"I know I was the worst of her wrath, her fear, maybe my forgiveness will mean the most."











*

being lost is when i found

Render your sighs.

the talks continue.

our cause sets the course for a life never documented.










emotions will bulldoze but we stop them short

anger and sadness climb from it





then we render our sighs

and I hear your voice.











we talk softly and joy is gleaned












it is here we have made it a habit to know for sure.

i wish you could garden all day
and drink wine in peace



wouldn't it be nice?
your empire from the dirt
your joy in the water



i wish you could farm all day
dirt on your brow
love on your face





I wish you could
your pancreas is asking

it is where you are home.

i didn't want to do this to you..

hell, I'm a little reluctant to the company










figure we would talk for awhile at the entrance of the tent





the circus playing well inside




laughter,fried dough and distraction on flute.







I thought it would be different, thought it might go just a few more days than the usual


but I didn't expect you out here




in the cold






standing in the silence quibbling with yourself, questioning every goddamn thing you thought was reality
and poking at me.for answers.







I--
was
like
you

exhausted with the entertainment presented.




intuition pick pocketed





so I'm out here.






taking in the night, not believing any of it, and calling up myself for the answers.

"The place in which I'll fit will not exist until I make it."























-James Baldwin

i feel uneven




I feel wrecked

I feel vital and pristine when I am imparting to you





I feel tired

I feel lazy and neutral


I feel transcendence when I am listening to you







this is what I am feeling









right now.

fear tugs a little.

the notion of pleasure



is getting bigger

it is getting huge and electric









i don't look at it the same way anymore I am knowingly afraid of it


and knowingly needing what it brings
















it is just bliss looking to give me a wonderful sample.













but i don't know





i don't know

















i worry about the magnificent















because i'm slowly getting down to the source of it all





























a part of me singe

there is nothing else but love


and life is set up with a taylor made series of events --to show us this











every last fucking thing we experience in this life is only here to show us this one thing.


there is nothing else but love








and we are it.

it is nothing else but love.

Anthony carries a load.

"They get up early in Arizona because it's hot."



"You have conference calls?"

"I run a business."

"I thought it was a shoe shine service that peddles newspapers."

"Come on. It is much more involved than that. It is something of a conduit to the Free Press-- Benjamin Edes would be proud. It also gives you an opportunity to grab a snickers bar and a bottle of sugar called Pepsi."


"A service that this country honors you for."

"The fattening of the nation?"

"I will never complain."

"That reminds me that my mother doesn't have a lap." He reared back in his chair. " I can honestly tell you I have never noticed this before."

"We have to get your hand on a bible."

"You know I think it has been awhile since I have seen her out in public. You know what I mean? Out in the days light."

"Ok right. Out doors."

"She wanted me to meet her downtown, she shopped a little and then we jumped on a bus to head to another store. She sat in a bench seat across from me and I watched people try to squeeze next to her and then quickly get their asses up. I looked at their irritated faces as my mothers hips pop the change out of their pockets. You know?"

"People in this city will always try and hold position to spite, that says a lot about your mother's body mass index if this wasn't accomplished."

"It does, you know. But I also discovered why sauceboots doesn't curl up in her lap; she doesn't have one. You know what I mean? When she sits its like the letter C."

"She can sit at the top of the C and put her claw in her stomach.Why the attack?"

"I make light, but I am responsible for all of this. I need her to be comfortable in her bigness if it's going to make me comfortable."

"You?"

"If she doesn't puts the Twinkies down where does that leave me? You know it's not just her it's the whole family I don't want to help them in their debilitation so that I fuckin' look good."

"Well you don't."

"Huh."

"You look terrible."

"Well I'm not good at it."

"No your not."

"Nobody is really honest anymore except like you want to be."


"Your easy."

"I'm sad. What state am I in as a son to allow my mother to sit on the bus with no lap?"

"All of a sudden your carrying this?"

"Yea. I don't know, man....I see myself."

"What a sight."

Because you stand there asking those questions.....admission to that part of me requires a view in that bag






(it has been created this way)











That one you are holding onto so tight.


It is again--- my friends that have made me this way






with their blood on the floor and their gaping holes to be filled.

the detectives

with their tears

their intimacy


their power







and their love of self

all of us lead with our resilience.






with this we are being patched and healed


with this I have discovered the way
















but you see only what you are momentarily being depleted of

instead of what you are giving..





Everything is ok.

all of this is just because of the questions you ask.

Nicholas and the unknown

"Sentences that do not relate to each other."

"A collage."

"More like mania."

"Is her subject changing within a period or after a period during the time she has the floor?"

"How did you do that?"

"I don't know."

"She waits for me to respond to her question and..or subject before she switches the track."

"What does this mean?"

"I don't know. Maybe just like you, she just ain't home with herself."

"With me it's purposely done though, I am planning on working my shit out in my next couple of lives."

"She's a computer that keeps rebooting."

"You're to mean to have this amount of patience's."

"I know. I'm in a situation though."

"I see. She has anatomy like Amber Rose."

"Well that isn't the complete photograph. I've somehow cleared my way past that terrain."

"You made it?"

"I've made it just barely."

"So...where does that leave you?"

"Into the attractive unknown."

"So you haven't made it. You are tripped up and lie faced down in a ravine."

"I just made it past one ravine and it is that fuckin' unknown that chews at my colon."

"Your off mission."

"I'm on mission."

"Ok where are you now?"

"Like I said in the land of mania where this women's sentences are stemming from nowhere and running off cliffs."

"Is that fun? Is a nice pair of thongs a part of that?"

"No but it has stopped me from sounding like a damn fool."

"Sex in some cases can show us what lies ahead as well."

"Listen to yourself. That's right your man suit is fitting tight."


"The one that comes with fat underneath the chin. I'm thinking there is a way that you can sense this early on?"

"Like you can?"

"I only say this for entertainment purposes."

"Ok this usually doesn't happen till I am putting my clothes on in the middle of the night and then I can't find my car."

"Did you get those new tires?"

"The Michelin's cost too damn much. I'm going to wait till next season."

"What does this all mean? I have enjoyed your architected tales of sin. Have you become respectable?"

"It means I've become attracted to something that hasn't debuted yet."

"OK."

"And I decided to ride it."

"Hmmm."

"I've always been respectable by the way; I've hidden from you just so you were free from isolation."



"Thank you. I would like to coast all the way out."

When you start giving love with a deep sense of gratitude to all those who accept it, you will be surprised that you have become an emperor--no longer a beggar asking for love with a begging bowl, knocking on every door. And those people on whose doors you are knocking cannot give you love: they are themselves beggars. Beggars are asking each other for love and feeling frustrated, angry, because the love is not coming. But this is bound to happen. Love belongs to the world of emperors, not beggars. And a man is an emperor when he is so full of love that he can give it without any conditions.












-0sho
love,freedom,aloneness

"One night I was in bed with six different women-in a row.....and I felt God I must be something ......But I wasn't...you know...I was just catching up on my own background."





-Charles Bukowski

you are on the run now
you are libel
your hands are full of so many things




this has been too much you think
just too much










but it's alright