Anthony is discernible.

"Do you think I am too sensitive?"

"As far as male on male relationships I try not to even think about discussing, or if discussed, using that type of wordage when, yes! A man like you is too sensitive."

"How do you do that?"

"I don't know."

"Ok just hear me out this could sound strange."

"You're 'Anthony at the Station' I expect at least, askew."

"What is the fuckin' deal with me when it comes to sex?"

"How's that?"

"Sex."

"Right. I am clear on that part of the sentence."

"Look. I found myself stumbling into sexual relations with a few women, right? You understand so far?"

"Yeah I got it. Should I have asked for a disclaimer first? Because I really become leery about the..."

"Listen I think this is really interesting."

"OK."

"Alright?"

"OK."

"I found myself in this position where....where I can't stand being manipulated for sex. I find that having some sort of one night stand leaves me to analysis the shit with them, you know what I mean?"

"No."

"I have to confront them on what it means to our relationship. I as a gentleman cannot properly digest a fucking booty call without first discussing its meaning!"

"So what you are saying is that you are a woman."

"Well...I just don't know."

"Are these--on paper, temporary relationships? A venue that clearly allows everyone in the room to know that whatever is negotiated in here--from the bar, and the bathroom to the dance floor, is clearly on a clock? This relationship has a strong possibility of lasting no longer than this evening."

"See this is my point. This is starting to hit closer to home. Some of these woman are working in venues that don't necessarily constitute a one night sexual tête à tête, such as a museum for example, they use proper museum words pretending to be arrested by a Henri Matisse painting..."

"I don't think they're pretending."

"Well maybe not. Maybe in some cases they just gathered this knowledge fraudulently in years of Art History classes, and are using it for evil."

"I don't go to museums, but the last time I took a woman there she told me that a painting's pigment matched her skirt."

"How did that evening work out for you?"

"There was no manipulation needed."

"You and I are in two different cities of needed experiences."

"Maybe so but listening to you now I am starting to feel so dirty."

"Exactly. What is so fascinating to me is at what great length--a woman of all people, will go to architect a sexual experience."

"Like a guy."

"Yeah. It's like if I was thinking the same way, like most men do. I wouldn't notice it, or if I was only thinking a little less than her she could somehow convince me it was my idea all along and I would believe her. I believe I'm a cad for the simple fact that I'm a guy, and that is what guy's do; we manipulate woman for sex through any means necessary. But I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and now I have gotten behind that fuckin' curtain, man. I for the first time in my life have begun to head off a sexual situation. We eat dinner, we watch a movie, she might try and take that shit there and it ain't working for me. I don't feel it deep, you know? I get metaphysical on the shit rather than the derivative 'OK'"

"Yeah that's different. How good are you at this? You could be a circus act."

"I'm approaching 70 percent."

"That alone should put you in the top 5 percent of whatever fucking club that is."

"It has shoveled chaos out of my life at times."

"But I'm not sure if it helps in my further evaluation of you."

The correction

it IS a correction

when things are addled for me

it is a a clearing for you-- those I inter depend

it is a correction.

I need to see it that way...

Slowie likes monster trucks and the truth.

"So I am completely outside now."

"Ok."

"Yes...so I have on a Giambattista Valli ostrich feather and silk velvet and tulle dress that I picked up discounted at Barney's New York."

"You don't know what's going on in the world do you?"

"I'm not done."

"I also have on some Christian Louboutin shoes."

"Of course."

"But this is where everything gets interesting. I am completely outside now and my face and hair is in a thick cloud of exhaust from his truck."

"OK."

"This guy is picking me up in a monster truck!"

"What kind?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is it a Ford or Chevrolet?"

"I can't even get up into this thing!"

"So you attempted to get into it?"

"Well we were running late."

"Should I ask how you met him? Or will this expose a already thinning veil of sanity."

"He's an artist."

"What medium?"

"Graffiti."

"Of course."

"I like him. Even after he decides to ride over the cars on my block. He later told me he discovered a way to do it without shattering their windshields."

"I can dig that, your block has more German cars than Stuttgart."

"He tells me the truth."

"What? You don't get that from me?"

"You're good. But like others you're sort of a fake."

"What do you mean?"

"Your like a top that doesn't spin on your own. If I want you to be truthful and serious I have to keep spinning you. Once I stop engaging your well you go back to talking about your sad love life. My monster truck driving artist is constant. I like constant...well at times I hate it, but I need it. I need a constant something to be able to make a proper decision in my life.

"I see."

"On top of it all he doesn't feel it necessary to talk about his shit. Like he knows its a waste of time to give me things that will eventually work out on their own. He has cars to ride over."

"Is my love life sad?"

"Hello?"

#002

The coffee didn't taste the same anymore. I didn't need to keep trying it to see. I didn't need to do any of these substances to distract myself or keep me available for whatever damage she had for me or I had for myself. She made me smoke, drink and set the ground work for an emotional infarction. Nah she didn't, it was all me and what I expected to happen, but I have to admit it sounds good to project. I can't believe this place has all you can eat mussels on Thursday nights.

When we met here I was so open and exhilarated. It's funny what you give up when you meet someone new, it is like you sell everything you have and you spend the rest of the relationship trying to get it all back; all while being slowly choked. Yes this is my own doing.

I can see that I am tired. I am tired of being upset at the wrong person. I love this place. I love the music.

William is alright

"I don't know."

"Right."

"No clue."

"You think?"

"Yea. I know."

"Ok."

"I love the ending of this movie called 'Fatale' At the end of this movie Jeremy Iron's character walks slowly through the cobbled streets of some city that will not be identified, he is carrying a small sack of groceries. When he enters his place he unfolds a piece of wax paper to reveal cheese, he then slowly slices it and opens the shutters to let the sunshine onto this huge photo of his ex lover and his son she was to marry. Now this movie, no matter how quietly it ends has the most damaging emotional contents I have ever seen on film and yet this small scene with some sheep cheese and beautiful sunlight still represents that life goes on even after something like that."

"Ok that's common."

"You are searching for my point."

"Not searching, waiting."

"I don't know it."

"Ok."

"But don't you see that this life we live wants us to think it is burying us, it digs us to believe that we are fucking done for, especially when we fuck up with narrative proportions like he did. I mean a grand fuck up that could emotionally chernobyl everyone who knows us. But if we have the will to go on, if we have shaken loose the hate of ourself we can let the sunshine in."

"Ok what are you saying Andy Williams?"

"That he sought to destroy himself and life is always willing to oblige."

"Is this a hope speech?"

"No. Well I don't know."

"Does this have anything to do with the recession?"

"I'm not sure."

"Was that movie any good?"

"Yea."

"Ok."

"You know my biggest point is that the life or the world we live in isn't really real. It can't be. It's a bunch of bullshit, you know? This character in the movie was fully in charge of his fate. He knew it was wrong, but could not get out of the way of such carnal truths that life was somehow privy too; it lied in wait for him...as he search for a way to his own annihilation, life was more than excited to help him achieve this shit. But make no mistake, he just like us is fully in charge of his life's direction."

"Life is looking to destroy him?"

"Yea in a way."

"So you're saying life is the fuckin' enemy? I always thought it was my postman because of the way he destroys my British GQ trying to get it to fit into my mail slot. But again remind me how does the sunshine fit?"

"Never live anywhere with just a mail slot, and the sunshine and that solitary moment is the fuckin' lull it can also represent a unconscious enabling mate, it is trying to get us back persistently like a solicitor for the New York Times, only to beautifly fuck us up again, 'please' it asks hoping we again place our head in the vice."

"But I thought you said it represents that life goes on?"

"It does, but the correct interpretation is that; we must remember that this is all a game, and we should try and stay here in the sunshine regardless of what life is trying to set our asses up with, through its carnality, relationships or hostess cupcakes."

"Life is an enemy."

"That must mean we are really alright."

"I might be able to dig that."

"Is that really so hard to accept?"

Normandy

you are Normandy

heavily fortified

But there is this way on. It gives me these ideas. It gives me this hope.

eventually though I see the treachery. The paralyzing steps.

I know my life is lost if I go on.

it is best to observe from the sea.

maybe you will give in when there isn't anyone to attack

maybe.

This woman in the elevator reminded me of her. But she smoked cigars and once broke a bottle and challenged everyone inside of a bowling alley. I hated bowling. I have long bony fingers and they would begin to hurt after the first game, but she would continue until she saw I wasn't capable of putting them into my pocket without them being crippled into a fist. I loved her. I loved the way she smelled it was like cinnamon bread, smoke and turmeric. But most of all I loved her attitude. I could build a home around the fact that she had a side that she like to chose on just about every subject. On top of it all she held fucking firm even when logic was completely evaporated. A commercial, bus advertisement or the New York Times could never change the way she felt about whatever she felt about.

She was wrong on a few of them. But fuck; it was something about the fact that she was adamant. Just being adamant seem to distract me from any questions about her sanity. I missed her. I didn't know what I believe until I had her to oppose it.

Slowie likes corn dogs

"He was feeding his cat a corn dog."

"I'm sorry?"

"He had run out of cat food so he was feeding his cat a very large corn dog at 2 in the morning."

"How did you meet this gentleman?"

"I'm not sure I've notice this about myself but I lead sexually with just about everyone I meet."

"Is that a statement?"

"Some people lead with a handshake. I start conversations with at least one mention of my vulva."

"It is one reason my mother- after your first exchange believes you need Jesus and Gandhi in your life."

"Fuck that. I don't believe in the Mormons."

"Of course, but are you some sort of sex addict? Even though it took us at least three dates to consummate our sloppy series of one night stands I still have to ask this."

"You were a mistake remember? That is another thing about me; I am having sex with a person all while I am trying to end things. It is like I get lazy, and like to have sex as I am taking a break from the break up. Do you understand my logic?"

"Not at all."

"To be honest. I think I use sex to control people."

"Wow. I don't think I've ever heard that before."

"Right. Listen. I manipulate them, using for example oral sex to distance myself and establish control..."

"Please don't ruin things for me. I have told my friends how special you've made me feel with your ringed finger grip and your controlled breathing."

"To be really honest early on men ran from me so I found something they couldn't run from. I just positioned myself better in the transient relationship."

"OK. You made it so that you wouldn't be burned in case of a fire?"

"Yeah."

"So you became a guy? Can I get another look at that vulva this evening. I'm just saying, you know."

"If you can't beat them off joined them."

"You're to sexy for all of this warmongering. What I can't understand is why you truly send so many men packing. I mean I have my ideas."

"Do you?"

"Of course. I've took a few classes on you. I've played you in my mind with the metronome. You draw a gentleman in with your vivaciousness then you quickly pummel him with your pasts gaping woundage. You are trying to punish yourself in the most intimate experience you can find known to man all because of a misplace idea you have about yourself.."

"Is 'woundage' a word?"

"No."

"You think this is all me Doctor?"

"All you. All fucking you and your corn dogs."

"You can now tell your friends I'm sad and lonely."

"Nah. You're just lonely and need Jesus in your life."

"I need a corn dog."

i'm only as good as you need me to be.

Lanvin wants to lose.

"I am afraid."

"You?"

"Me."

"Why? If you're afraid then I'm almost dead, because just sitting in front of you keeps my heart beating."

"You're so dramatic."

"Yes I am."

"What is it beating for?"

"Hows that?"

"What the fuck is it beating for?"

"That sounds wonderfully aggressive and I haven't even been served my eggs. Can you allow my car keys to at least have an opportunity to sink to the bottom of my jacket pocket before you start turning me own with your language."

"Listen nephew of Hamlet I believe I am really living right?"

"Ok."

"My heart isn't just beating. I am not here just to pay a fucking mortgage and search for my next orgasm. There is something more aggressive to life than this. There is more ok?

"I guess there is more to life than sex, but it's like you are telling me there is no fucking Tooth Fairy of something."

"There isn't. The real game of life is set to 'hard'. Do you realize that?"

"I always switch it back to 'easy' when I wake up in the morning."

"I have anxiety."

"You said you are afraid."

"I really want to live in a game where I can lose. A game where I can lose myself.. my ego.I really want to do what I am suppose to do and not bullshit my time away. That's why I like the difficulty mode. I want to lose in this false life."

"All while looking sexy."

"All while looking sexy, right; in Lanvin, right? I want to stay in the game set to difficult. I am afraid in any other mode. In 'easy' is where you have to watch your back, that is where you do not exercise any skill, where you do not get anywhere; it is where you really lose."

"I'm a loser. Even though I win?"

I have to eat the whole thing.

i have to eat the whole thing

sitting here doesn't help

meandering chews my nails

and in the

mean

time

we wait,

we stay away and consume our words.

You are unsettled

there is a sand in your bag

and sleep comes and goes

your stare is far across the sea to a place you can't put your finger on

you are not aware that you have shipwrecked yourself far from home

you are unsettled

that's why you are unsettled

"You're a rock in my stream."

one day I'm going to wake up

and really miss you

our conversations, our time

and you will be gone

and it will be over

and we will have wrecked it.

"Comfort is the goal, not necessarily the means."

Arten--The Disapperance Of The Universe.