Anthony wants to know more than he wants a blow job.

"Like the cover of darkness. As if she was a fugitive from somewhere or better yet something."

"What?"

"It was weird at first."

"What are we talking about?"

"We are talking about some women I have come into contact with, that with their open sexual ambivalence I have become scared, anxiety ridden and finally angry."

"You mean they have offered you sex."

"Yeah."

"What are we talking about here."

"We are talking about what sexual offerings can do to a man. It is not easy in all cases."

"Are you sure?"

"I hate what it does to me sometimes. I feel like a co conspirator to the day their punishment begins. Don't you see in some women who are just using you to hide, or using you to carry out some punishment in hard core fashion?"

"Not sure I'm seeing the problem there. Plus I'm not a counselor in the bedroom."

"You know? It really bothers me that I enjoy it."

"Of course."

"You know what? It bothers me that I have something in me where this can match up nicely with. I hate that their need for a debasement intrigues me."

"You make it sound wrong."

"You know, now that I think about it, I find that it is just a huge sensation a table size Hostess cupcake that I need to hurry up and consume without thinking, just like they need to hurry up and distract me to get me to believe that I was the only author of this late night visit. My desire is the only thing that is making them do this. I am the man, so their responsibility will easily disappear just on that fact."

"Is it really that serious?"

"It is very serious. This late night visit under the cloak of bad judgment is also ground zero for vulnerability, love and connectedness that two people with-- in most cases, two different reasons are trying their Goddamness to leap over. To go around by any means. They can't allow their conscience to catch up. "

"And there you are with your fucking flash light in the bedroom."

"Better yet trying to understand. I just want to understand."

"At 2am Understanding is for the sexually deprived, idiot savants and philosophy majors."

"I just want to know."

"And I will take the huddled masses."

William is not up for the pursuit.

"We are asking the wrong questions."

"Me?"

"People are beyond sad. They are disorientated, overwhelmed."

"Not whelmed?"

"No. They are also a little lost, edgy, anxiety ridden, and robbed of something."

"Seems like you could go on."

"I can. You can look into their eyes. They dart, fish around, try not to reveal that they don't quite know what to say next unless you give them cues. Unless you give them a conversation that makes all the useless information they have stored seem relevant."

"That seems angry. I like talking about sandwiches. Bread spreads."

"I know you do. I'm just saying, people are sad. We know something is wrong and we can't quite put our finger on it. We know what we are doing day- in- and day out is not really adding up to anything. We are not gaining any ground by the time we excitingly reach another Friday. We are in the same place. Like there is a hole in us, and we keep pouring some thing into it rather than look for ways to ultimately repair it. I guess we just can't realize that there is something crazy about always being in pursuit of what settles us for the moment, what makes us feel relieved for just a few minutes. The pursuit of unhappiness. Why is that normal? We are asking the wrong questions."

"What should I be asking?"

"Ah it's metaphorical. Just looking at all of this something beings to happen. Something that doesn't quite make Friday so exciting anymore."

"What do you like on your sandwich?"

"Bacon."

"OK."

finding than holding our mind in a state of peace is our only responsibility in any moment or any situation that presents itself to us.

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
- Larry Eisenberg

Lanvin doesn't need to feel.

"I want to be constant."

"Huh?"

"I want to be consistent. It can be upsetting."

"What is?"

"I have noticed, I can't help but notice how consistently inconsistent we all are."

"I told you I was going to be late."

"I'm not talking about that. Well maybe I am."

"Get it together."

"Look."

"OK. I'm sorry."

"We are just looking to feel. We are just so desperate to just feel something in the world."

"Feel what?"

"Feel temporary sensation. You want more but you don't know what that is so you settle for just a sensation. Just a hit."

"So I am a drug addict."

"You travel out of the country, buy new technology, cook unusual foods, start new relationships all to just feel. You are not looking for experiences that finds a state. You are not looking to stand still. Not looking to be seen. You have to keep moving around to satisfy your urges. This makes you consistently inconsistent when something of gravity is asked of you."

"I don't understand, but you make me sound like a drug addicted adolescent now."

"Yeah. Of course. You are always looking to satisfy a feeling even in every conversation. You want to know what you can get out of it that will lead to a sensation."

"That can't be true."

"It's true."

"It's not."

"You think I blame you? You think I am judging you?"

"I don't know."

"What if that feel that you are constantly looking for in new sex partners, new condo, new TV show; what if you told yourself that feeling will always be the same? It will always lead to a feeling of unfulfillment. Because it does doesn't it? You are never filled up once you get these things. You are out looking for the next thing. Consistently.That is what I have struggled with. I discovered that feeling doesn't need to be sought out anymore. I don't have to spend a night in Tunisia just for a feeling. I can go to experience myself. The feeling is with me. It is what I bring to situations when I finally stop moving and become constant."

"This is heavier than my breakfast."

"It's not. These biscuits are three days old."

"Maybe."

"They are constantly bad in here."

"Yeah."

Anthony is homeless

"How did I become a fifth wheel in a sexual situation that included five? When I was the one who suggested it?"

"Not sure I want you to go into this."

"I'm just saying."

"I don't want you to."

"I was frozen out."

"I can say I'm sorry and allow it to rest there."

"I believe if my life is getting better; where you are able to clearly relate to the success, than I am doing poorly on the inside."

"What?"

"If you can personally recognize me doing well, career wise, relationship etc. than I'm fucking up."

"Not sure what to do with that."

"I can easily say things are not measured by the things you have."

"Right, but as soon as the cameras are turned off you will again believe that they are."

"Yes and you will come over to my house and questioned me if there was no TV, no furniture, no car in the driveway. You need to measure me so you can have a relationship."

"You have to be on some track."

"What if you couldn't?"

"What?"

"What if I was happy and there was nothing you could see that was making it that way?"

"I would say you was homeless."

"Come on some people that are homeless are in their state because they cling to the idea that they are going to have the same success as you, using the same cutthroat methods against self, taking short cuts that hurt people, hurt themselves all to cling to the same idea as you. In the end they just lack your commitment to being an asshole."

"Right. I figured as much. Just because I want a Porsche 911 I am an asshole?"

"Only if it makes you happy."

"I was really saying you're homeless because there is nothing here that seems to make you feel at home."

"Ha. Maybe you're right. That is very insightful for you. Didn't know that was possible."

"Yeah."

"But now you see what makes me happy."

"You're still insane."

"And without a lease."

Slowie hasn't been hogtied, but it is the first example she likes to use when making a point.

"Waiting for the fall."

"What?"

"I'm not going to be involved with someone where we both are waiting for each other to fuck it up."

"Why would you do that?"

"I wouldn't."

"Then why are we talking about it?"

"Because I want to."

"OK."

"I know I usually have unorthodox style relationships."

"Yes you do."

"I am dedicated to something in it though. Completley. That is better than any fabricated thing we have been taught."

"I know."

"There is a loyalty that has me completley present."

"Ok."

"I am not constructing something with someone in some suburb."

"Say that 60 times."

" I know it is so I can satisfy the people around me. So I can wait for this bastard to fail, because that person will fail with our shoddy constructions. Our non dedication to whats deep in us. What we really need to unearth."

"Why would I even think that about you?"

"You would, because it can happen to even someone like me who might like to be tied up; hogtied, naked with my heels still on while facing an open window. Only hearing the sound of the traffic below. Even if I liked that absurd thing happening to me... last summer. I would want you to think even I could be complacent if I wasn't careful. It could be a routine hog tying."

"OK. The image is making itself home in my mind. It is moving furniture around and lounging on my couch."

"I look for and commit 100 percent to things in relationships that shows me awesome things about myself that I can extend to that person. You understand?"

"Yes you're not a politician."

"Right I am not a politician. Holding fake office based on a fake platform to satisfy my base..."

"Rob base."

"I am dedicated to a feeling. A authentic feeling about who I really am. Something that is the only real thing I know, and something that I want to expose more and share."

"Even if you are hogtied."

"That never happened... last summer."

"Of course."

Do you want to understand or do you want peace?

accepting without understanding brings peace.

Forgiveness brings understanding.

Lanvin is committed to commitment.

"There has to be some kind of commitment don't you think?"

"To what?"

"To some aspect of a relationship."

"What part?"

"What do you mean?"

"What part of the relationship?"

"Some part."

"Sex?"

"Commitment somewhere. In my life for many years I wasn't doing it in any part, because that is when you are most visible, most vulnerable. You can't just dedicate yourself to an aspect of a relationship without thinking you are going to be powerless."

"Why do you keep saying aspect, as if you are suppose to be dedicated to an aspect rather than the whole relationship?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"You can't."

"Right of course."

"There is no 'all of the above' But I discovered that you can commit yourself to something. You can really commit yourself to something that you are attracted to and the relationship could work from your side."

"Not sure what you are talking about."

"You are sure."

"No."

"We spend relationships trying to pretend we are connected to everything the person likes when our actions tell them otherwise."

"That is sacrifice because we want to have sex...tonight."

"Huh? No, that's buying time before the so called union hits a malaise of corrosion and resentment."

"Well I consider that as an exit sign to a new relationship."

"I'm sure you do. But you got one thing right."

"What?"

"Trying to connect to a person's everything---even though, they don't know what they want either, will send us all running for the exits unless, of course we are using that relationship to abuse ourself. But if we really commit to something. Something that doesn't hinge on if they are going to stay or go. Something that they are bringing that is perfect in our mind for commitment and we decide to do it, because it really grabs us. It really means something to us. Then they have to follow with their own because they see our intensity and they know that you found something in them to commit to, and they will also find something."

"Why even do this?"

"Because you want something real, right? You are tired of the exit ramp. You want a cause to dedicate yourself to. You want to be vulnerable for moment, you want intensity and you want it to come from peace instead of angst."

"You got me runnin' You think I'm a runner?"

"Do I?"

"Like I'm avoiding a spotlight or something. I'm a fugitive."

"Yeah."

"A fugitive who likes Apple fritters."

"Eating at this half star restaurant for four years proves that you can be committed."

"Four years of listening to you thinking that we will eventually sleep together is a better indicator."

"Of course."

"Yes of course."

i know

you feel you have the answer already

In the museum you are addressing the wall

the lighting

the frame

'it's gilded' you say.

You tell me 'it's fake. it's trying to trick us.'

your adamant.

i know

but I don't need to listen.

i need to see.

not the wall

the lighting

but right into the painting

the answers are in there.

all the answers.

So quiet.

no meetings to remunerate

no thank you

no remuneration

once love gets free of conception and then out through the finger tips

once it just gets out an pours onto someone

it will start agitating and be a misunderstanding

it is so direct and very quiet

so quiet

no announcements needed

no need to discuss

out through your movements

drawing the huddle closer to feeling its ancient voice.

"The question is 'What do we yearn for so deeply?' And the answer doesn't come in the form we may expect. The answer is 'We yearn deeply for an infinite, absolute communion with Love itself' The experience we seek that will ultimately satiate all our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual hunger is and always will be, to know ourselves as whole, integrated Infinite Beings. We cannot ever know real safety, real peace, real security, real love, or real joy until we acknowledge and willingly initiate this journey to wholeness."

Tired of being something.

i am quiet

it is quiet.

my breath not a factor

i am also mingling soft in the crowd

I am not a dissonant anymore

peaceful and focused

but who cares

it doesn't even matter what i am

i desire where effort isn't required

saying it means nothing

tired of being something.

Anthony's computer is giving him diverticulitis.

"I don't know my best interest."

"It appears that way."

"No I need someone to come into my life....someone maybe hired that comes in and protects me from this culture."

"What?"

"That person would put me on a cultural diet."

"I'm sorry?"

"I would have to go into texting or cable news deprivation for months. That person would demand me to use a land line for a prescribed amount of time. Putting a lap band around my laptop use."

"Slapping mobile devices out of your hand."

"This person would come into my life and begin cutting away at the obesity of distraction."

"Sounds like textration."

"I need this. I love this sort of socialist counselor. I have ran amok. Gorged myself on the hedonistic part of the culture and come away with diseases. All because I like a big bowl of societal High Fructose Corn Syrup."

"Sounds like it includes table spoons of dramatic."

"It is me. I wasn't built for this society. As a kid I sat with my on internet; my imagination. Using Army men as play station. I should be 90 already and getting ready to die soon. This disdain for life is coming too early. I just need prescriptions of hand written letters, socializing without cellphones and news deprivation."

"OK. Your point?"

"I can't do it alone. Somebody has to come in. I need a trainer."

"You think you could find someone online?"

Slowie's Romeo isn't bleeding.

"What?"

"I didn't say anything."

"As usual."

"OK."

"It's not a relationship."

"What? I didn't say it was. Even though it is."

"It's not."

"OK."

"The latest obstacle we faced I grabbed my part; I took immediate responsibility for what was mine. Took it and worked it for whatever it meant to me--alone, only so I could get back to the peacefulness. Only so I could get back to basking in the experience."

"Right."

"It was an interference where we both could have been embarrassed by. One where we could have easily--rigorously, laid fucking blame back and forth on each other. We could have kicked each other in the face with months of precise manipulation that ate away at the comfortable epidermis of our pleasantness."

"But instead?"

"Well I choose to take only my responsibility of the situation back to my table to work out, so I could get back to fawning over him, back to feeling warm inside and seeing myself unlike any other time. I like being a little loving."

"A little?"

"Well."

"Well what?"

"Well I didn't see it as an obstacle. I separated him from it completley. I couldn't help but see his pleasantness. And from that I wanted to be a little loving. I wanted to keep the pressure on."

"As if 'love' stops the bleeding for you."

"Well."

"Well what?"

"It definitely becomes to bright to avoid. Any problems he or we seem to have are 'seems' that are easily extracted as something I need to also take away and work. Something in it immediately belongs to me for a little while, you know?"

"So you can quickly get back."

"Back to the loveliness."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"You're right that's not a relationship. It's a state."

"That doesn't requires a little triage. But I determine if there will be blood."

You are drawn to people who give you an opportunity to play out a role that has value for you. It may be comfortable or uncomfortable, but it’s a role you value. You avoid people when you find yourself falling into a role you don’t want to play anymore. And you “outgrow” a relationship when you no longer want to play the role or roles you play in that relationship. In ego, there is no way to avoid the past.

William is not a curator.

"Have you ever spent an hour or so preparing a meal and then as you loaded an entire plate with this food it all drops on the floor?

"Yes."

"Well you have to be careful. That has never happened to me."

"What?"

"I'm bothered by intellectual relationships."

"OK."

"I want one that is tactile."

"You won't get one using words like that."

"Intellect can make a relationship a museum. You spend most of your time in the beginning discussing your idea of how it should go, what philosophies you are going to use to hold it together, while not realizing that you are now in it. That it is meant to be driven but by something more powerful and out of your brains control. But you've decided on architecting this sterile environment. Calibrating it all intellectually and until you feel it has begun. Then you now have to hold all of this in place because people will be touring it."

"You've thought about this."

"I have."

"OK."

"Calibration, architecture. All this to avoid something soft, vulnerable, emotional, tearful and love extracting. It is such a warm opportunity, such a vulnerable state and such a strong and powerful witnessing. An opportunity for something ever expanding and instead we try to build something intellectual that's also a carriage for other peoples inspiration as we hold it still so it can be toured."

"Who wants to witness all of that bloodletting. In a museum no doubt."

"I know. Who wants too? I want to be tactile though. I want to be touched. I want to touch. I want to stop thinking. Stop processing. Done with taking my cerebellum out for a walk so that my friends can comment on how cute her little coat is."

"Your dog's name is cerebellum?"

"Well thinking is a bitch."

Real love can never end; nothing in this world could possibly terminate it. If a relationship disintegrates beyond repair, then the truth is that there never was a relationship, only two egos competing for specialness. If it seems that love cements a relationship and later on it falls apart, there was little love there in the first place. Love is eternal, constant and ever-expanding. It is not possible to terminate love. However, it is quite possible to abort a special relationship that no longer sustains the pseudo-worthiness of its participants.

"The moment between before and after is called truth."



Katagiri Roshi

Slowie explodes with love.

"Just tired of hearing someone tell me they love me."

"I only say it when I am about to come."

"Listen!"

"I am."

"Nobody means that shit. But the body doesn't lie. A person's interactions with you doesn't lie."

"That's bullshit."

"No."

"It is."

"No."

"I don't know."

"You can tell when you are with the 'love exhausted' people who are done using that word. They are so relaxed that it doesn't even matter anymore. They are hanging out with you and they are not driving something or someone, somewhere. They are fucking relaxed. So relaxed something is spilling out of them, something precious and special. Something youthful and beautiful. Love is getting through the physical; it's sneaking out and making things miraculous."

"You believe that?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Ok."

"It is like you given up on it, completely. You've relaxed. You've stop giving it your definition and then it just escapes through your body--overcoming you, all over someone nice."

"Are we talking about ejaculation?"

"No."

"OK."

Lanvin believes from the get-go there should be no overlap.

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I didn't say anything."

"No relationship interferes with another one unless you are holding on to something in it that doesn't work from the get-go."

"What does 'get go' mean?"

"The time at which something is suppose to begin."

"Right of course."

"There is no overlap."

"So if I am having sex with subject A..."

"Sex will always be your exhibit right?"

"Right."

"OK."

"So if I am having sex with subject A and someone else comes into my life--well subject B-- with which from the get-go I want to have sex with them, than that cancels out sex with subject A?"

"If with subject A you two have fooled yourself into to thinking that your sex was suppose to be happening between you,rather than something else that supports your relationship. And if Subject B is truly and honestly desired and reeks of compatibility through the physical than yes."

"Um ok."

"No relationship cancels another one out, unless you are using the--said relationship improperly."

"Huh?"

"What?"

"I get it. I get it. No relationship runs ruck shod over another one unless there was nothing there from the get-go."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"You understand."

"Would you like to have some sex tonight?"

"of course not."

"I had you as Subject B."

"Of course you did."

William will vet you and he won't shovel your walkway.

"This isn't the 60's people don't have a good excuse for getting involved or marrying people on one or two reasons."

"What?"

"Listen. My parent's married because they were in the same religious denomination and my father thought she was cute. That's it. That's fucking it. They have lethargically taken that 40 plus years."

"There was more to it."

"Listen. I only know this, because when I go see them those two things have clearly disappeared and they are like two people who are standing around holding on to just the nostalgia; just the years.They are strangers to themselves. You know? Never given the opportunity to vet themselves properly, those 40 years ago."

"Right."

"I saw a couple out digging their car out yesterday. He's digging the front out. She's digging the sides out. It is a snow day. 20 plus inches. We are all paralyzed right? They are out immediately after it has stopped. They are not laying on some bed together, sitting on the floor playing Parcheesi. They are out here like robots. The snow has given you an opportunity to connect. There is no excuse in this fuckin' day and age when you have so many ways to vet people to perhaps be trapped with. There's social networking sites, instant messages, email, where you go up one side of a person and come down the other long before you even meet them and become arrested by their energy. If you get stuck with someone you decided to move in with because her ass could hold up a tray of glasses with milk in them, then you are setting yourself up."

"Vetting. vetting for what? What are you looking to hire someone into your life like Common Wealth Edison?"

"I'm looking for excitement, not banality or trying to achieve some sort of cultural perfection that my family, friends and co-workers can be proud about. Fuck that. I am looking to flow with what I am given. That is when life gets exciting. I don't want to stand out in the middle of the street trying to dig out a car when the snow outside is creating a beautiful atmosphere inside."

"But I like a woman who can hold up a tray of glasses with her ass. That shit sells tickets."

"And I need to know what someone is thinking. I need to know that this person is humble, at least know where their love is. There is no excuse that two people have barricaded themselves into a relationship, which has surrounded each of them by 20 foot high drifts. This should only happen unless they have made it happen to extend love to each other. Hopefully you've chosen correctly by then."

"I see."

"I hope you can."