"Oh no it's quite restful. It's almost peaceful. No need to believe in either side or any side. There is no cause. There's only yourself. The belief is in your precision."

William likes math.

"Do you understand?"

"Of course not. But it always seem to make sense."

"I don't have a place to put contempt or anger. I don't have a place in me to store something that I consider negative. It is like eating food that keeps coming up."

"Please. I'm eating food that naturally comes up, but the cooks plan it that way."

"I can't manipulate anyone with something that I have stored weeks ago. I'm faced with it. I have to work it out. As if we are back in high school in 5th hour math working on a word problem. It has to be worked out. I can't avoid it."

"Sounds like a busy moment."

"Yeah."

"It's too intense. I still say you need to relax."

"I wish."

"Right."

"You act as if I'm crazy? As if I'm doing something that's a waste of time."

"Well isn't? You seem disturbed. I say that unloving."

"Of course you do. But don't you understand? You're the one that is filling up with all these storage boxes of disparagements. You can't really work out a problem you are having with someone or something, so you attack a little and save some for later. What you are saving is weighing you down, eating away at your health and making you drive erratically. It allows you to punish people with every derivative of fear, and all I'm saying is I don't want any storage. I don't want to save anything. I want to work it out as these moments come up, so I don't see them again. What I find is that they are only my equations to deal with; they are none of your business even if it appears that way."

"None of my buisness?"

"Whatever problem you give me is only my buisness. In the end you get the better side of me because of it. You like pleasant right? Kindness? Compassion? Those are the things that you get as I take what belongs to me."

"I guess it goes down better than manipulation."

"And actually nourishes, which is what I can't say about this food."

"Apple fritters."

"Whatever problem I get is for my attention. For me to resolve. If you happen to be giving it to me it is just a coincidence."

"That could relax me."

"Exactly."

"So I can leave you with the check."

"Right."

Don't argue with reality.

Anthony believes banality is a ploy.

"Things are just happening. I am on one hand losing money over here, checks are coming in this way. Bills are asking to be paid. Relationships are either beginning or ending. Things are just happening in my life that seems like I don't have any control over."

"What?"

"Things are just happening."

"What do you mean?"

"My life. There doesn't seem to be any control. I don't even know how the hell I got here. Think about it, we just appeared, and not only that we just have this life. We appear out of nowhere and we got to--all of a sudden, walk a dog. Doesn't it seem strange."

"I don't know."

"Aren't you curious?"

"I guess. Should I be?"

"I don't know. But you will agree that it seems like we just appeared right? Like all of a sudden we are picking up dog shit in the park. Sitting on a bus reading the paper."

"Appeared?"

"Yeah. No rhyme or reason really. And I'm just saying let's not look at the religious thing for a moment. let's not get into the whole created thing or whatever. Let's just look at right now. If you look at your life without religion; whatever you believe. You are basically sitting on a bus reading the paper or picking up dog shit."

"I don't have a dog."

"I didn't say you did, I am just trying to find something that seems strange that we do."

"OK."

"Whoever created us, or whatever happened to us to make us here right now we are not concerned with that when it comes to our banal tasks, right? You are not thinking about God as you grout your tile right? Saying: 'This is why you put me here....ah to grout this tile, to put Comet in this tub.' your not saying that."

"No I got to grout this fucking tile."

"Why?"

"Because this shit is dirty."

"I mean why? When you don't even know why you are even here? You appeared out of nowhere and now you are grouting tile, for no reason other than that shit is dirty. What the hell is wrong with you!"

"There is nothing wrong with me!"

"My point is we are just doing stuff in between while we are waiting on something to happen to us. We are waiting on something to come along that really needs our attention. Something that could explain what they hell we are here for that we perhaps don't give it the right attention so we can get back to grouting our tile. "

"What?"

"We are not in control of anything. We have theories of why we got here, but we are not completely sure."

"What's your point?"

"My point is something else in control while we pick up dog shit, grout tile and write checks, and guess what? I am happy about that. That makes me feel more comfortable. I listen when experiences come to me out of my control, because when I am in charge I am doing an incredible amount of daily stupid shit. I'm walking a dog in the rain in a house coat and construction boots."

"Or talking to me."

"Right."

Anthony wants to know more than he wants a blow job.

"Like the cover of darkness. As if she was a fugitive from somewhere or better yet something."

"What?"

"It was weird at first."

"What are we talking about?"

"We are talking about some women I have come into contact with, that with their open sexual ambivalence I have become scared, anxiety ridden and finally angry."

"You mean they have offered you sex."

"Yeah."

"What are we talking about here."

"We are talking about what sexual offerings can do to a man. It is not easy in all cases."

"Are you sure?"

"I hate what it does to me sometimes. I feel like a co conspirator to the day their punishment begins. Don't you see in some women who are just using you to hide, or using you to carry out some punishment in hard core fashion?"

"Not sure I'm seeing the problem there. Plus I'm not a counselor in the bedroom."

"You know? It really bothers me that I enjoy it."

"Of course."

"You know what? It bothers me that I have something in me where this can match up nicely with. I hate that their need for a debasement intrigues me."

"You make it sound wrong."

"You know, now that I think about it, I find that it is just a huge sensation a table size Hostess cupcake that I need to hurry up and consume without thinking, just like they need to hurry up and distract me to get me to believe that I was the only author of this late night visit. My desire is the only thing that is making them do this. I am the man, so their responsibility will easily disappear just on that fact."

"Is it really that serious?"

"It is very serious. This late night visit under the cloak of bad judgment is also ground zero for vulnerability, love and connectedness that two people with-- in most cases, two different reasons are trying their Goddamness to leap over. To go around by any means. They can't allow their conscience to catch up. "

"And there you are with your fucking flash light in the bedroom."

"Better yet trying to understand. I just want to understand."

"At 2am Understanding is for the sexually deprived, idiot savants and philosophy majors."

"I just want to know."

"And I will take the huddled masses."

William is not up for the pursuit.

"We are asking the wrong questions."

"Me?"

"People are beyond sad. They are disorientated, overwhelmed."

"Not whelmed?"

"No. They are also a little lost, edgy, anxiety ridden, and robbed of something."

"Seems like you could go on."

"I can. You can look into their eyes. They dart, fish around, try not to reveal that they don't quite know what to say next unless you give them cues. Unless you give them a conversation that makes all the useless information they have stored seem relevant."

"That seems angry. I like talking about sandwiches. Bread spreads."

"I know you do. I'm just saying, people are sad. We know something is wrong and we can't quite put our finger on it. We know what we are doing day- in- and day out is not really adding up to anything. We are not gaining any ground by the time we excitingly reach another Friday. We are in the same place. Like there is a hole in us, and we keep pouring some thing into it rather than look for ways to ultimately repair it. I guess we just can't realize that there is something crazy about always being in pursuit of what settles us for the moment, what makes us feel relieved for just a few minutes. The pursuit of unhappiness. Why is that normal? We are asking the wrong questions."

"What should I be asking?"

"Ah it's metaphorical. Just looking at all of this something beings to happen. Something that doesn't quite make Friday so exciting anymore."

"What do you like on your sandwich?"

"Bacon."

"OK."

finding than holding our mind in a state of peace is our only responsibility in any moment or any situation that presents itself to us.

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
- Larry Eisenberg

Lanvin doesn't need to feel.

"I want to be constant."

"Huh?"

"I want to be consistent. It can be upsetting."

"What is?"

"I have noticed, I can't help but notice how consistently inconsistent we all are."

"I told you I was going to be late."

"I'm not talking about that. Well maybe I am."

"Get it together."

"Look."

"OK. I'm sorry."

"We are just looking to feel. We are just so desperate to just feel something in the world."

"Feel what?"

"Feel temporary sensation. You want more but you don't know what that is so you settle for just a sensation. Just a hit."

"So I am a drug addict."

"You travel out of the country, buy new technology, cook unusual foods, start new relationships all to just feel. You are not looking for experiences that finds a state. You are not looking to stand still. Not looking to be seen. You have to keep moving around to satisfy your urges. This makes you consistently inconsistent when something of gravity is asked of you."

"I don't understand, but you make me sound like a drug addicted adolescent now."

"Yeah. Of course. You are always looking to satisfy a feeling even in every conversation. You want to know what you can get out of it that will lead to a sensation."

"That can't be true."

"It's true."

"It's not."

"You think I blame you? You think I am judging you?"

"I don't know."

"What if that feel that you are constantly looking for in new sex partners, new condo, new TV show; what if you told yourself that feeling will always be the same? It will always lead to a feeling of unfulfillment. Because it does doesn't it? You are never filled up once you get these things. You are out looking for the next thing. Consistently.That is what I have struggled with. I discovered that feeling doesn't need to be sought out anymore. I don't have to spend a night in Tunisia just for a feeling. I can go to experience myself. The feeling is with me. It is what I bring to situations when I finally stop moving and become constant."

"This is heavier than my breakfast."

"It's not. These biscuits are three days old."

"Maybe."

"They are constantly bad in here."

"Yeah."

Anthony is homeless

"How did I become a fifth wheel in a sexual situation that included five? When I was the one who suggested it?"

"Not sure I want you to go into this."

"I'm just saying."

"I don't want you to."

"I was frozen out."

"I can say I'm sorry and allow it to rest there."

"I believe if my life is getting better; where you are able to clearly relate to the success, than I am doing poorly on the inside."

"What?"

"If you can personally recognize me doing well, career wise, relationship etc. than I'm fucking up."

"Not sure what to do with that."

"I can easily say things are not measured by the things you have."

"Right, but as soon as the cameras are turned off you will again believe that they are."

"Yes and you will come over to my house and questioned me if there was no TV, no furniture, no car in the driveway. You need to measure me so you can have a relationship."

"You have to be on some track."

"What if you couldn't?"

"What?"

"What if I was happy and there was nothing you could see that was making it that way?"

"I would say you was homeless."

"Come on some people that are homeless are in their state because they cling to the idea that they are going to have the same success as you, using the same cutthroat methods against self, taking short cuts that hurt people, hurt themselves all to cling to the same idea as you. In the end they just lack your commitment to being an asshole."

"Right. I figured as much. Just because I want a Porsche 911 I am an asshole?"

"Only if it makes you happy."

"I was really saying you're homeless because there is nothing here that seems to make you feel at home."

"Ha. Maybe you're right. That is very insightful for you. Didn't know that was possible."

"Yeah."

"But now you see what makes me happy."

"You're still insane."

"And without a lease."

Slowie hasn't been hogtied, but it is the first example she likes to use when making a point.

"Waiting for the fall."

"What?"

"I'm not going to be involved with someone where we both are waiting for each other to fuck it up."

"Why would you do that?"

"I wouldn't."

"Then why are we talking about it?"

"Because I want to."

"OK."

"I know I usually have unorthodox style relationships."

"Yes you do."

"I am dedicated to something in it though. Completley. That is better than any fabricated thing we have been taught."

"I know."

"There is a loyalty that has me completley present."

"Ok."

"I am not constructing something with someone in some suburb."

"Say that 60 times."

" I know it is so I can satisfy the people around me. So I can wait for this bastard to fail, because that person will fail with our shoddy constructions. Our non dedication to whats deep in us. What we really need to unearth."

"Why would I even think that about you?"

"You would, because it can happen to even someone like me who might like to be tied up; hogtied, naked with my heels still on while facing an open window. Only hearing the sound of the traffic below. Even if I liked that absurd thing happening to me... last summer. I would want you to think even I could be complacent if I wasn't careful. It could be a routine hog tying."

"OK. The image is making itself home in my mind. It is moving furniture around and lounging on my couch."

"I look for and commit 100 percent to things in relationships that shows me awesome things about myself that I can extend to that person. You understand?"

"Yes you're not a politician."

"Right I am not a politician. Holding fake office based on a fake platform to satisfy my base..."

"Rob base."

"I am dedicated to a feeling. A authentic feeling about who I really am. Something that is the only real thing I know, and something that I want to expose more and share."

"Even if you are hogtied."

"That never happened... last summer."

"Of course."

Do you want to understand or do you want peace?

accepting without understanding brings peace.

Forgiveness brings understanding.

Lanvin is committed to commitment.

"There has to be some kind of commitment don't you think?"

"To what?"

"To some aspect of a relationship."

"What part?"

"What do you mean?"

"What part of the relationship?"

"Some part."

"Sex?"

"Commitment somewhere. In my life for many years I wasn't doing it in any part, because that is when you are most visible, most vulnerable. You can't just dedicate yourself to an aspect of a relationship without thinking you are going to be powerless."

"Why do you keep saying aspect, as if you are suppose to be dedicated to an aspect rather than the whole relationship?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"You can't."

"Right of course."

"There is no 'all of the above' But I discovered that you can commit yourself to something. You can really commit yourself to something that you are attracted to and the relationship could work from your side."

"Not sure what you are talking about."

"You are sure."

"No."

"We spend relationships trying to pretend we are connected to everything the person likes when our actions tell them otherwise."

"That is sacrifice because we want to have sex...tonight."

"Huh? No, that's buying time before the so called union hits a malaise of corrosion and resentment."

"Well I consider that as an exit sign to a new relationship."

"I'm sure you do. But you got one thing right."

"What?"

"Trying to connect to a person's everything---even though, they don't know what they want either, will send us all running for the exits unless, of course we are using that relationship to abuse ourself. But if we really commit to something. Something that doesn't hinge on if they are going to stay or go. Something that they are bringing that is perfect in our mind for commitment and we decide to do it, because it really grabs us. It really means something to us. Then they have to follow with their own because they see our intensity and they know that you found something in them to commit to, and they will also find something."

"Why even do this?"

"Because you want something real, right? You are tired of the exit ramp. You want a cause to dedicate yourself to. You want to be vulnerable for moment, you want intensity and you want it to come from peace instead of angst."

"You got me runnin' You think I'm a runner?"

"Do I?"

"Like I'm avoiding a spotlight or something. I'm a fugitive."

"Yeah."

"A fugitive who likes Apple fritters."

"Eating at this half star restaurant for four years proves that you can be committed."

"Four years of listening to you thinking that we will eventually sleep together is a better indicator."

"Of course."

"Yes of course."

i know

you feel you have the answer already

In the museum you are addressing the wall

the lighting

the frame

'it's gilded' you say.

You tell me 'it's fake. it's trying to trick us.'

your adamant.

i know

but I don't need to listen.

i need to see.

not the wall

the lighting

but right into the painting

the answers are in there.

all the answers.

So quiet.

no meetings to remunerate

no thank you

no remuneration

once love gets free of conception and then out through the finger tips

once it just gets out an pours onto someone

it will start agitating and be a misunderstanding

it is so direct and very quiet

so quiet

no announcements needed

no need to discuss

out through your movements

drawing the huddle closer to feeling its ancient voice.

"The question is 'What do we yearn for so deeply?' And the answer doesn't come in the form we may expect. The answer is 'We yearn deeply for an infinite, absolute communion with Love itself' The experience we seek that will ultimately satiate all our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual hunger is and always will be, to know ourselves as whole, integrated Infinite Beings. We cannot ever know real safety, real peace, real security, real love, or real joy until we acknowledge and willingly initiate this journey to wholeness."

Tired of being something.

i am quiet

it is quiet.

my breath not a factor

i am also mingling soft in the crowd

I am not a dissonant anymore

peaceful and focused

but who cares

it doesn't even matter what i am

i desire where effort isn't required

saying it means nothing

tired of being something.

Anthony's computer is giving him diverticulitis.

"I don't know my best interest."

"It appears that way."

"No I need someone to come into my life....someone maybe hired that comes in and protects me from this culture."

"What?"

"That person would put me on a cultural diet."

"I'm sorry?"

"I would have to go into texting or cable news deprivation for months. That person would demand me to use a land line for a prescribed amount of time. Putting a lap band around my laptop use."

"Slapping mobile devices out of your hand."

"This person would come into my life and begin cutting away at the obesity of distraction."

"Sounds like textration."

"I need this. I love this sort of socialist counselor. I have ran amok. Gorged myself on the hedonistic part of the culture and come away with diseases. All because I like a big bowl of societal High Fructose Corn Syrup."

"Sounds like it includes table spoons of dramatic."

"It is me. I wasn't built for this society. As a kid I sat with my on internet; my imagination. Using Army men as play station. I should be 90 already and getting ready to die soon. This disdain for life is coming too early. I just need prescriptions of hand written letters, socializing without cellphones and news deprivation."

"OK. Your point?"

"I can't do it alone. Somebody has to come in. I need a trainer."

"You think you could find someone online?"

Slowie's Romeo isn't bleeding.

"What?"

"I didn't say anything."

"As usual."

"OK."

"It's not a relationship."

"What? I didn't say it was. Even though it is."

"It's not."

"OK."

"The latest obstacle we faced I grabbed my part; I took immediate responsibility for what was mine. Took it and worked it for whatever it meant to me--alone, only so I could get back to the peacefulness. Only so I could get back to basking in the experience."

"Right."

"It was an interference where we both could have been embarrassed by. One where we could have easily--rigorously, laid fucking blame back and forth on each other. We could have kicked each other in the face with months of precise manipulation that ate away at the comfortable epidermis of our pleasantness."

"But instead?"

"Well I choose to take only my responsibility of the situation back to my table to work out, so I could get back to fawning over him, back to feeling warm inside and seeing myself unlike any other time. I like being a little loving."

"A little?"

"Well."

"Well what?"

"Well I didn't see it as an obstacle. I separated him from it completley. I couldn't help but see his pleasantness. And from that I wanted to be a little loving. I wanted to keep the pressure on."

"As if 'love' stops the bleeding for you."

"Well."

"Well what?"

"It definitely becomes to bright to avoid. Any problems he or we seem to have are 'seems' that are easily extracted as something I need to also take away and work. Something in it immediately belongs to me for a little while, you know?"

"So you can quickly get back."

"Back to the loveliness."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"You're right that's not a relationship. It's a state."

"That doesn't requires a little triage. But I determine if there will be blood."